This is the sequel to Truth, Lies & Crossdressing and a response to the questions posed there. Before I started to write this, I wanted to confirm a quote that I read many years ago so I could properly attribute the writer.

I am not a religious person, but I appreciated the quote all the same. I carried this with me for years and I was surprised by how many times I recalled it and applied it to my life and the people I spoke with. So many people want something but the work it takes to get there is often intimidating and at times left unfinished or in some instances, never started.

This is not a criticism. There are many things I want to do (or finish) that I will likely never get around to. I work hard but I can only do so much with the time and resources that I have. I carefully choose the aspects of my life that I invest my time, attention, and energy on, and pour my heart into them. I work hard at my job because, well, my salary pays for things I need. I work hard in my marriage because my wife deserves and expects a committed and invested partner. I work hard on my femme presentation because my reflection makes me happy.

None of these things are easy. These aspects of my life require consistent, and evolving, care and attention. Once you begin to neglect your work responsibilities and relationships, it's challenging to get back on track.

If that neglect caused any damage, then there's the time and energy needed to undo (if possible) said damage. Dependability in your relationships, whether in your own home or at the office is crucial. Once people stop being able to count on you then it's hard to repair your reputation.

The above quote reminded me that if I want to achieve certain things in my life, whether it's a promotion or a healthy and satisfying and fulfilling relationship, I need to work for them and I need to work ON them. The quote also has reminded me that not everyone is willing to work towards what they want and although it might be frustrating to, I need to accept that.

Work is HARD. It's why it's called WORK. And sometimes getting started isn't easy and a task, whether or not it's actually difficult, can feel overwhelming. There are things in my life and chores around my home that are likely not as hard as I think they are, but that mental barrier, that perception, can make getting started a herculean task.

But we all need a little help at times. Sometimes it's a gentle push, a kind word, a reality check, or a different perspective from an unknown source, such as the above quote.

I can relate to others when getting started on a new direction in life, or a small household project, or acknowledging how much work will need to go into something is intimidating to the point of someone getting discouraged before they even begin.

But I think it's important to accept that if you don't invest the time and care and patience and resources that something will require, then your goal will forever be out of reach. Sitting around and complaining that your dream will never come true when you've never really committed to making it happen does little good.

Again, we want heaven...

So what does this have to do with gender identity? Well, A LOT. Specifically when it comes to relationships.

Work is HARD. It's why it's called work.

For a long time I cringed at the usage of the word "journey" when it comes to gender identity. But I have reluctantly accepted that it's probably the best word for, well, our journey. Like any trek, our journey will be filled with troubles, challenges, stress, fear, joy, anger, excitement, thoughts of giving up, and (hopefully) satisfaction.

I do not think that acknowledging your gender identity will initially make your life easier. This realization will likely trigger internal questions about labels and coming out and next steps and wondering if you will eventually be making significant decisions about your life and body.

But I do feel that being honest with yourself can make you happier. Once we stop fighting and resisting what we love and who we are, we can be the person we are meant to be. Sure, it might end some relationships and possibly significantly alter the trajectory of your life, but in the end this is YOUR life and you need to live it in the way that is right for you.

Again, our journey will not be easy, and in some ways, the hardest parts are at the beginning. We might deny that this side of us is real and that is not easy. It's challenging to go against our instincts and ignore our hearts. So, we ACKNOWLEDGE that there is a part of us that makes us happy, that feels right, even if it's not something that isn't very common (as far as we know).

After acknowledgement, then comes ACCEPTANCE. We stop denying who we are, and we accept our identity, our desires... even if this is done so reluctantly.

And finally, EMBRACING who we are. If wearing panties or heels or makeup makes you happy, then be happy, dammit.

It's likely you are moving through these moments alone. And these are three moments that are emotionally difficult. Going through such important moments alone is not easy. We need support from others, particularly from those we love and those who love us, when we are going through things.

But these discoveries teach us, prepare us, and conditions us to journey alone. We might go through years, decades, or even a lifetime of internal reflection and stress alone and it can be exhausting.

By the time we have arrived to the point where we come out, particularly to our significant others, we might be DONE thinking and overthinking about gender and identity. We have arrived at a point in our journey where we are ready to stop hiding who we are and wanting to express our gender identity through presentation.

