I’ve recently written about coming out and all the risks and fears that can come along with this revelation. Coming out, particularly to our partners, isn’t just a one time conversation. It’s likely something that will come up again, and often, over time, sometimes prompted by small events… As we make our way through our journey, and with each new milestone, it will likely bring up emotions and thoughts not only from ourselves but with our significant others as well. These milestones could be the first time they see panties in our dresser drawer or the first time they see us in a dress.
When these moments happen, it’s not uncommon that another talk, another conversation happens. Perhaps not right away, but likely one in the future. It’s also possible that our partner may have emotions or thoughts or a reaction that might contradict their initial response when we first came out.
Sometimes the reality of a situation hits differently than what we expected. From time to time I will get an email from a woman who tells me that they were accepting when their husband came out to them, but seeing them in panties for the first time triggered a feeling that they weren’t expecting and caused them to think that they weren’t as ready for this element in their relationship as they once thought.
It’s normal. Remember, all of this impacts our partners as well. This is something that is a part of ourselves but is now an element of the relationship we are a part of. Relationships are very much about making things work. They may not work out exactly as we would like or how we would expect, and they may work out in a different way than other relationships, but finding a way for two people to make ONE life work is the key. And this isn’t just about your gender identity. It’s about making shared finances work, household chores, raising your kids, and the other countless things that make up a relationship.
It’s interesting to me how other couples make their relationships work for them… Sometimes a friend will share how they and their spouse divide up household chores or who is responsible for certain expenses, and it may be very different from how my wife and I tackle the same thing. Oftentimes I can’t understand how they make that work as it might not work for us, but it’s a reminder how although it might be different from my own experiences and reality, what really matters is that if it works for them, then who am I to judge?
Although it might be different from my own experiences and reality, what really matters is that if it works for them, then who am I to judge?
When it comes to relationships and gender identity, every couple will likely attempt to find a way to make it work. Whether the IT is the relationship itself or balancing one’s gender identity and journey or a mixture of them both. Again, “making it work” doesn’t mean that the new reality is exactly what both people want. It’s not uncommon for compromises or boundaries to be set when it comes to this side of us.
For example, one of the boundaries my wife has asked of me is to avoid a specific mall. The mall in question is close to our home and it’s the mall that has a really high chance of seeing someone we know. So, fair enough. I also want to avoid places that increase the chance of seeing someone HE knows. Other couples have requests that may include not posting pictures or coming out to anyone else before they discuss it with their partner, or even ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.’ What I mean is that sometimes our partners acknowledge that this side of us exists and is not going away and makes us happy, but our partners would prefer not to see us en femme or have further conversations about the matter.
We may grumble about these requests and we may think they are unfair, but it’s not very common that both people in a relationship get everything they want in every single element of their relationship. Also, it’s not uncommon for us to always want MORE. At one point we think we would be happy if our partners would just let us wear panties, but once we have their blessing, we then want to be allowed to wear a bra or lingerie during intimate moments or…. I’m sure you see where I’m going.
Over the years, I have received many emails from partners of non-binary people. Whether it’s someone who has a spouse that just wears panties or struts out every other weekend completely en femme. I am encouraged by how supportive many partners are, even if they can’t really understand. But this side of us rarely makes a relationship easier. That’s not to say it always makes things more difficult, but it does add an extra element that two people have to consider and discuss. My wife is wonderfully supportive and tells me to have fun each time I go out, but we both worry about a nosy neighbor happening to catch a glimpse of me or if I happen to run into someone we know when I’m at the coffee shop.
Support from our partners manifests itself in different ways. It’s not unlike how every couple shows their affection for each other in personal, intimate ways that are unique to them, but likely different from other couples. Sometimes support from our partners is shown in very public ways, other times it’s smaller, and more subtle.
I write a lot about this side of us and how it can, and how it can’t work, when it comes to a relationship. Almost every element of who we are and how this fits into a relationship comes down to trust and honesty. I am lucky to have an amazing wife, who is amazing in many different ways. She doesn’t understand, but she accepts and she can relate. And that’s more than I can ask for. A question I am often asked by other non-binary people like myself is whether or not my wife participates. This question always gives me pause as I am not sure what they really mean. So I ask them.
