Missed the first part? Read it here
Here I am back again with the second part of this fun little series.
It's a hard pill to swallow when it comes to owning up to our mistakes and decisions. It's not uncommon for humans to blame others or at the very least deflect responsibility when something goes wrong. This is true in relationships. When a disagreement or an argument happens people tend to blame their partner by saying things like "you started it" or whatever. If you're reading this you are probably aware or experienced in how gender identity can impact a relationship. This two-part series is not about how to make THIS work with your partner, rather it's about how this WON'T work if you disregard or neglect your partner's feelings and fears.
You might be wondering why I am not writing an article about how to make gender identity/gender expression work in a relationship. The reason is that even if you avoid all the common pitfalls that I am discussing here, there's no guarantee that a relationship will survive or adapt to this aspect of yourself. Gender identity is a significant part of someone and our partners aren't obligated to support us and stay with us with our gender identity evolves over the course of a relationship. This CAN be a deal breaker and that's, well, that's okay. I mean, it hurts and would be heartbreaking but I hope you can understand. This is a lot to expect of our partners.
The other reason is that there is no roadmap to relationships and gender identity/expression. The key to any and all relationships is communication and honesty. That's it. Whether you and your partner are discussing finances or your kids or gender, you need to be honest and you need to communicate. Again, there's no guarantee that your partner will be as supportive and as encouraging as you hope they will be, but the only possible path to that is being truthful with them and with yourself.
Will the examples in this series end a relationship? Possibly. But the key word in this is "destroying". A relationship can fundamentally change in a lot of ways over time and that relationship may continue, but whatever the relationship was built on is gone. Destroyed. This series is meant to talk about the common things we as non-binary individuals are prone to doing, and the potential impact these actions and decisions can have on our significant others.
In part one we chatted about The Pink Fog, Little Pink Lies, and Boundaries. Let's bring this conversation into the bedroom.
A relationship can fundamentally change in a lot of ways over time and that relationship may continue, but whatever the relationship was built on is gone.
Not Listening (or not caring)
This is entwined with boundaries but in a more intimate way. Crossdressing itself doesn't always impact or damage the relationship, rather it's the actions and behavior that is associated with crossdressing that be fatal. Your partner may not care that you wear panties but let's say they request that you wear a belt to lessen the risk of the cute, lacey waistband peeking out of your jeans so others don't see your undies. And let's say you, well, don't. The conversation isn't about panties, rather it's about communication and not listening to a relatively simple request. Our partners are also likely afraid of this secret getting out and they may be understandably a little anxious of that possibility. They are not asking us to not wear panties, they are really asking us to do something simple to lessen that risk.
There's a lot of fear (for both people) with all of this, so the least we can do is listen and HEAR what they are saying and what they are afraid of.
Over time our partners may become accustomed to seeing our panties in the laundry or in a drawer. They may become accustomed to seeing us in a nightgown or even in makeup. They may also make requests and set boundaries. Not respecting agreed upon boundaries is a really effective way to tell your partner that you can't be trusted and their feelings and fears aren't important to you.
A very common way we can demonstrate to our partners that their feelings don't matter is in the bedroom. Again, our partners may become accustomed to our bra strap under our shirts but during intimate moments they may request that we leave our lingerie in the dresser. I think out of all the emails I get from partners of crossdressers this is the most common topic. They know their partner likes lingerie and they like wearing it during sexy time but this leads to two pretty common scenarios:
1) They wear lingerie during intimate moments even when they have asked that they don't. Yes, lingerie is often part of intimate moments and lingerie can add to the sensuality and it may arouse the wearer, but our partners may feel otherwise. We could go back and forth about this but what this situation comes down to is always listening to our partners and respecting their requests (in the bedroom and anywhere else). If our partners tell us that they like it when we do *THIS*, then they are telling us that we should probably do *THIS* again. If they tell us that they don't want to be touched *THERE*, then we absolutely should not touch them *THERE*. Disregarding boundaries is a real effective way to kill the mood. Essentially if our partners ask us to leave the leather corset in the closet, we should leave the leather corset in the closet
2) Sex is initiated not out of love or desire, it's initiated as an excuse to wear lingerie. Many partners tell me that their partner is only initiating intimacy because they want to wear a cute matching bra and panty set. They don't feel desired, they don't feel wanted, they don't feel loved, they feel as if they are just... there.
Again, wearing lingerie isn't the only issue here, it's the behavior (not listening/not respecting our partners) that is doing the real damage.
Not respecting agreed upon boundaries is a really effective way to tell your partner that you can't be trusted and their feelings and fears aren't important to you.
Empathy
I believe the key to communication is empathy. When someone (whether our significant other or a colleague) is discussing an important project or situation, we need to be active listeners and do everything we can to understand their perspective. When we can relate to what they are feeling or thinking, we can then be empathetic and come up with a solution or a path forward. When we come out to our partners we are doing so with a tremendous amount of fear and hesitation. We know how pivotal The Talk will be and the potential fallout this can be (which is probably why most of us come out later than we probably should).