This can be a lot of different things. It might mean dressing completely en femme and going out on a Friday night, or wearing lingerie during intimacy, or panties under your boy clothes, or a dress around the house.

However.

But I do feel that being honest with yourself can make you happier.

(You knew there would be a however, didn't you?)

However, our significant others are at a different point in their own journey.

Yes, our partners are suddenly on their own journey, and this is one that they have been pushed to begin. They are just getting started, and it begins with an out-of-the-blue revelation that their man wears ___________________.

It's not uncommon for you and your partner to be miles apart on this journey. We have been on it for likely our entire lives and have faced all the normal questions about gender and sexuality and labels and everything that being non-binary offers. But our partners haven't and now they will go through what we've already confronted and they will likely be just as overwhelmed and emotional and confused as we were.

Coming out (and it is coming out) is liberating and intimidating and frightening. We can never *really* know how someone will react when the genie is out of the bottle (so to speak) annnnnd we really don't know how *we* will react after we come out.

Whenever I've come out to someone I was dating, I felt incredibly vulnerable. My biggest, my most intimate secret was in the hands of someone else. I needed to trust them and for them to keep this aspect of myself as sacred as I kept it. But I also knew that they had no obligation to.

I've also come out to a few friends. In these moments I felt... free. I was excited. I didn't have the risk of having my heart broken for one, but the friends I came out to had transgender friends so having one more non binary friend probably wasn't going to be a big deal.

Of course, the people I dated also had non binary friends, but it's not uncommon for someone to react a little... different when it's their significant other revealing that their gender identity isn't as simple as they thought. WE know that being queer (whether this is in regard to gender or sexuality) can make life a little more nuanced, and that it's possible our gender can possibly change over time. This is a lot to ask of a partner. It can give someone pause when they consider a relationship with someone that could potentially transition.

I suppose it's not unlike beginning to date someone and they tell you that in two years their job might relocate them to Japan. Not only are you thinking if this person is someone you want to have a relationship with, you also have to consider if you want to go to Japan with them if that's where their life takes them.

Of course, not all of us transition, but that is something our partners think about.

Anyway.

When we come out, it can be likely a dam bursting and ALL we can talk about is, well, this side of us. In the early days of my journey I overwhelmed my wife with shopping and clothes and makeup and could not shut up about all of this.

I was so excited to be able to share this side of myself with my wife and years and years of thoughts and dreams and fears just poured out of me. My high heeled foot was on the gas and wasn't letting up.

Over time I settled down and my wife was patient and was always honest when she needed me to rein it in a little. After all, this was something she was getting used to as well, and sometimes we need a break from things that are overwhelming. I get it. I didn't at the time, but I do now.

Coming out is exhausting. Our journey can take a lot out of us. Decades of thinking and overthinking can take its toll. Sometimes when we come out the last thing we want is to keep talking about gender identity. We're done thinking. We are done holding back. We are done compromising with ourselves, we are done suppressing ourselves.

And, well, we shouldn't. We need to be true to ourselves and we need to be who we are.

But this can lead to problems.

Relationships are about communication and creating a dynamic where your partner can feel that they can discuss difficult things. If someone's gender identity/presentation has evolved and shifted, then their partner is forced to process it. This will likely drop someone into uncharted territory without many resources or a map on how to navigate this.

It's up to us to help. We do this by being empathetic, by listening, and being patient.

And this is where we can screw everything up.

In my last article, I wrote about how it's not always the crossdressing itself that is the problem, it's the issues that arise that are related to it.

If we don't communicate or listen to what our partner is feeling in regards to this side of us, then problems will arise. This is a lot for our partners to process and it's a lot for us to expect from our partners.

Of course, we WANT our partners to accept us, to support us, and to understand us. We all want to go to heaven, after all...

But what does it take to get there? How can we help our partners accept us, support us, and understand us?

We all want to go to heaven, after all...

There's no magic word that we can say. There are no right words to use. There's no simple way to guide our partners through this.

I mean, there are plenty of wrong ways, but there's not the perfect way to do this. It comes down to patience, empathy, active listening, and yes, probably some compromise.

We also need to accept that they may not accept us. It's harsh but it's reality. You can't MAKE someone do something.

