I am hesitant to say anything definitive when it comes to how every gender nonconforming person feels and what they want, but I am fairly confident that most of us want to come out to at least one person in our lives.
Yes, coming out is terrifying. And yes, it IS coming out. For most of my life, “coming out” I thought was mostly associated with sexual identity, such as coming out as a gay, but I feel that we are coming out when we share our gender identity/identities with others.
And! The first person we need to come out to is ourselves. We need to be honest with ourselves about who we are… even if we are not sure what label (God I hate the idea of labeling ourselves but you know what I mean) fits best or where we are heading on our journey or what this side of us means. I feel that acknowledging this side of us is the first step and also accepting that this is not a phase and not something we will grow out of it.
And thank goodness for that. I love this part of me. I love her life. I love how I feel when I am en femme or falling asleep in a nightgown or selecting my panties for the day. My gender identity, who I am, makes me happy and I want to be myself around the people I love. In order to do that, however, we need to come out. We need to have The Talk, specifically The Talk with our significant other.
The Talk, if you haven’t guessed, is the frightening and necessary conversation about this side of you. And yes, I believe The Talk is important and required. I fully believe that this is not a phase. Whether you wear a cute matching bra and panties set under your boring boy clothes or slither into a bodycon dress on Saturday nights, you will not grow out of this.
And why would you want to? This side of us is so fun.
This side of us is so fun.
Sure, you THINK you can outgrow this. You think you can deny this part of yourself. You think you can live the rest of your life without lingerie. After all, it’s possible you have gone weeks, even months, without sneaking discreetly into the women’s section at Target. But then one day you are pulled back in. You are drawn to an outfit modeled by a mannequin. Perhaps it’s a cute top and sexy black pencil skirt with slingback pumps.
You stopped denying who you are and embraced yourself. Of course, it’s possible you purged whatever cute outfit or nightie you bought after only a few days and it’s possible you once again resisted buying a cute dress for another few months, but my point is that it’s a never ending cycle.
Accepting yourself is one thing. Coming out to your partner is a completely different thing. Is anything scarier? Is there a conversation where this much is at stake? We know that the love of our life may leave us after we breathe the words “I wear women’s clothes” to them. We daydream about the best case scenario but we are likely afraid of the opposite. The potential fallout hangs over our heart and head like the Sword of Damocles.
Before I continue, I want to acknowledge that every relationship is different in terms of dynamics and genders and sexuality. I am going to speak very broadly here and I want to make it clear that all love is valid and worthy of celebration. The committed relationship I have with my wife is going to be different than everyone else’s committed relationship. Of course, there are similarities and likely different aspects that are relatable, but there’s always going to be parts that are invisible to most people. That being said, much of this writing is going to be about being married to a cisgender girl.
I mean, write what you know, right? I am married to a cisgender girl but I know not everyone who is reading this is. I hope no one feels excluded.
It’s naive to think that getting married or finding the love of your life will stave off these feelings. It might for a while, but there’s going to be a day when you are putting away laundry and see your wife’s beautiful bra and oh, the longing in your heart reawakens. It roars back stronger and bolder and louder and more demanding than you expected. It will not be ignored.
Perhaps you try it on. Perhaps not. Perhaps you can’t stop thinking about it… especially if she has the matching panty. Perhaps you buy your own bra. There are countless scenarios over the course of your relationship that will trigger those pangs of longing.
So, now what? Do you continue to suppress this side of you? Do you wear her clothes in secret? Do you buy your own and hide them?
So many choices! Unfortunately there’s not an answer that is perfect for every person or for every relationship. I am not an expert in anything, so please keep that in mind when it comes to making your own decisions.
Here’s what I am fairly certain of: she will know if you wear her clothes. She will know from the scent, if her bra is a little stretched out, or if her blouse isn’t hanging as neatly as it was, or if you are acting a little off. It’s possible she may not assume that you are trying her skirts or dresses on, but she’ll likely start noticing these instances.
Simple solution, right? Buy your own lingerie, right? Great thinking… until she finds the black bustier and stockings hidden under a stack of sweaters. Even if this isn’t likely, it’s a real shitty way for her to find out that her husband crossdresses. It’s also possible that crossdressing isn’t the first thing that she assumes.
Speaking broadly, people usually don’t like to learn that their spouse is keeping something from them, regardless of what the secret is, whether it’s about finances or gender identity. The conversation can turn to trust and honesty instead of a husband wearing lingerie. In my opinion and experience, crossdressing itself isn’t always the issue in a relationship, it’s the LYING about crossdressing wherein lies the problem.
Think about this from her perspective. For example, if she was in over her head in credit card debt, would you like to learn about this by accidently opening the credit card statement? Probably not. I know being thousands of dollars in debt is not the same thing as wearing panties, but the point is that there is A Secret between two people when there shouldn’t be any secrets at all.
Essentially, I think it’s important to come out to our significant others BEFORE any real commitment is made. What I mean is before you move in with each other, before you adopt a dog together, before you get engaged, before you have a kid, you (probably) should have The Talk.
You need to come out to your beloved.
Coming out, in many aspects, works AGAINST our initial thinking when it comes to this side of us. Many of us started crossdressing in secret and it remained a secret for years. Possibly for a lifetime. We were TERRIFIED of being caught. We were TERRIFIED of the stereotypes that the world had/has when it comes to “boys wearing girl clothes”.
For myself I didn’t want anyone to think that what I wore was a fetish. Not that there’s anything wrong with a crossdressing fetish, but I didn’t want anyone to think that this side of me, a side that brings me such peace and happiness, is strictly a sexual kink. Like all aspects of my life, I want to be understood.
Which is, admittingly, not easy. Gender identity is not something that most people think about, and it’s likely not something many cisgender people can relate to. Like, what do you mean you don’t FEEL like a boy?
So, yes, coming out is easier said than done. But your partner needs to know. And you need to be ready for the questions that you will likely be asked:
Are you gay?
Are you going to transition?
What does this mean?
How do you identify?
Is this a sexual thing?
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Now, you may not have answers for these questions but you need to be ready for them, even if your response is “I am not sure yet”. Of course, I feel a therapist could be very helpful in answering these questions and guiding you on your journey.
Your partner asking questions isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Typically questions are asked when there is a need, or a desire, to understand. It’s very possible your partner is very new to the nuances of gender identity. It’s possible they may only know how gender nonconforming people have been portrayed on television shows and movies and let’s face it, these portrayals are not usually done in the most flattering ways. The Talk is an opportunity for you to explain WHO you are and no gender nonconforming person is the same as another.
This is another reason for you to be prepared when it comes to the common questions. This is you coming out, in a way, on your own terms, which is a hell of a lot better than her finding your favorite pink mesh thong in the back of your closet after four years of marriage.
Relationships aren’t easy, coming out isn’t easy. Both take work, patience, communication, and listening. All of this is easier said than done and there’s no right way to come out with the exception of honesty and kindness and empathy.
Love, Hannah