I tend to focus on nuances and semantics and patterns. When ANYTHING happens that is outside of someone’s normal behavior or when I do SOMETHING and the result is different than what the results usually are, I then try to figure out WHY.
Bless my little autistic brain.
If my coworker or a friend is acting a little off, I put on my detective hat and try to figure out why. I mean, we all have off days, but what I mean is that my boss flies off the handle whenever anything less than good news hits his ears. It’s very stressful when I have an update on a project or whatever and I know that he’s not going to be happy about it. I brace myself for rage. But! From time to time his response is very calm and offers his help and gracefully accepts the news and we all move on.
When that happens, my brain shifts into Sherlock Hannah and the game is afoot. Why didn’t he blow his top? Why didn’t he unleash a tirad of curse words? Is it because the project is going to be canceled and the bad news doesn’t matter? Am I going to be fired and there’s no reason for him to lose his temper? Did he get laid last night and is in a better mood than normal? I may not know right away why he responded in a normal, professional way, but now everything is on my radar. I’ll pay close attention to any other changes in his words or actions to see if there’s a bigger picture that might be there, and try to connect the dots, if you will. It’s exhausting
Curse my little autistic brain.
Overthinking, like striding across the room in six inch stilettos, comes naturally to me and I am a professional overthinker. It can be helpful but not necessarily. When it comes to my gender, I used to overthink all the time. But now I feel that my overthinking is the perfect amount of overthinking. I don’t speculate about what all of *this* means, I don’t think about what the random person at the mall might be thinking about me, but I do think about what might be motivating someone’s action or gestures and how it might be entwined with my gender presentation.
What I mean is that when I am out en femme, people respond to me differently. Not bad different, just different. I mean, I am a TALL girl. And the six inch stilettos do not help me blend in (not that I want to). People tend to look at me and need a second to process. Not that I am a goddess at Starbucks or anything, but most people probably do not expect to see a very tall transgirl wearing a cute dress getting coffee at 7am.
Not that I am a goddess at Starbucks or anything.
Most of my experiences are either mundane or absolutely affirming. When I talk about my adventures, I am sometimes asked what it’s like to interact with the world as a girl. Here’s the thing. I don’t know. I mean, I know what it’s like to walk in heels or what it’s like to struggle getting out of a car in a tight skirt, but not every woman wears heels or skirts. When people interact with me, I wonder if they are doing so in response to me being transgender.
For example! If someone holds the door for me, my thought is that they are doing so as an act of chivalry. Buuuuut what if they don’t? Is it because they don’t think that transwomen are women or do they just not hold doors open for anyone? This is something that is impossible to know. Additionally, I live my professional life in male mode. None of my colleagues know about Hannah. I don’t think any challenges I have had in my career have had anything to do with being/presenting as male. But have my wife, my sisters, my friends ever shared their experiences in their professional life that were likely influenced and limited by their gender? Of course. There are aspects to most women’s life that I will likely never experience.
However, there is one aspect to identifying as femme and presenting as femme where I can relate to most women: Interacting with men.
Before I go annnnny further, I want to acknowledge that, yes, not all men. Not all men have/will interact with me the same way that most men do. And yes, saying ‘most men’ is deliberate. At least online, anyway. I do get hit on in public and it’s just… well, very uncomfortable. It’s not flattering or affirming. I do not think for a second that anyone who sees me in public would ever think that I am cisgender. So, my assumption is that a guy hitting on me is doing so because he knows I am transgender. This causes me to speculate two different scenarios:
- They know I am transgender but they do not care. They know that transwomen are women
- They know I am transgender but that is why they are hitting on me. They are attracted to girls like me and I am very likely a fetish to them
Online is a little different. I still wonder which of those two scenarios the guy falls into, but people tend to be bolder, braver, and often cruder online as the anonymity of the internet can encourage someone to say something that they might not choose to say in person.