Usually they want to know if my wife goes out with me. Do we go shopping together? Do we run errands together? Do we have a girls night out every few weeks? And no. We don’t do these things together.
Sometimes, but not often, they will boast about how their wife does EVERYTHING with them. Shopping, clubbing, whatever. Yay! I am happy for them. But on more than one occasion I’ve been told that since my wife doesn’t hit the club with me or whatever then she is not really supportive.
Oh I am not easy to piss off but that’s an effective way to do it.
First of all, marriage (and femme presentation) is not a competition. Secondly, I do not appreciate someone telling me that because my wife shows her support in a different way than another’s wife, it doesn’t mean her support is any less genuine or sincere.
I do not feel that going out together is the only way, or the biggest way, a partner can show support. Our partners need time to adjust to this side of us, and just as we needed to be patient with ourselves as we started our journey, we also need to grant that same patience to our partners. After all, it’s likely we grew up feeling that there was something special about us. It took years of getting to know this side of us and getting comfortable and accepting who we are. It will likely take time for our partners to do the same. Asking our partners to do something, anything, that they are not comfortable doing, is not okay.
And I know it’s not easy. We WANT to have a girls day out with our partners. They are, after all, our best friend. We want that show of support, we want that acceptance, we want that affirmation. But not all of our partners want the same things we do when it comes to this side of us.
But isn’t that what a relationship is all about? Finding out what each person wants and adapting to that? You might want Thai food but she wants Italian so you, well, figure it out. Maybe you get take out from two different restaurants. Maybe you want to see a movie that your spouse doesn’t, so you probably won’t be upset if they don’t want to watch it with you. This side of us isn’t much different.
Listen, I get it. I understand. We want our partners to accept this side of us. And we (probably) want that support to be shown, to be tangible. We want our partners to, well, participate.
For those who have supportive partners, there are likely many different ways they show it, and I feel that those ways are a form of participation. My wife shows her support in many different ways. She’ll recommend different foundations, she’ll tell me she saw a cute outfit online and send me the link, she’ll get out her sewing kit and repair a shoulder strap on a dress, she’ll fold my panties when we do laundry…
You might want Thai food but she wants Italian so you, well, figure it out. Maybe you get take out from two different restaurants. This side of us isn’t much different.
As often as I get emails from partners of girls like us, I get at least twice as many emails from girls like us asking about relationships and the different dynamics and challenges this side of us typically brings. Most of these messages discuss where they are, and where their partner is with all of this. Some have no support, some have set boundaries, some are Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell… but many of them have support in many different ways, including some of the things my wife does to show her support. It’s not uncommon for someone like us to kind of lose sight of the support we have. We might not see how much effort it takes for our partners to accept and understand and adapt to this side of us. We might forget how hard it was, especially at first, for our wife to adjust to seeing her husband wearing a nightgown to bed.
It’s also common for us to want MORE from our partners in terms of support, regardless of how much they give us. I recall an email I received a few years ago from a t-girl who said that her wife regularly goes out with her AND pays for a second apartment for her to go and be girly in. I mean, that’s amazing. Her wife is paying a significant amount of money just so her spouse has a place to go to dress up. That’s a very significant financial act of support. But the emailer wanted MORE from her wife. I did my best to remind her that renting an apartment IS a show of support. I’ve never heard of a spouse doing that for someone. I mean, it’s not uncommon for us as non-binary people to want more, I mean, I want more clothes, but how much more support could we get from our partners beyond having our own apartment AND going out for girly days and nights?
It’s easy to slide into taking our partners for granted in many ways, but when we are blinded by the Pink Fog and so wrapped up in our femme selves, we often lose sight of other people’s feelings and effort. We want MORE from our partners, but in that desire we may not see the support we already have. It’s common for us to look back on our journey and appreciate how far we’ve come and the work and the love it took for us to get to where we are. But we can’t forget our partners have come a long way as well… it just might not be as easy for us to see.
Love,
Hannah