Patience is hard. We have The Talk and our partners are figuring out how to navigate this. It's not likely the two of you will drive to the mall and start building your wardrobe right then and there. It's not likely the two of you will hit the town that weekend for a girls' night out. Those moments MIGHT come in time, but don't put a timeline on it.

And stop asking them.

Trust me, if and when your partner is ready to do anything with you en femme, they will probably let you know. Asking them every other day or whatever is not going to help. The more I am asked about SOMETHING, the more annoyed I get. For example, if my boss asked me once an hour how that report is coming, the more irritated I will get. Like, I am freaking working on it and I'll let you know when it's finished.

Your partner is freaking working on this new element in your relationship. Give them space. Believe me, they know that you want to go to the mall or whatever. If you told them once, they'll remember.

Empathy is crucial. You have fundamentally changed the relationship in a way that they never really expected. Again, this is uncharted territory. You may not know how to navigate this aspect of yourself, and it's a sure bet that your partner doesn't know what to think, feel, or what to do next. I mean, how would you feel if your wife told you that she wants to bind her breasts, wear men's clothes, and be called Derek?

I have no idea why I picked Derek, lol.

How would you feel if your partner wanted to have an open marriage? How would you feel if your partner converted to a new religion? These are decisions that will alter your life in ways you probably didn't anticipate when you got married. Gender identity isn't that much different, in terms of unexpected changes.

Active listening is the thing I feel many of us completely drop the ball on.

This might be a subconscious thing, or we might have decided that we are going to be who we are, we are going to wear what we wish, and to hell with everything else. On one hand, yes, wear what you want and who cares what others say or think... but when it comes to our partners, well, you can't really do that (regardless what it's about) and expect your significant other to feel loved and heard.

Compromise is, well, it's never easy. We want what we want and we do not want less than what we desire. We may have spent a lifetime suppressing what we want to wear and we might be done with suppressing it. But if your partner asks something of you, then you need to listen and talk about it. Arguments are not about "winning", they are about two people trying to work through something.

If your partner asks you to take off your nail polish because their parents are coming to visit, then perhaps you should. If your partner asks that you do a better job of hiding your panties because you have little kids that like to snoop, then perhaps you should. I do not feel that all compromises are unfair. After all, both of you are trying to adapt to this side of you, and oftentimes changes are part of adapting. A request to hide your panties isn't the same thing as forbidding you to wear panties. Your partner isn't asking you to not paint your nails, but they might not be ready for their parents to see their son-in-law having bright glossy red stiletto nails.

Our gender identity is OUR gender identity. Our journey is OUR journey. Our partners are not obligated to modify every aspect of their lives to accommodate us. It's not fair to expect this of them. Again, this is a LOT to ask of them.

My wife is amazing and supportive. But she does not want my gender identity to be revealed and have it forever alter the dynamic she has with her family. She has lovely people in her family, but if I came out to everyone, whether as a non-binary person or as transgender or if someone saw my lacy panties peeking out from beneath my boy clothes, it would rock the boat in a way that is unfair to my wife.

I do not want who I am to destroy any aspect of my wife's life. I am happy to make sure every fleck of mascara is wiped away before we visit her parents. It's an incredibly small and simple thing and I don't feel I am betraying myself or my identity. I am, after all, bi-gender and happily flip back and forth between presentations.

I am happy that my wife is comfortable with making such requests. I want her to know that her feelings and thoughts matter and will be heard when it comes to how I present. Of course, like any new element in a relationship, adapting to my identity took time and it took a lot of work from both of us.

Annnnd now we go full circle to wanting heaven but doing what it takes to achieve it.

But if your partner asks something of you, then you need to listen and talk about it.

I have failed more than I have succeeded in every aspect of my life. Whether it's walking in stilettos or mistakes at work or communication in a relationship. But I learn. I try to do better. I do better.

Navigating to a point where I felt true to myself and my wife feeling secure in where I was and am took time and patience and tears and frustration and countless mistakes. Through all of this, we never stopped talking. I didn't always listen, not at first, anyway. Therapy and getting sober helped me become more centered and present. I was able to clear the Pink Fog from my mind and make better decisions.

This took a lot of work.

And I didn't always want to do the work.

When I realized that all of THIS was more than just about panties and there is more to my gender than I realized, I embraced it and never looked back. I was done thinking and was ready to get blissfully lost in this new world.

