Yes yes, I know, classifications and labels are bad, I get it. And yet at times it’s difficult to get around in the world without knowing some groupings that you fit in. The question is, how do I look for others like me when I feel like I occupy the gray space between groups?

As someone who spent 45ish years as a privileged cishet white man, I tend to be very careful about what terminology I use. The last thing I want to do is intrude on certain groups’ safe spaces, or appropriate terms that don’t apply to me. Thus far I’ve accepted and been through stages including sissy (much as I dislike the term), crossdresser, and now gender fluid. But does gender fluidity also make me trans? Is it ok for me to seek out trans spaces and activities?

My therapist says yes – they say that being trans simply means that you have transitioned from one gender identity to another. If you used to identify as strictly male, and you now identify as literally anything other than strictly male, then you are trans.

Good in theory; more complicated in practice. My therapist is trans themself, so I’m clearly not offending them if I refer to myself as trans. But there are also the trans gatekeepers in the world who would disagree. I’ve run into more than a few who say that, unless I have fully committed to living as a different gender identity 24/7, including HRT and surgery, I’m not trans. I’ve asked these hardliners what about people who would 100% do that if they could, but can’t for various reasons, be it personal safety, finances, etc. Their response is, “If you’re truly trans, you’ll find a way.” Oh, ok. Would that it were so simple.

"Cis people don't wonder if they're 'trans enough'"

Don’t get me wrong – the people who subscribe to that view are far outnumbered by the people I’ve met who are supportive and open to me using whatever terminology feels right to me. But the fact that that viewpoint is out there at all makes me think twice about referring to myself as trans. And honestly I can somewhat see where they’re coming from: given how easy it is for me to go back to blending in as a guy, am I really living the trans experience? Or am I just playacting when it’s safe and fun?

And sometimes, it’s not just a rhetorical question about terminology - this goes so far as to make me question which bathroom to use when I’m out and dressed. It’s not that I don’t feel like a woman when I’m presenting as one and figure I should relieve myself accordingly; it’s more that I understand the sanctity of the ladies room, and question if I’m trans enough to belong there. But I really don’t feel comfortable in the men’s room when dressed. Thank the gods for all the places that now have gender neutral bathrooms! Otherwise I generally end up holding it until I get home.

This idea of being “femme enough” or “trans enough” is something that bounces around in my head a lot. Another hot take from my therapist on that front: “cishet people don’t wonder if they’re ‘trans enough’.” IE, if you question if you’re “trans enough” to do something, yes, you’re trans enough to do it. Ok, that one I can definitely work with.

Maybe where I fit in is just where I'm comfy.

There are a couple terms out there that I am actually drawn to, such as “Two-Spirit”. From the information I’ve read on it, it’s a pretty good way to refer to how I feel about myself. Of course, I’m not Native American, so taking it on would bring about all kinds of cultural appropriation issues. But an online friend named Ash Ardent has an idea for a term that is more appropriate to people of other backgrounds. As Ash describes it: “My female identity is purely spiritual and I acknowledge my physical body as male. I've started to call this being ‘Transpiritual’. It's inspired by the term Two-Spirit but it's not limited to being bigender and avoids cultural appropriation.” I’m still weighing if this is the best description for myself, but so far it feels good. And it’ll feel even better if it’s a term that actually catches on.

So where do I fit in? Good question; I have a feeling I’ll be trying to figure it out for the rest of my days. Today I’m feeling femme and wearing leggings, a fuzzy sweater, and light makeup. Tomorrow I might be more masc in relaxed-fit jeans, a flannel shirt, and an unshaved face. Maybe where I fit in is just where I’m comfy. And if I’m feeling comfy and welcome in a trans space, then I must fit in there.

After all, chances are good that there are other people like me in those spaces who are also wondering if they belong there. And aren’t we all just trying to figure out where we fit in? (Though I’m still gonna struggle with the bathroom question… :D )

Tell me more about your fit in the comments, or find me online at facebook.com/samanthafromde and instagram.com/samanthafromde .