A Crossdresser's Step by Step Guide to Destroying a Relationship Part One

My, that is an ominous title, isn't it?

We all know that crossdressing (and for the purpose of this article, I am going to use "crossdressing" and "crossdresser" as overall blanket terms that could include, but not limited to, other ways one can identify, such as transgender, nonbinary, and others) doesn't usually make a relationship easier, at least at first.  When we come out to someone, specifically to a significant other, it tends to be a huge weight off of our shoulders.  We're no longer keeping a secret and unless our partner shuts down the conversation (which they are allowed to do), we are finally, FINALLY telling someone what we feel, what we think, what we wear, and what we want to wear.  The dam bursts and words (or at least an attempt at words) come rushing out.

To be clear, that weight doesn't vanish.  It essentially gets transferred to the shoulders of our partner.  What I mean is that many of us carried the fear of being caught by someone as well as the burden of wondering "what all of this means".  Sure, the fear of getting caught will likely always be with some of us, and our gender identity is likely always evolving, but now these thoughts are weighing heavily over our partner.

Simply, WE might feel free, but our partner's life has been turned upside down.

Once we have come out, then crossdressing is part of the relationship. That truth will always exist even if your partner isn't comfortable discussing this aspect of yourself ever again.  They know this about you.  And you know they know this about you.  There can be tension, absolutely.  If you and your spouse see a commercial for Victoria's Secret, they may think about how you yourself were wishing that you were wearing that pretty bra.  And to be fair, you probably ARE thinking that.  All of a sudden your partner is thinking about this aspect of you again and any feelings that they have about it resurface.

Besides being honest and gentle, there really isn't a recommended way to have The Talk.

There's no step-by-step guide to coming out to your partner.  Not really.  There are no magic words to say to them that will easily explain in a satisfactory way who you are and what all of this means.  There are no guaranteed words that will open the door to their acceptance and "letting you" crossdress.  Every relationship is different and every couple communicates in different ways.  You (hopefully) know your spouse better than anyone else does so you probably know how to (and how NOT to) talk about big, life changing things.  Crossdressing may bring a lot of joy to you, but for your partner this revelation is likely one of those life changing things.

Besides being honest and gentle, there really isn't a recommended way to have The Talk.  And yes, that isn't really helpful, but empathy and transparency is how communication works.

I maintain that crossdressing in it of itself doesn't always end a relationship.  Yes, our partners may have had (and possibly still do) a difficult time adjusting to seeing their man wearing a nightgown or seeing his panties in the laundry, but these moments can become kind of normal.  Can, but not always.  I do want to acknowledge that even if we do everything RIGHT when it comes to our crossdressing and relationship, it doesn't guarantee that our partners will always adjust.  This side of us is a LOT to ask of our partners and it's not always something that they want to be a part of their relationship.  I want to be clear that if a relationship does indeed end because of one's crossdressing it doesn't make our partners a bad person for not accepting this side of us.  

Love is wonderful, but there's more to a relationship than love.  

When I wrote that crossdressing itself isn't alway the reason a relationship ends, what I mean is that there are elements that are related to crossdressing that can slowly erode a relationship and partnership.  I get a lot of emails from crossdressers and partners of crossdressers and many of us are making the same mistakes.  Let's chat about these common mistakes and hopefully we can learn about avoiding them and not causing any additional stress to our partners as we navigate the tricky balance of crossdressing and relationships.

Love is wonderful, but there's more to a relationship than love

The Pink Fog

As I mentioned earlier, when we come out we feel a sense of freedom.  We are unshackled from our secret and finally, FINALLY, someone else knows.  And the best part is that it's our partner, the love of our life, that knows.  The person we want to share our life with.  Our best friend.  How amazing is it that we finally told them what is likely the last, biggest, most sacred truth about who we are?  But remember, that weight is now on their shoulders.

Unless your partner absolutely shuts down ANY further conversation about your crossdressing, it's possible that there will be some attempt at easing your crossdressing into your relationship.  Maybe your partner will try to get used to you wearing panties. Maybe your partner will teach you about makeup.  Maybe they will take you shopping.  Maybe not.  It's possible there is a "don't ask/don't tell" element where your partner knows that you are likely wearing panties or getting dolled up on the weekends they are out of town...  but they don't want to know about it.  