And this is where we can screw everything up.

When we walk towards something, we are also walking away from something. We leave something behind. In some cases, we leave people behind. Of course, leaving people behind that hurt us or hate us isn't a bad thing, but when we leave our partners behind, the person that we committed to, then we have a problem.

When I receive an email from a significant other, one of the biggest emotions they feel is tied to feeling that their partner isn't listening to them. They feel lost in their partner's journey and are confused and hurt and lonely and overwhelmed. They feel insignificant. My wife felt all of these things. I was blind and deaf to her feelings. Again, therapy and sobriety helped. I did not choose to ignore her.

I also get emails from others like myself who are new to this aspect of themselves and looking for guidance in their relationships. The frustrating thing about so many of these interactions is that although every single person wants their partner to understand all of this, they are not always willing to, well, give anything up.

What I mean is that yes, you shouldn't suppress or deny who you are... BUT we also need to take our partner's feelings into consideration. You may have a supportive partner but this new element in your relationship can easily overwhelm them and sometimes they need a break from thinking about all of this. It's not uncommon for our partners to wonder where all of *this* is going and we can all relate to feeling nervous and apprehensive about heading into unknown territory. When the love of your life is all of a sudden painting his nails it can take a little time to get used to.

Again, this side of us can overwhelm our partner, and it can overwhelm us, but we LIKE that. We WANT to be overwhelmed by this new world. We think about how to incorporate this beautiful and pink feeling into every aspect of our life. We think about clothes or how we can look or feel more feminine. We talk about clothes, we talk about makeup, we wear panties, we buy high heels, we wear lingerie during intimate moments. We are lost in the fog... and even if we realize that, we don't try very hard to resist it.

Our partners can easily begin to dread moments in their life that made them happy. It may not have been that long ago when they loved sexy time. But perhaps now sexy time just feels like an excuse for their man to wear lingerie. Perhaps they've asked their partner to skip the negligee once in a while but perhaps their request was ignored or dismissed or conveniently forgotten.

All of a sudden intimacy isn't something our partners look forward to.

We can feel frustrated of course. We don't want to tone it down or deny ourselves from wearing what we want. We suppressed ourselves for too long and we're not going back. I get it. I do. I promise. We want to keep strutting forward without looking back. We're done talking. We're done compromising ourselves. 

I have failed more times than I have succeeded in every aspect of my life...But I learn. I try to do better. I do better.

Again, when we walk away from something, we often leave something, or someone behind. In many situations, it's our partner we are walking away from. We leave them feeling alone, neglected, and confused. They are trying to process and absorb all of THIS and they are likely feeling alone. I mean, it's not an easy thing to discuss with someone. How do you tell your friend that your husband is wearing panties?

Having no one to turn to, our partners keep trying to connect with us but we are either choosing to ignore them or we are simply unaware at how much this side of us is affecting them.

But we are not as oblivious as we seem. We likely know our partners are struggling and we want our partners to understand and to support us... but we don't always help. We are not always patient. Again, we are DONE with thinking about this. We have conquered all our fears and have accepted and embraced ourselves. The last thing we want to do, or have the energy to do, is to start over. In some cases, we just want our partners to get USED to this side of us, and hopefully stop all conversations about it.

And that's not fair to our partners.

Sometimes we leave them to sort out their feelings themselves. We want them to accept us but without us compromising or slowing down or taking a break.

When a newly out crossdresser emails me about the aftermath of this revelation, they usually talk about how their wife is handling this. It's usually not well. They tell me what their wife is saying and feeling and asking of them. In response I ask them what they themselves are doing to help. What compromises they themselves are making. What are they doing to support their partner through all this.

And it's usually nothing.

Again, we shouldn't compromise ourselves, but relationships need communication and often changes in behavior. Yes, we might want to wear the sexiest lingerie during intimate moments, buuuuut sometimes we need to leave the corset in the drawer from time to time if we are asked. In my opinion this is a small thing, but it shows that we are listening to our partner and acknowledging their feelings.

Crossdressing itself usually isn't THE problem, but if problems arise BECAUSE of crossdressing (such as communication breakdown or out of control spending), then it won't take long for your wardrobe preferences to be at the root of tension and anger and stress.

Love, Hannah

p.s. I never could find out who said the above quote, so if you know, please post in the comments!