I have a pronoun problem.
It probably isn’t the problem most people think of when they talk about issues with pronouns, where they have difficulties getting some people to honor the pronouns they want used. Rather, my problem is figuring out what pronouns feel best for me.
In general, when someone asks for my pronouns, I tell them that that is a work in progress, but to please use the pronouns that match my presentation – if I’m presenting femme, please use she/her, and if I’m presenting masc, please use he/him. But I don’t like putting the onus on the other person to figure it out for me. Additionally, this has been fine while I’ve been presenting solidly femme or solidly masc. But lately I’ve been experimenting a little more with blurring the lines, which means it’s not always apparent which gender I’m presenting. So I need another option.
There is, of course, the obvious answer: they/them. The problem is, my brain is a stickler for grammar. It was drilled into me throughout my entire primary school years that “they” and “them” are plural terms. And getting my brain to unlearn that has been a surprisingly difficult challenge.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “But people use ‘they’ as a singular term all the timme!” You’re right, they do. And I do it as well. But whenever I do, I still hear my 3rd grade teacher (who was a 700-year-old Felician nun straight off the boat from Poland) yelling at me that it’s wrong, and I should say “he-slash-she” or “one” instead of “they”. Why other things I was taught have taken a back seat in my brain while this random thing stays front and center, I have no idea. But there it sits, bugging me on a daily basis.
But even beyond that, there’s the matter of subject/verb agreement (yes, I’m really going to get that deep into the grammar weeds). In these situations, we’re using “they” in place of “he” or “she” as singular pronouns. And for singular pronouns, you should also use the singular form of a verb: He is, she has, etc. But we’re still saying they are and they have, which are the plural forms of those verbs. If the goal is to give nonbinary people a truly equal pronoun, then the subject/verb agreement should also be equal, rather than marking them as different by using different verb forms – “they is” and “they has”.
Of course, if we already think it’s difficult just to get people to acknowledge different pronouns, getting people to accept “they is” as correct grammar is likely an even bigger ask. But it does also solve the confusion that can sometimes occur with this change in the meaning of “they”. It’s not uncommon that I have to ask if someone means a singular person using “they” for themself, or a group of people that includes that person. By adjusting the verb as needed, we’ll immediately know if “they” is singular or plural based on the form of the verb that follows it.
The other solution would be to get wider acceptance of a different pronoun such as “ze”. Contrary to popular belief, “ze” is not a brand new word – it was first added to the Oxford English Dictionary in 1972, and can actually be traced as far back as 1864. 150+ years is still relatively young in linguistics terms, but it’s certainly older than “internet”, and we’ve had no problem adopting that word.
Don’t misunderstand me – if someone else uses they/them, I absolutely do everything I can to honor that. It feels awkward in my brain, but my mental block is not another person’s problem, so I [try to] respect that for them. I’m only speaking of my own personal preference for my own identity, and they/them is just very confusing for me. And given that the entire point of having preferred pronouns is to make yourself feel more comfortable with your gender identity, choosing a term that causes me confusion is obviously not the best solution.
Or, maybe the answer is to get my brain to focus on another lesson from my school days. In high school we were asked if grammar should be prescriptive or descriptive – should it tell you how you should use language, or should it simply explain how language is used, thus making it easier to accept changes? The nerdy stickler in me obviously leans prescriptive. But language changes and evolves, so why shouldn’t rules change along with it?
Or maybe I just overthink and overcomplicate things.
Do you struggle with your own pronouns? Have you had issues honoring other people’s pronouns? Let’s talk about it in the comments, or find me online at facebook.com/samanthafromde and instagram.com/samanthafromde.
Written for The Breast Form Store by: Samantha Chepan
