I am not tooooo active on social media. Well, what I mean is that even though I am on Twitter and Bluesky and my own website, considering how many platforms out there, I feel I am relatively out of the social media loop. When someone is on social media, they are often just showing an aspect of themselves, as opposed to EVERYTHING. Well, I suppose no one really shows EVERY aspect of themselves to the world, but I digress.
My tweets and posts are short and usually very unserious. My website is where I have more room to ramble and aimlessly and pointlessly babble. On my website I talk about how I have my femme life and my boy life. I write a lot about my adventures and my thoughts on gender and, well, whatever I write about. I try not to reveal too much about "his" life, for various reasons. But I suppose the main reason I don't is that no one comes to my website to hear what HE is doing, lol.
I've been blogging and posting and tweeting for a long time. When I started a website I was just figuring out who I am and how to navigate all of this. Over time I figured it out and I blogged about it every realization at a time. It's amazing to realize that there have been some people who have been following along every step of the way. They know my journey as well as I do. Which is really kind of neat, you know?
One thing that I wrote about a lot was about balance. How does one navigate their gender identity? How does one find peace with their evolving gender? This wasn't easy for me. For a lot of people there's a lot of anxiety that comes with the realization that their gender isn't as clear as they thought it was. Much of that anxiety is interwoven with not knowing where all of *THIS* is going. The idea of transitioning is terrifying to some people, but I think that anxiety stems from the idea of potentially completely changing every aspect of their life. For me, I always knew that transitioning wasn't right for me, so I knew where all of this WASN'T going, but I had to figure out what was right for me.
I needed to find that balance, that peace. I knew I would not find peace in transitioning but I had to find it elsewhere. Spoiler alert, I found that peace but it came with a lot of mistakes and trying a lot of different things.
Spoiler alert, I found that peace but it came with a lot of mistakes and trying a lot of different things.
I got to thinking about balance the other day when someone asked what I do, on a practical level, when it comes to balancing my boy life and Hannah's life. It's not a bad question, really. The peace I have comes from what I do (and what I wear) each day (and night). For those who have been following me for years, this should sound pretty familiar (because they were there when I found this balance) but for those who don't know me very well (or only know me from my stupid and short and quippy tweets), hopefully this is insightful.
So, what is a typical day/week for me? I wake up wearing a nightgown. I'll have my coffee and doom scroll and if it's a Monday, Wednesday, or a Friday I'll post on my website. After my coffee I'll log onto my work laptop. I am fortunate enough to work from home and I'll read my emails and plan my day. Work sucks but reading emails in a nightgown isn't tooooo bad, lol. After a little time I'll get dressed which is shirt, panties, leggings, and a long cardigan. I'll work for the day, and then have dinner with my wife. The day ends with another nightgown and reading in bed.
Not a bad life.
Most of the week is like that. If I am going out that weekend (and when I say 'out', I mean Hannah is going out) I'll brush out my wig on Friday (a big perk working from home) and that night I'll remove my body hair. Another nightgown and another sleep.
Presuming I am going out on Saturday, I'll wake up, have my coffee, and then start getting ready. I'll shave my face and get dressed and head out. After I've had my fun I'll come home, remove my makeup, and depending the time I'll either change into a nightgown or something comfy (leggings).
And that's that. My wife and I prefer staying in and we rarely have any company coming over unannounced. I feel I am able to wear what I want often enough. When I was striving for that balance, there was some anxiety if I was in boy mode for too long. Nightgowns, underdressing, leggings help offset that anxiety. Clothes help me stay connected to who I am.
The peace I have comes from what I do (and what I wear) each day (and night).
Hannah goes out about twice a month. Sometimes more, but it's usually just twice. Coupled with what I wear to sleep and what I wear at home, going out twice a month is enough for me to find a balance between BOY and GIRL. I suppose it helps that even when I am in BOY MODE I am still wearing girl clothes, lol.
Of course, all of this sounds lovely and it is, but as I said before this peace, this balance, is a result of mistakes and blindly navigating through the unknown for years. I used to think I NEEDED to dress completely at least once a week. I felt I needed to do this to stay... connected to my femme side. This caused some tension in my marriage, to be honest. During this time I was working at an office and had a horrible commute. I'd leave early and get home late. By the time we had dinner we had maybe an hour before the day was over. The weekend was our time together buuuut she was looking forward to spending time with her husband but Hannah was always around. Don't get me wrong, my wife is supportive of all of this, but Hannah is her friend, not her spouse. It's not uncommon for our partners to, well, miss their husbands when SHE is around.
It took me too long to understand what she was saying, and it took me even longer to LISTEN. Again, many mistakes were made. My thinking at the time was that if transitioning/living full-time wasn't right for me then maybe spending as much time en femme as possible was the right choice. It wasn't, and it isn't. I am now secure enough in all aspects of my life and my identity to know that I don't NEED to be en femme to stay connected to *this* side of me.
I make all of this sound simple but my journey was messy. I made mistakes, I created anxiety and stress and tension with my wife. My saving grace was that I was always honest with her about what I was feeling. I took my gender identity seriously and although it took me longer than it should have, I listened to my wife and what she was feeling. I went to therapy and learned how to communicate with her and was challenged with being honest with myself. This reinforced my thinking that transitioning wasn't what I needed to do.
Life is good. My days and nights are lovely. But like anything, if something is good it's because of the work that went into it.
Love, Hannah
