I am not going to discuss WHY crossdressing is erotic to some. I mean, yes, wearing lingerie usually has a sexual component to it, but some of us are absolutely aroused at the thought and act of wearing "girl clothes". Why? I have no idea. For the most part, I feel that if someone has a kink or a fetish, it's likely because that's how they are wired. It's possible that there is some deep-rooted psychological reason why a pair of gloves drives someone to a state of uncontrollable desire, but I am not educated enough to speculate.
I also think it doesn't really matter. Sometimes there is no reason why we are the way we are.
Gender identity and kink has no relation for me. I am not turned on by wearing what I wear, even if it is a sexy bra and panty set. It's true I might feel sexy as hell in a tight leather dress and platform stilettos, but that sexy as hell feeling comes from confidence and happiness, not because I am wearing girl clothes.
It's not uncommon for me to be misunderstood. When I tweet a photo of my new corset I will often get messages and comments from people who crossdress as a fetish. It's not a surprise but what really snags my stockings is when someone insists that this aspect of me is a fetish and will not back off. I don't think they are necessarily being inconsiderate but I feel that there are some who just can't imagine that this is very much not a kink for me.
I do understand that there are a lot of nuances to gender identity and that people with different experiences and perspectives from your own will sometimes have a hard time relating to someone else. Some guys are absolutely stunned that I am not aroused by what I wear when they themselves are very turned on when they wear panties under their boy clothes.
Setting boundaries is crucial in life, and it's also true when it comes to social media. I get very, very annoyed when someone sends me a photo in a Twitter private message, regardless of what the photo is (although it is 99% of the time a picture of their penis). I hate getting these photos but my annoyance comes from the sender not respecting my very clear boundaries. My Twitter bio says "no pictures or sexually inappropriate content". Someone has to see my bio (and therefore my request) in order to DM me. So when that dick pic inevitably pops up in my messages I know I am communicating with someone who has no regard for a girl's boundaries.
I hate getting these photos but my annoyance comes from the sender not respecting my very clear boundaries. My Twitter bio says "no pictures or sexually inappropriate content".
I know that some guys (too many guys, if I am being honest) send messages and photos in an attempt to engage in sexting (omg do they still call it that?). Like crossdressing as a fetish, there is nothing inherently wrong with this... But if someone's interest (sexual or otherwise) requires the participation of someone else (let's face it, sexting with someone who isn't sexting back is pretty pathetic), then consent is absolutely required. If a dude sent me a message and asked if he could send a photo of his penis I would think "oh my god, it's so nice that you asked before you did it but obviously no you cannot". I would absolutely respect and appreciate that.
Although it's taking FOREVER, I feel that the cisgender community is learning that "a boy wearing girl clothes" is not necessarily a kink. For too long "a boy wearing girl clothes" was thought of as a fetish or that the person was confused or whatever, Slowly people are realizing that gender isn't as pink and blue as they were taught. I appreciate that this revelation is drifting in the right direction but the more cynical part of me thinks that maybe, MAYBE that in 300 years we will not freak out if a boy wears a skirt.
When I am out in the real world I know that people see me as I am. I am a transgender woman. I don't think that anyone thinks that I am cisgender. I don't pass and I don't strive to. I mean, my goal is to look as cute and as feminine as I can, but things that "give me away" such as my voice, my height, my... whatever I am not concerned about. Mainly because I can't do anything about parts of me but also because if I let the traditional "masculine" aspects of my face and body prevent me from living my life the way I want I would be very depressed.
It's normal and relatable to wonder what people will think when they see me (or you) when we are out in the world. It took a little time for me to get over it, but I realized that what people think of me has no bearing on me. In the almost twenty years I have been going to malls, bookstores, restaurants, parks, and wherever I have had very few unpleasant experiences. Sure, some people may hate me BUT I also tell myself that there are very likely many people who think I am beautiful and are glad that there is one more transgender person living their best life. Who knows, maybe I am inspiring someone to embrace who they themselves are.
A significant breakthrough for me came from realizing that people are usually so caught up in their own lives that they are probably not paying too much attention to someone else.
A significant breakthrough for me came from realizing that people are usually so caught up in their own lives that they are probably not paying too much attention to someone else. Sure, they might see me and think "that's a transgender woman" and then immediately go back to thinking about what they will cook for dinner. I don't care that people will likely not think of me as a cisgender woman because I am not a cisgender woman. I also realized that unless I strut up to them and ask what they think of me I will never know. I mean, that would be weird, right? If someone walked up to me and asked for my opinion about them I would feel very weirded out by them, regardless of their gender or gender presentation.
When you are in the real world you are with other people. Again, not everyone will love you (but you don't need that anyway) and some people may "disagree about your lifestyle choice". I get that the media and politicians have done a masterful job of vilifying the queer community so if someone hates me (or even just misunderstands me) I am not surprised or bothered. It would be a lovely world if everyone respected everyone else but that isn't happening. If someone hates me then I feel no obligation (or see the point) in trying to be accepted by them.
Since "boys who wear girl clothes" have been portrayed for decades for laughs or as confused perverts, I understand and accept (but obviously not approve or agree) that some people might assume that I am, well, a pervert. It's unfortunate that we are potentially seen as such but the damage has been done. Again, maybe in 300 years we will not freak out if a boy wears a skirt but for the time being we live with that stereotype.
Knowing this, I understand that people may avoid me if they think I am, as "a boy that is wearing girl clothes" is, well, aroused. I mean, I get that. I've had men approach me in public and have no hesitation telling me that I am beautiful but there are also times when men tell me that I am turning them on. Gross. I don't want to know. I don't want to be near anyone (besides my wife) that I know is aroused. I am not trying to arouse anyone. Promise.
But that's not how everyone sees it. There are people (mostly in the media) who freak out when a transgender person exists. This reaction is often associated with the fabricated fear that transgender people are trying to indoctrinate other people, as if I am some sort of recruiter or whatever. There is also the fear that I am doing what I am doing (or wearing what I am wearing) for kinky reasons. Obviously I am not doing that.
What does this have to do with consent? If I am at the mall or whatever and I see someone who is very obviously engaging in their kink then I am uncomfortable. If I go to a fetish nightclub and I see that same person doing that same thing, then I am not bothered at all. The difference is the environment. If I go a fetish nightclub it is because I am choosing to go there and I fully expect to see others doing kinky things. I mean, that's what they're supposed to do, right? But the mall? The nightclub implies consent. The mall does not.
All of this was inspired by someone asking me what right I have to go out into the real world if the real world isn't giving me consent to, well, present as I am. This question kind of stunned me for a few reasons. My first thought was a practical one. Like, how am I supposed to ask The World for "consent"? It's not as simple as sending someone a DM and asking if you can send them a dick pic. I also know that even if this was possible I would not want The World to decide what I am allowed to do. Finally, who I am has nothing to do with being aroused and nothing to do with a kink. It's true I wear SEXY clothes and post lingerie pictures, but those are mostly done in a photo studio. There is a significant gap between what I will wear in a photo shoot and what I will wear at Starbucks. A latex dress looks amazing in a photo but not something I will wear while waiting for a latte.
I understand that some people sexualize "boys wearing girl clothes" but just because someone sees their own fetish in me, it doesn't mean that I have the same kink. If someone equates me with arousal, then that is on them.
Love, Hannah