But regardless of their perspective on gender identity and what they know (or think they know), many men choose to act and use words and ask questions in a certain way. Annnnnd that way isn’t usually gentlemanly.
My mom was a single mom after my deadbeat father left. I grew up with two sisters. I have female friends and relatives. I’ve dated girls. I’m married to a girl. I work with women. I help women who attend the college that I work for. In my femme life, I am good friends with my regular makeup artist and my photographer. I am blessed to know countless amazing women. We talk about our lives and our day to day adventures and our common experiences. As I mentioned earlier, I can’t say I can relate to everything the women in my life experience, but talking to men? Oh girl.
Before I was comfortable going out or posting photos online, I wondered about interacting with the world and how different or wonderful or uncomfortable or frightening or affirming those experiences could be. One of the scenarios I would think about were interactions with men. Would I be harassed? Would I be attacked? Would I be ridiculed?
…Would I be hit on?
The thought of being hit on opened up a rabbit hole of unknown. I knew that it would be unlikely that anyone would see me and think that I am a cisgender girl, so I knew that if someone flirted with me it would be one of the two scenarios that I stated earlier. But I also wondered about how I would feel. Would it be flattering? Would it be affirming? I mean, my goal when I dress is to look cute or beautiful or sexy, and always feminine, so having someone initiate a conversation or comment inspired by physical attraction could be interpreted as flattering and/or affirming. I am very happily married and I have never been attracted to a masculine person so someone hitting on me would (hopefully) cause them to realize that I am not going to respond to them in the way they are likely hoping.
In my male presenting life, I am not, as far as I know, ever flirted with or hit on. Being attractive to someone else is not something I ever think about because in my experience it doesn’t happen. The whole idea of someone flirting with me, regardless of my gender presentation, is strange to me. However, I quickly learned how this felt.
One of the first times I went out I had plans to meet up with my friend at a queer bar. I am early for EVERYTHING in my life, but when I am going out en femme I arrive even earlier than normal. One reason for that is I am excited to go out for another girly adventure, but also I wanted extra time in case something went wrong. It’s funny how when we are going out en femme we start to think of every little thing that could possibly go wrong, from car troubles to snagging your stockings. Most of these scenarios are things that I never give a second thought to in male mode, but Hannah worries about them. If this happens to you, what I find that is helpful is coming up with a solution for most problems.
For example, you might worry about getting a flat tire. Normal concern. So, what happens next? Well, if you don’t want to change it while wearing a bodycon dress and five inch stilettos, call your roadside assistance service. It can cause a lot of anxiety thinking of everything that can go wrong, but keep in mind that almost all the things we think of rarely happen, and every problem has a solution. Thinking of the solution when you think of the problem helps you remember that when something happens, there is a way to fix it, even if that fixing isn’t ideal or it can create an awkward situation.
Anyway, I arrived a lot earlier than my friend did so I wandered around trying not to look like a wallflower. It didn’t take long for some guy to wander up to me, likely after a few drinks for liquid courage, to tell me he’d like to date me. This was the first time I had been hit on in public.
And I hated it.
I felt uncomfortable, I felt a little threatened, and a little powerless. This may sound a little extreme but he kept stepping forward when I stepped back. He kept making his intentions clear and didn’t even pretend to make conversation. I stepped into the ladies room, speechless and afraid. It was at this moment I realized that being hit on by a guy wasn’t affirming or flattering. He was relentless and persistent and I really wasn’t sure what he would do. As I mentioned I kept stepping back when he stepped forward, but what would happen if I was backed into a wall with nowhere to go? The entire moment was new to me. In male mode I rarely felt powerless but I felt that here.
It was at this moment I realized that being hit on by a guy wasn’t affirming or flattering.
To be clear, I didn’t feel powerless because I was en femme. It’s true that wearing a tight dress and stilettos can hinder movement (such as needing to fun away) but even in male mode I am rarely in a position where I feel I may have to physically defend myself.
