Some questions stay quietly with us for years before we finally find the courage to give them a voice. They can show up in small moments — the way we see ourselves in the mirror, the characters we choose in games, or the perspective we naturally take when we tell stories. For many, these little reflections are more than passing thoughts; they’re windows into deeper truths about who we are and how we long to be seen.
In this week’s Powder Room, we’re sitting with a heartfelt question from a reader who writes:
“While taking a shower this afternoon, I looked down at my soapy torso, and was briefly disappointed that I didn’t see breasts. A few nights ago, I thought about how nice it would be to lounge and walk around the house in just a T-shirt and panties. I often game as female characters if it’s an option. When I write love scenes, I always write from the woman’s perspective. My question is this: after 56 years of living, should I be wondering if I’m trans?”
Jer
Jer says…
This is a difficult one to answer… and no one can do this diagnosis but a licensed professional.. as well as with the limited info…I think with these being recent feelings and how sporadic they are, it gives me pause… trans identity, and transition is NOT something to be taken lightly… if the feelings were more frequent, I would say, perhaps seek the advice of a professional…
That said, it seems like it might be something that falls more in the pleasurable fantasy realm. Something that can be done and taken off, to indulge in… which is extremely valid and just fine.. Theres are thousands out there with similar feelings… some of whom will likely write for this blog… They enjoy the feminine, but it isn’t necessarily part of who they are in their being…
That said, I’m Genderfluid, a version of a trans identity, my gender is part of my core being… It’s something that has grown over time and only recently come to light, but it has also been in the back of my mind for a long time. In deep reflection, this was due to trauma and shame around it, and learning to put it all away. It never disappeared, but I learned to control it so to say… my own inclinations don’t have much to do with panties, heels, skirts, or even wanting breasts… It’s been about wanting to see myself in the mirror in a way that makes me feel WHOLE… I actually spend very little time in t-shirt and Panties, heels, or even skirts and dresses… But that’s me, that’s my experience… I won’t tell you how to be. or what your own journey might be. But give yourself space to not necessarily be trans just because you enjoy certain things… think it through and seek help in guiding you through that reflection if you need.
Hannah
Hannah says…
It sounds like you already ARE wondering if you’re transgender.
If you are wondering if you are transgender then it’s probably time to decide if whether or not “the T word” is an appropriate and fitting term that aligns with your gender identity. To some, transgender means transitioning or presenting as femme full-time. Transgender can mean making these decisions, but they don’t have to. I identify as transgender, and I have no plans to transition or present as femme full time. I am happy to present as different genders at different times of the day and in different moments of my life.
The only way to start this journey is to wear a t-shirt and panties (or whatever you daydream about) and discover whether or not it feels right. If it does (and I’m guessing it probably will), then you may want to start exploring your gender identity (perhaps with a gender therapist) to discover who you are.
Love, Hannah
Eden (certified fitter)
Eden says…
Gender identity is ultimately, a spectrum, and there’s no easy answer here. If we’re trying to be very black and white about it, being trans can be broken down to something really simple: your mind/heart/soul is in the wrong packaging. If you’re a Barbie doll in a GI Joe box, you’re going to be unhappy until you finally get to get out of that GI Joe box and you get to go in your Barbie box.
That’s being really, really simple, though. And maybe that doesn’t quite feel exactly how you feel, but maybe sometimes that does feel right. Guess what? That’s okay! That means that maybe a different term is more suitable for you. It may be that sometimes, that feels so right for you, and existing as your “girl” self is everything you could ever dream of… but maybe you also really love your “boy” life too. It could be that gender fluid or bi-gender feels right for you — sometimes, you’re Stephan, and sometimes, you’re Stephanie. It’s completely valid to feel like both feel right for you. And it’s also completely valid for this experience to be different in different stages of your life, as well.
It’s also completely acceptable, and possible, that being some form of trans isn’t in your identity at all. It may be that you just like the story telling of a feminine perspective more, or you enjoy the feeling of certain fabrics more. There’s nothing wrong with that! It’s all perspective, preference, and ultimately what you enjoy. Maybe a term like genderqueer or non-binary feels right for you, or maybe you prefer the classic term of crossdresser: someone who enjoys certain elements of dressing in the ‘opposite’ sex, but doesn’t feel the want and/or need to live (in the short term or the long term) as that gender.
My advice? Do some research on different terms of gender identity and see if one of the terms feels more like who you are. It might not be that any of them feel right, or that many do. If some catch your attention more than others, it may help you have a better understanding of what you may want to look in to more, and maybe help you feel more confident in accepting who you are fully. Know that no matter what terms feel right for you, there is nothing “wrong” with you. You are a beautiful human being, and the label you choose for yourself is for you to feel more comfortable and confident. Never be ashamed to be who you are!
There isn’t a single timeline for self-discovery, nor a single path that defines what it means to be trans, crossdresser, or simply someone exploring femininity. What matters most is giving yourself permission to ask the question — and to honor the feelings that rise with it.
At 56, or at any age, it’s never too late to listen to your heart and explore what feels authentic to you. Whether that exploration leads to embracing a trans identity, to enjoying moments of femininity at home, or to finding joy in play and expression, your journey is valid.
And remember, The Powder Room will always be here as a place for your questions, your reflections, and your truths. 💌 If you’d like to share your own, submit it here: https://form.jotform.com/252186018094053
