I HATE HATE HATE labels. But I also understand how comforting they can be. When I was younger I knew it wasn't very common to be, in incredibly simplified terms, "a boy who wore girl clothes". Learning the word "crossdresser" existed was a revelatory moment for me. It was like having amnesia and learning my name. It was like "Oh! THAT'S who I am". It was comforting and reassuring to know that there were so many "boys who wore girl clothes" that there was a name for us.
Over time I learned others terms, such as non-binary/ENBY and transgender and gender fluid. As we learn more about ourselves it's not unusual for us to gravitate towards different ways to identify. I have settled (at least for now, although I don't see this changing) at identifying as bi-gender. It's like being bisexual but for gender identities.
But since nothing is really black or white (or pink and blue), my two gender identities are not as simple as BOY and GIRL. When I am en femme (and by this I mean head-to-toe, wig to stilettos) I identify as, and I am, a transgender woman. When I am not en femme, you'd think my gender identity would be male but it's not. When I am not en femme I feel more comfortable identifying as non-binary. I am not out as non-binary in my non femme life. I still use he/him pronouns but when I am filling out a medical form or whatever, if the choice is there, I always check the non-binary option.
In my masculine (not that I identify as masculine, but I know that I am PRESENTING as what most people would consider masculine) life, I don't see clothes (or anything) as being for boys OR girls. Hannah wears dresses and high heels, but when I am not presenting as femme, I am wearing at least one item that many people consider "girl clothes". I always underdress which can be panties and a cute cami. I have many (but somehow now enough) nightgowns, and when I am home I am almost always wearing leggings and other femme items. I am lucky to work from home but I often travel for my job which requires me to wear a shirt and tie but rest assured I am still underdressing and waking up in hotel rooms in a nightie. Additionally when I am out running errands or whatever I am wearing masc clothes. It's funny how when I am en femme I have no hesitation to wear a pink dress and strappy stilettos at the mall but wearing leggings or other femme clothes outside of the house when I am not en femme is terrifying to me, lol.
But since nothing is really black or white (or pink and blue), my two gender identities are not as simple as BOY and GIRL.
I suppose like anything else in life, especially when it comes to gender presentation, I would get used to it in time, but really, it's not that important to me. What I mean is that I am in a good place when it comes to my gender identity and gender presentation. I know it's common for many of us to feel anxious when our appearance contradicts our identity but I feel I have achieved a comfortable balance when it comes to who I am and what I wear.
When I started to identify as non-binary it wasn't a significant moment. It was more like "well, OBVIOUSLY I am non-binary". I mean, if I think people can wear whatever they want and our wardrobes are not determined by antiquated gender roles, isn't that one of the characteristics of being non-binary? After all, like I mentioned earlier I am always wearing "girl clothes" on some level. Even my very skin could be considered feminine as I remove all my body hair.
Once this obvious realization popped into my head I started to look into incorporating femme clothes into my masc presentation. Honestly this is more difficult than I thought it would be, especially when I thought it would be easy to pick out an outfit if there were essentially no rules or limitations. Boy t-shirt and maxi skirt? Sure, why not? But if I've learned anything from presenting as femme it's that there's a difference between wearing "girl clothes" and looking good in "girl clothes".
Please know that what looks good is determined by YOU and no one else. We've never needed anyone's approval when it comes to what we wear. My point is that if YOU don't think you look good wearing what you're wearing, your whole vibe changes. Your confidence is diminished. Your energy is non-existent. Currently I am struggling with putting together outfits that include femme clothes for masculine presentation that I feel comfortable in. It's not as simple (for me, anyway) as rocking the aforementioned maxi skirt and a t-shirt. Maybe someday, but baby steps. I added femme t-shirts to my closet but the sizing and the cut isn't really, ah, cutting it. I have a long torso so a lot of shirts are a little too short on me and they look a little silly. I have broad shoulders which also can make a femme shirt look misshapen on my frame.
It's funny that all of this is rather new to me despite a lifetime of presenting as femme. Hannah wears dresses and I am usually overdressed wherever she is, but she doesn't really go for the casual-cute look, such as a skirt and a simple top and sensible (whatever they are, lol) shoes.
I have always known (mostly through experience) that sizing and design of "girl clothes" is arbitrary and frustrating. Finding "girl clothes" that I feel are flattering in masculine mode has not been easy. And I've tried, lol. Wearing femme clothes in femme mode is different. A corset and breast forms enhance my shape which make femme clothes flattering as they are designed for a curvier figure. Additionally, wearing masc clothes in masc mode is also easy. I never worry about how I look but when I am wearing femme clothes in masc mode then all confidence goes out the window. I kind of feel that I am too old to be non-binary. What I mean is that whenever I see non-binary people on social media (such as websites that sell clothes for non-binary people) all of the models are so young and very androgonous.. I mean, I KNOW no one is too old to identify as any gender and no one should get hung up on "masculine" and/or "feminine" features, but when one is looking for fashion guidance it's helpful to see people with your body type and people your age represented. I feel like I am flying blind.
I have always known (mostly through experience) that sizing and design of "girl clothes" is arbitrary and frustrating.
Of course when it comes to what someone chooses to wear, you don't need precedent. If you want to wear something, then wear it, even if you are the first person to assemble such an outfit. Buuuuut I tend to second guess myself when I do something (or wear something) for the first time. As I mentioned I have tried wearing femme clothes in masc mode. I've tried outfits that include a femme shirt, a duster cardigan, and leggings. I've switched out the leggings for a maxi skirt. Ditched the shirt and cardigan for a different top. And? I don't know. I mean, if I saw a guy wearing the same outfit I would think it looked really good, but on me? I don't know. It's likely a confidence thing.
Again, I am fairly certain that this feeling would dissipate in time, I just need to bite the bullet and strut out the door and before long I won't think twice about my reflection.
Please understand, I am not worried about what other people think. I've been alive too long (and have had countless en femme adventures) to know that most people aren't really paying too much attention to others, and you'll probably never know what they're thinking anyway. Buuuut people tend to respond to someone else's energy more than anything else. When I am en femme, my confidence is through the roof. I am comfortable, I am chatty, I am just... happy. Others pick up and react to that energy in a positive and reciprocal way even if they are internally processing that they're interacting with a very tall transgender woman.
I don't think I'll ever have the confidence that Hannah has, if you follow me, regardless of what I am wearing. It's been humbling realizing that. I mean, I AM Hannah, I suppose I just assumed that I would have gotten over any hesitation and doubt when it comes wearing what I want. So, what's the issue? I am Hannah, but in addition to her wardrobe, she has a completely different and separate life from me. It's Hannah who wears the sky high stilettos, it's Hannah that is wearing a bodycon dress at Starbucks. But when I am not Hannah (if you follow me), then I am ME, with my masculine life. If people I know see me at the store and I am wearing a skirt then all of a sudden my gender identity gets dragged out into the light and soon it's EVERYONE's business. Despite my website, I am a fairly private person and the last thing I want is my wardrobe being a matter of family discussion.
So, despite seemingly disregarding a significant side of myself why did I say I am at a good place when it comes to my gender identity and presentation?
Balance.
Let's talk about that next time, shall we?
Love, Hannah