As I regained my composure as best I could, I realized that this is what many women experience when they are out. And not just out at the bar. At the office, the grocery store, anywhere and everywhere. I was angry at this guy because he ruined my night. I loved the dress I was wearing but he kind of ruined it because he kept talking about it. I hated that I couldn’t just sit at the bar waiting for my friend because he might wander over to me again. I was in the ladies room, in fear and anger, and wondering what to do next.
I feel compelled to say that there are likely some people reading this and thinking, “well, what did she expect? She was wearing a tight dress around men.” Shame on you. It doesn’t matter what I was wearing. It doesn’t matter where I was. There is nothing that a girl can wear that can justify harassment. “Boys will be boys” is the biggest copout. It’s complete bullshit that is used to justify or at least explain how a guy behaves. It infuriates me when a rapist is on trial and what the girl was wearing is brought up. Clothes don’t make a guy rape someone. Whether she is wearing a miniskirt or sweatpants, a girl has been assaulted. There is no such thing as justifiable or forgiveable rape. Of all the crimes in the world, sexual assault is a crime that is never justified. It is NEVER a girl’s fault.
Could I have asked the bouncer to remove this guy? Sure. But I didn’t think of that then. Was I worried he’d be waiting for me when I left? Of course.
Learning how to navigate through the world is something we constantly do, regardless of our gender presentation. With every change in our lives, we learn how to adapt, and going out as Hannah is no exception.
Over time, my social media presence grew. I chatted on forums, posted pictures, and started and maintained a website. I was visible and accessible. If someone wanted to communicate with me, they easily could whether it was posting a comment or sending a DM or an email. Most of my interactions with the world, whether virtually or otherwise, are absolutely pleasant and normal.
Most.
The internet allows anonymity and like alcohol, can embolden someone. People say things in a DM that they would hopefully never say in public. Many men cut right to the chase, if you will.
And I kid you not, as I was typing that last sentence I received this DM on Twitter:
These types of exchanges happen all day, everyday. Both of these “conversations” happened in less than twenty four hours. Some of these guys are relentless. I am often asked to send them a private photo and I tell them no. Then they asked why not. I tell them I don’t send private photos. And again, they ask why. I get the feeling that no doesn’t mean no to a lot of men. A girl doesn’t have to explain herself, and a girl’s reason doesn’t have to satisfy anyone else’s standards but her own.
The world can be a mirror. Sometimes you see or experience someone’s behavior and it gives you pause to think if you yourself do the same thing. As someone who presents as masculine and lives their professional life as such, I am conscious of how I interact with others. What I mean is I work with and talk to many women throughout my day and I think about how Hannah is treated. How powerless she has felt at times. How frustrating it is to get countless DMs each day from men looking for sex. Even if my colleague isn’t getting sexually explicit emails from strangers, she likely has had men in her life talk down to her, belittle her, and comment on her appearance.
I keep that in mind a lot more than I used to. I am more empathetic than I used to, thanks to Hannah’s experiences. That’s not to say that I know what all women go through, but in the experiences I have had, I feel I am likely getting the picture.
One of my behavior changes is I try harder than ever not to interrupt a woman. I have a bad habit of interrupting EVERYONE, regardless of their gender, but I try harder when talking to women. My behavior has also changed when I am out walking with my dogs, for example. It’s not uncommon to see a woman going for a run or a walk when I am out. When I see a woman, I keep my hands visible. I do not want to appear as a potential threat. This is tricky because since I am a tall girl, I am also a tall guy. At first glance I likely appear intimidating so I do what I can to hopefully help women feel a little less on edge.
Hannah’s experiences have introduced empathy and being able to relate on some level about how many women are treated by many men. Feeling intimidated and scared are terrible emotions, especially when those emotions are triggered by an entire gender. In my male life, I don’t expect to convince all women that some men are good, but hopefully I can at least avoid heightening the feelings she may already be having when she sees a man while she’s going for a run.
Love,
Hannah