Hannah McKnight: Let’s Talk About Panties

I write a lot. Like, a LOT. My articles tend to be very long, much longer than I intend them to be. I do try to be concise but I fail. A lot. Like a LOT. Being prolific on this stupid cursed wonderful thing called the internet opens me up to a lot of comments and criticism. I don’t mind the criticism if it’s done gently and if it’s without malice.

One thing I hear is that my articles here and the postings on my own website are too long. And they probably are. I often feel I am not conveying my thoughts very succinctly and will often repeat and reiterate what I am attempting to in different ways. The problem is that if I DO succeed with getting my point across the first time, the attempts afterwards become repetitive and the reader usually starts to think “yes, you’ve made your point now please shut up and move on”.

Which is fair.

The other criticism I hear is that I am too… hm, serious? Which is kind of funny to me as I am afraid I often trivialize something as significant as gender identity and I worry that I take things too lightly. But when I look back on recent writings I see their point. So many articles here have been about relationships and the challenges that this side of ourselves can create.

I do think it’s important that we consider all aspects that this side of us brings, particularly when it comes to how this impacts our significant others. When I do write about things like that, I tend to get positive feedback from girls like me who are further along in their journey than others. They have accepted themselves, they have shared this side of themselves (perhaps unintentionally) with their partners and now they are navigating their evolving gender identity and the effect it has on their relationships.

I think I write a lot about this point of our journey because that is where I am. I have been who I am for my entire life. I have known my wife for over 20 years. Our relationship has evolved and matured and deepened and much of this time has entwined with my shifting gender identity.

Not only that, we are all at different points in our lives and gender identity is very personal and nuanced.

I have never claimed that I am THE voice of authority (or whatever) and I don’t speak for everyone who is non-binary. That sounds like waaaay too much responsibility lol. Not only that, we are all at different points in our lives and gender identity is very personal and nuanced.

(I also feel that gender identity is very sacred and it’d be arrogant to assume that one person can speak for everyone who isn’t cisgender.)

I have been wearing “girl clothes” since I was four years old. I came out to my wife when we were dating and all of *this* has evolved from underdressing to where I am now about twelve years ago. I am at a point where I have accepted and embraced who I am, and my wife and I have adapted and are in a good place with this aspect of myself. There’s this balance I have in my life and in my gender identity/identities that took me a lifetime to achieve.

Prior to now, I was, like many of us, vulnerable to The Pink Fog. This is the term to describe being so entrenched in this side of ourselves that we do things that are against our better judgement. It’s not unlike being drunk. When we are lost in the Fog we might spend money on stilettos that we know we shouldn’t, we might buy more pairs of panties than we can afford, we might come out to someone before thinking about all the repercussions, and so on.

When the Fog lifts (again, not unlike sobering up) we assess the decisions we’ve made and we probably realize we made them impulsively and didn’t think things through. It’s very possible we made a mistake when we were in this state and we can’t undo what we’ve done.

You can’t unring a bell, so to speak.

We are prone to this in the early stages of embracing who we are. It’s typical that we first acknowledge this side of us, and then we accept that this is who we are, and we then hopefully embrace it.

And we should. I feel it’s important we love who we are and live without guilt or shame.

When we embrace ourselves, we more or less give into who we are and what we want to wear. So, out comes the credit card and we probably will drive our partners up the wall with endless talk about clothes and makeup and allllll of this. Of course, we probably know that we should be more fiscally responsible and we probably know that our significant others are likely overwhelmed with this revelation and might need a break from conversation after conversation about pencil skirts, but we can’t help ourselves. We are excited and we can’t shut up lol.

I remember these days and I cringe. I regret how much stress I caused my wife, especially realizing now how alone and overwhelmed she felt. A lot of my writing talks about the importance of acknowledging how who we are impacts our partners and encouraging girls like me to be empathetic and gentle and to LISTEN to them. I get a LOT of emails from partners of girls like us and a lot of emails from others like us as well.

These types of emails couldn’t be more opposite of each other. I’ve written a lot about what our partners are experiencing which is almost always contrasting the joy and excitement that we are feeling.

So, let’s talk about the joy.

Let’s talk about panties.

Panties keep me in touch with my femme side. They are a physical and tactile reminder that my gender identity is not what most people see.

As I mentioned, I’ve written a lot over the years about a lot of different topics. Some topics generate certain responses and over time I’ve come to anticipate reactions. This is an overgeneralization, but when I write about relationships, feelings, and social issues related to the trans community, I get emails telling me to lighten up and talk about clothes.

As you can probably predict, when I write about clothes, the emails tell me to grow up and stop being so shallow and superficial and to talk about gender identity in a mature way.

I feel that respecting gender identity is important, and it’s important to consider the numerous aspects of this aspect of ourselves. AND I feel it’s also important to let yourself love what you wear and what you want to wear. I feel that acknowledging wearing what makes you happy IS part of accepting your gender identity. This side of us isn’t always deep, introspective thoughts. This side of us can also include embracing how much we love to wear lipstick, stilettos, leggings, lingerie, pencil skirts, or whatever else makes you feel joy.

Perhaps I am overthinking it, but clothes communicate. They send a message. Of course, sometimes the message is insignificant, but other times they send a message that the wearer is feeling confident or cozy or beautiful or brave or shy or insecure. There is something you can wear for anything you are feeling or anything you want to convey. Outfits and emotions can contrast each other. Sure, you might feel nervous but that bright pink dress and black patent leather five inch stilettos SCREAM confidence. Perhaps your nervousness is the reason you selected that outfit.

The variety of clothes fascinates me, especially clothes that are meant for someone who identifies as feminine or wants to present as feminine.

Growing up, my underwear options were white briefs or, uh, well, that was it. When I got older plaid, loose fitting boxers were added to what was acceptable for someone with my anatomy to wear.

Can you imagine anything more boring? I can’t fathom anyone, even boys, being content with wearing only boy underwear.

I suppose some might consider this TMI, but I wear a lot of different types of panties. Sometimes it’s a pair of simple cotton panties, other times it’s a lacy thong, this morning it’s a really cute pair of sissy pink panties. What I wear is influenced by what else I am wearing, my plans for the day, or my mood. If I have a long or a difficult day ahead, the more feminine my panties are the better.

Panties keep me in touch with my femme side. They are a physical and tactile reminder that my gender identity is not what most people see. It is a reinforcement that my gender is my decision and is a personal, and intimate part of who I am. Even when I have to present as masculine, I take comfort in knowing that there is something… something small, something intimate, something really pink and lacey, that I am wearing that is truly representative of who I am and how I feel.

Love, Hannah