Regardless, it's very normal for us to get lost in The Pink Fog.  This is when we become so lost, so enraptured with this side of us that our judgement gets tossed out the window.  We have likely been keeping this side of ourselves to, well, ourselves, for so long that we might feel we have some catching up to do.  We want to live a life that we have long repressed and it's time for our lingerie drawer to be filled.  This is when we make impulsive decisions that we probably shouldn't.  For example, we buy a pair (or three pairs) of high heels.  Sure, our partner knows we wear high heels and that's not the problem.  The problem is when we spent $200 on stilettos when that $200 was being saved for groceries.  This is an example about how the problem isn't crossdressing, but crossdressing adjacent problems.  The problem isn't that our high heel collection is growing, the problem is that we are being reckless and irresponsible with finances.  

Little Pink Lies

Bob Dylan wrote that if you live outside the law then you must be honest.

I think that applies here.  If you live outside the gender binary then you must be honest with yourself and with your partner.  And this is hard, admittingly.  Before we come out we have likely become very good at lying.  It becomes natural and we do it without even thinking.  If a colleague saw me in the makeup aisle at the store I would tell them I am picking up lipstick for my wife or whatever.  This lie is meant to protect me, of course.  Even after coming out, we may instinctively lie to our partners.  We can do this without thinking and it's scary how we just...  fall into that.  

After we come out, we begin a new part of our journey.  Our partner knows that we crossdress and they'll always know this even if it's never discussed.  More than likely after coming out you and your partner establish some sort of agreement about boundaries (which we will get to later).  

Probably the biggest type of lie we tell is about the extent of our crossdressing life outside from the actual crossdressing itself.  

For example, you might tell your partner that no, you are not chatting with other crossdressers online but the truth is that you have accounts in different forums and chat rooms and are spending a lot of time there.  Another common lie is that business trip you took?  It was actually a trip to meet up with other crossdressers or to visit a transformation studio.  The issues here might not be chatting with other crossdressers or getting a makeover, it's that you LIED about what you were/are doing.  Again, crossdressing isn't the culprit, it's lying about crossdressing that is the issue.  Getting caught in a lie can lead to us not focusing our attention on fixing the right problem.  

What I mean is that I get emails from crossdressers that state "my wife knows I crossdress but she  found out I went to Las Vegas to visit a transformation studio when I told her I had a business trip instead.  How can I get my wife to accept my crossdressing?"  Again, the issue isn't crossdressing.  The issue is that you lied.  Your focus should be on repairing the trust in your marriage, not about your gender identity.  

Getting caught in a lie can lead to us not focusing our attention on fixing the right problem.

Boundaries

When we come out to our partners our relationship will very likely change in significant ways.  I think most couples try to tentatively navigate this new part of their relationship.  The early days can be very fluid and what our partners are comfortable with can change.  Oftentimes these changes are influenced by how we ourselves act.  If we get lost in the Fog or get caught in a lie, it's very likely (and understandable) our partners become more uncomfortable with this new part of the relationship.  It's hard to trust someone after we learn that they lied, regardless of what that lie was.  It's also common for our partners to feel overwhelmed by all of a sudden their man is wearing panties and there are new dresses in the closet and new heels everywhere and we are asked to, well, pull back a little.  They may be understanding that you like to wear makeup and get dolled up but seeing "her" every day can get to be a little too much.

So, boundaries are often set.  And they need to be respected.  This usually comes with compromises and concessions and yes, you probably won't be thrilled but remember, before you came out to your partner, you would have done anything to, well, have ANYTHING.

One of the problems with boundaries (for crossdressers) is that we might toe the line. We jusssst might break a rule.  Some common boundaries are not going out of the house en femme, or posting photos online, or avoiding parts of the town you live in.

Crossing a boundary is often entwined with being under the influence of The Pink Fog.  We don't see the harm (or at least willing to risk) in doing SOMETHING that we are not "supposed" to do just one time.  The problem is that doing something ONCE makes it easier to do it a second time.  Afterall, we weren't caught, right?  So, we try our luck again.  And again.  

Crossing an agreed upon boundary is a violation of trust and us going back on our word.  It's not about crossdressing per se, it's proving we can't be trusted.

Okay, that's enough for now.  I'll be back with part two soon.  

Love, Hannah