Once we come out, it's very possible that a great weight is lifted. We probably aren't aware of how keeping this part of ourselves a secret was impacting us, but we feel the absence of it once it's gone. It's not unlike taking off your bra after a long day, I suppose. We feel joy in many cases. Depending on how The Talk goes, perhaps we will be able to dress how we want. Of course, this brings up tremendous happiness. But The Talk does not bring the same joy to our partners. That weight doesn't disappear... rather it has moved from our shoulders to the shoulders of our significant other. The fear we felt is now transferred to them.
By the time we come out, we have asked ourselves over our entire lifetime what all of THIS means. We have asked ourselves about our sexuality and whether or not we want to transitioned. We have probably come to an answer as well. But our partners are just beginning to comprehend this aspect of ourselves. They aren't on the same page as us. We are leagues ahead on our journey but they are just starting. They are now asking the same questions we have made peace with. They are now wondering if their man is into men, they are now wondering if their husband will one day want to be their wife.
Of course, we can tell them what we are thinking and feeling. We can (and should) be honest and truthful about what we want. We can do everything right in reassuring our partners... but right now their instincts and their fears are sounding off. They are seeing their man, their strong, manly man, in a pink nightie telling them that no, they don't want to be a woman. It's a hard contrast to make peace with and it's hard to not associate someone wearing GIRL CLOTHES with not wanting to BE a girl.
Over the years our partners were taught through entertainment that men who wear girl clothes do so because it's a kink or because they want to be a woman. It's hard to unlearn something like that. We need to remember what they have been told when it comes to all of this. There's no magic words to ease these fears and thoughts. Rather it will take time. If your partner ever comes to terms that their man wearing a dress doesn't mean he is going to transition or date men, it will only be because they had the time they needed to process and confront their fears. Don't rush your partner. Any easement of fear will need years.
Of course, The Talk is rarely A moment, it's a continuing conversation that will be had over time.
How We Come Out
How our partners learn of this aspect of ourselves will absolutely set the tone when it comes to the early days of this revelation.
We need to be responsible for our gender identity. We need to man up and tell our partners we wear panties. We need to tell our partners about who we are. And we need to do this before a commitment is made. After all, this can be a deal breaker for our partners. Whether or not that's fair or not is not important, but the reality is that it can be and we need to let our partners make that decision for themselves. It's not fair to spring this on them after engagement, after marriage, after you have moved in with each other, after you have kids, or really after anything that would take time to, well, undo.
Again, it's not always crossdressing that impacts a relationship, it's often the behavior associated with it. Your partner might be shocked when you come out, but they also might be angry that you kept this from them after years of marriage. Please, please don't wait to come out until you have bought a house or signed a lease for an apartment.
Besides being truthful and empathetic, there's really no right way to have The Talk. There's a lot of wrong ways to do this but getting caught is probably going to be the worst one.
This side of us is, well, sacred. What I mean is that this part of ourselves is a significant part of who we are. It's probably been with us our entire lives and it probably makes us, well, happy. I mean, it probably causes some consternation but I think happiness is there. When we come out we need to treat this part of ourselves in a way that is reflective how important and special it is. When we have The Talk, we do so in a way where are guiding the narrative. We are initiating the conversation on our own terms, if you will.
But if we are caught, we are on the defensive, we are likely having The Talk right then and there, at a time where neither person is in the right frame of mind for such a significant, relationship altering conversation. If our partner finds a lacey thong in our gym bag they potentially will wonder if their man is having an affair. After all, why else would there be a lacey thong in there? Tensions build and build until they confront us and, well, it probably will be a heated conversation. The Talk needs to be done in a calm manner as it probably will escalate or at the very least be an emotional moment. Of course, The Talk is rarely A moment, it's a continuing conversation that will be had over time.
Framing this aspect of ourselves is tricky. After all, crossdressing as been portrayed in less than flattering and accurate ways. These portrayals will fuel the fear and emotions our partners are feeling. We are undoing these damaging stereotypes or at least trying our best.
If we are caught, we lose what is likely the only opportunity to come out on our terms, so to speak. This is going to get a little crude but if your wife walks in on you.... ah, pleasuring yourself to adult entertainment starring a transgender woman, it will be very difficult for your to talk about how this side of yourself isn't a fetish or kink. After all, you were caught watching a video that pretty much reinforces a fear that being transgender is a sexual thing. Trying to tell your partner that this aspect of yourself is special (or sacred as I mentioned before) when that image on your laptop is forever burned into their mind is not going to be easy. It has set the tone and you will not only have to come out but you are on the defense. Not only do you need to talk about what this means to you, but also have to talk about what this DOESN'T mean. You might tell your partner this isn't a kink, but, well, you were watching something that suggests otherwise.
In life there are a million ways to do something wrong. Whether it's fixing a car or having a challenging conversation with someone you love. The dynamic between two people is different in every relationship. What works in one marriage doesn't always work in another. You know your partner better than I do. I am no expert but after years of emails from partners of crossdressers, it's hard to ignore the patterns and pitfalls that we are prone to do that can forever and significantly destroy a relationship.
Love, Hannah
