This is a journey. Annnnd it used to take a LOT of tongue biting for me to say the "J word". I never could put my finger on why I hated the term until a spouse of a crossdresser emailed me who also hated it. To her, "journey" made this, well, journey, seem like an ADVENTURE. Like we are happily skipping down the yellow brick road that cuts through magic forests and flower covered fields wearing red sparkly heels as we make our way to a glowing city where everyone sings.

"Journey" seemed to gloss over the painful and frustrating aspects of acknowledging and accepting and (hopefully) embracing our gender identity, not only for ourselves but for our partner. Even if every step isn't easy, there are still moments that bring joy such as loving how we look in eyeliner. Our partners feel relatively little happiness about this compared to the moments of elation we have.

But as time passes I have reluctantly accepted that it's really an appropriate phrase even if I have severe misgivings about it. That being said, our journey begins with a small step. That step? Oh it could be a hundred different things. Painting our toenails (so no one can see this tiny and brave step towards traditional feminine presentation), a pair of panties, a tiny bit of clear mascara so our eyelashes have a little more curl than usual... Very very few of us just jump right into a complete transformation head (wig) to toe (red sparkly heels) and everything in-between.

The first steps of our journey can be terrifying and exciting and are often both at the same time. Another feeling is a strong sense of uncertainty. Where will this journey take us? Where will it end? Who will accompany us? Who will be there when we arrive at our destination? Who will we become? The journey will change us (but that's what we want, right) but in what ways? 

When we take these first shaky steps it's impossible to know the answers to these questions. Sure, we THINK we know where the journey will end. We THINK we know our destination, we THINK we know how we will change... But we really don't know anything at first. Each step determines the next subsequent step. We don't know if we will take the tenth step until we take the ninth one. We arrive at our destination and we finish our journey when it feels like the end, when it feels like we've arrived even if we are miles away from where we thought we would end up.

I used to think that all of this was about panties and lingerie. I thought my journey would be very short and would only be a couple of steps from BOY underwear to a much more beautiful and more lacy and much pinker drawer. Fast forward a few, um, decades and I have more high heels than I could ever wear and more dresses than an entire mall. I can apply eyeliner as easily as most men can change a tire. I have an entire LIFE that I live en femme that I never, EVER thought I would arrive to.

How did I arrive here? I kept going. Panties led to lingerie, lingerie led to stilettos, stilettos led to dresses, dresses led to makeup, makeup led to wigs, wigs led to a femme name, a name led to a new life, a new life led to new friends...

And then I was done.

To anyone paying attention it would have been incredibly easy to assume that my journey would lead to transitioning. And based on the progression I was experiencing it didn't look like I was going to slow down and stop anytime soon. But it did. I have been happily bouncing back and forth between gender presentations and lives for about ten years now.

I was certain my journey would end at lingerie. Looking back I am amazed at how wrong and almost naive I was. As my journey progressed I honestly didn't know when I would arrive at the end of it. I didn't think that I would transition but again, my journey was progressing in a way that I had to be prepared for that possibility.

And so did my wife. 

As I hit new milestones, whether it was wearing makeup or shopping for a wig, the thought of me transitioning became more and more of a possibility. She wondered if she herself would be faced with significant changes to her life and the potential conversations she would likely need to have with our families. Although this has always been my journey, we are married and our lives impact each other's in almost every aspect.

This journey required an intense amount of trust and communication. Upon each milestone we would talk about this. How did I feel in a wig? How did my wife feel about seeing her husband in a dress? Did anything feel wrong for either of us? It's entirely possible that wearing a wig just wasn't for me and all of this was really just about clothes as opposed to a complete feminine presentation but of course, we both learned all of this was, and is, about gender identity and my presentation is key to being true to my identity.

When we discussed these milestones we talked about what was next. Now that I wore a wig and lipstick, was there something new I had my newly painted eyeshadow eye fixed on? What was next on my journey? Sometimes I knew, sometimes I didn't. And I told her that. Sometimes the next thing I wanted to do or wear made her nervous because it was dangerous (going out en femme) or just more... ah, proof that transitioning (and a significant life change for both of us) was inevitable.

Being honest is important in a relationship and it's particularly important when one person is going through something that could impact, well, everything. I was always honest with her, even when I knew that the truth would reinforce the things she was thinking and could possibly create more anxiety. I hated that. But in the end I knew it was the right decision. I had hoped that she would always believe me when I told her what I was feeling, whether it was saying "this feels right" or "I am not sure what's next". By being honest I had hoped I would be more credible when I told her that transitioning didn't feel right for me.

It took years for her to make peace with my journey being finished. Although I am always doing stuff, like going out or new projects, the needle hasn't moved at all in terms of going beyond my presentation and thoughts on taking hormones. I am far, far from perfect but I really think I did things as right as I could. Honestly, communication, baby steps, and therapy were key. Yes, there were fears and tension and mistakes, but as long as I was honest and listened and learned from how my journey and missteps impacted her, we were able to get back on the same page. 

It's hard to repair trust. I learned that in previous relationships. I didn't want to do irreparable damage to this one. I knew that if I was dishonest about what I was thinking and feeling upon each new milestone it would ultimately be worse than sparing her feelings in an effort to reassure her that I was not going to transition. I knew that when it came to my journey I had to be honest with myself with, well, how much I loved the journey I was on. I knew I had to see my journey to the end, wherever I would end up.

But this wasn't the skipping down the yellow brick road adventure it might sound like. Again, I knew that often the joy I felt with each new milestone was painful for my wife. But I knew she had to trust me and could only do that with honesty.

When a person in a committed relationship is, well, on a journey such as the one we are on or have taken, it usually doesn't make things easier. But I don't feel that it's our crossdressing or evolving identity that creates the majority of stress and tension. I mean, it likely will and it did for me, but it's usually the things that are associated with our crossdressing and gender identity that cause a significant amount of stress and tension and ultimately distrust.

If we tell our partners that all of THIS is JUST about panties BUT they find out that we have an extensive wardrobe and makeup kit stashed away we lose a lot of credibility. If we tell our partners that we are on a business trip but instead we are strutting down the Las Vegas strip in a tight bodycon dress we are going to destroy any trust that we may have built when it comes to this aspect of ourselves.

Downplaying what we think, feel, and wear does nothing good. Now only are we essentially lying, but we are lying about how, well, serious and significant this aspect of ourselves is.

Honesty is not easy when it comes to this side of us. We know that the truth can and will probably make things more tense than the situation already makes it. We know we are sharing the most intimate secret with someone else. We know that this revelation can end a relationship.

But it's not typically the revelation itself. It's lying about it.

Coming out is never just a one time conversation. Like a journey there will be new milestones, new discussions, shifting and evolving feelings and perspectives. We will never have all the answers to every question we are asked. Sometimes the answer comes later, or the answer changes. It's important to remember that "I don't know" and "I am not sure yet" are perfectly honest answers to questions about who we are.

Love, Hannah