In my last article I shared the PROCESS that I have when I transition from masculine presenting to femme presentation. I did this because I intended it to be helpful. Sometimes things seem impossible and overwhelming (whether it is changing your appearance or fixing a leaky faucet) but when something is broken down into small steps, not unlike an instruction manual, you might feel more confident about taking on a new challenge. Yes, going from masculine to femme (and it's up to YOU to decide what is feminine) may seem daunting (and is for me), but if you break it down to more manageable things your transformation becomes something of a (hopefully manageable) checklist.
The post was very PRACTICAL. In some ways it wasn't *that* different from how one would write and follow a recipe. There are countless practical guides out there when it comes to changing one's appearance, but I don't see the emotional aspect of going from BOY to GIRL that often. Many of us have spent most of our lives presenting as a big tall tough man, but we want to be beautiful and stunning and cute and sexy and gorgeous and... I could go on.
A practical step by step process, not unlike a makeup tutorial, can make someone feel "oh, I can do that" but even if we follow the instructions very carefully we may not get the result we were dreaming of. Instead of the face of a 21 year girl reflecting back at us, we might see a 40 year old man wearing eyeliner. This can be devastating. This can be humbling, heartbreaking, and discouraging. Why don't we look like the makeup artist in the tutorial? After all, we followed her instructions perfectly.
Well, here's why.
All the makeup in the world can't do much when it comes to taking twenty years off of someone's face. The makeup artist has different skin than you. The makeup artist has a different face shape than you. The makeup artist is likely using very different (and very expensive) products than you. Annnnnd the makeup artist has probably done their own makeup countless times for years and years. They have perfected doing THEIR makeup for THEIR face. You are just getting started. You will not paint the Mona Lisa the first time you pick up a paintbrush.
We need to learn from our attempts, our efforts, and mistakes. Wash your face, and try again.
Or better yet, schedule an appointment at a salon for a makeup lesson.
Today I want to revisit my last post but this time include the inner dialogue I have with myself while I am undergoing my transformation. This is meant to be helpful as I want you to know that you are not alone in how you feel if you feel discouraged or frustrated or defeated while you get ready. These are my thoughts that I have almost every single time I take on what is a seemingly insurmountable challenge.
Ready?
You are just getting started. You will not paint the Mona Lisa the first time you pick up a paintbrush.
Planning my outfit is typically the first step in all of this, and this starts as soon as I commit to going out. I think about the event and if there's something I should wear that is appropriate for it. I go through my closet and see what strikes my fancy. This can be fun but the longer it takes to make a few choices the more discouraging it can feel. I might have something that is PERFECT but maybe it doesn't fit anymore. I'll get frustrated that I gained weight and feel sad that I can't wear something that I used to fit in. Eventually I will have a few options (or do some online shopping) and although I may feel frustrated, at least I have accomplished the task of selecting a few dresses.
Removing my body hair is usually the next step. This is a very long process and it's easy to feel overwhelmed doing this. Like, why does hair HAVE to grow on every part of my body? Why does my hair grow so fast? This is overwhelming because I want to be smooth everywhere. Shaving requires twisting, bending, balancing, and patience. No matter how much time I take doing this, there is ALWAYS a spot that defies the razor and Nair. Whyyyyyyyyy.
The day before I go out I give my wig a very thorough brushing and washing (if it needs to be washed). Brushing out a wig can feel like untangling Christmas lights. It's like... this is a mess, where do I even begin? Also, WHY is it a mess? I mean, I just wore it last week and I stored it flat in a box. How did it go so unruly? I'll hold my wig in my hand and I will be convinced that there's no way it will help me feel femme and beautiful. I'll get frustrated and wonder why I just don't get a new wig.
The morning of my girly adventure starts with shaving my face. Again, WHYYYY do I have so much facial hair? I JUST shaved my face the other day. This is a process that can't be rushed as I want every hint of stubble vanished. As I do this, I am razor (haha) focused on my face. I can't help but examine my face and jawline and be convinced that my face is too masculine, too square, to be femme.
My corset and other shapewear is next. And my god, if I wasn't feeling humbled and discouraged before, this step is going to do a number on me. The corset is fastened and the lacing is pulled and tied. Corsets don't magically reduce your dress size, they redistribute parts of your body. This can create a muffin top and you can have skin rolls billowing over the top of your corset. Yes, I have a curvier figure but I am probably mentally punishing myself for that cupcake I had four days ago.
At this point I am looking at myself in the mirror and I am in that weird stage where parts of me look femme, parts of me look masc, parts of me look good, parts of me look, well, not so good. Thoughts creep in like "who do you think you're fooling?" and "give up" and "hit the gym". I think things that I would never let someone say to me, but apparently I have no problem saying them to myself.
Finally, my actual real clothes. I'll go through the outfits I set aside the other day and hope for the best. Just because something fit the other day, it doesn't mean it will now. As I mentioned, shapewear and corsets move your shape around and a dress may have fit perfectly in male mode, but now I have a little more va va va voom in my bust and an additional layer from my corset. It's entirely possible that the dress doesn't fit the same, or at all. Also, the dress may hang differently on me now that I have my breast forms on. It's not uncommon for a short dress to now be TOO short (and for me that's saying something).
When I can't zip the zipper I feel crestfallen and fat and ugly. Harsh, but that's how I feel. I also feel disappointed that something I looked forward to wearing is no longer an option. Onto my backup options. Eventually SOMETHING will work and I'll probably still be salty about that bodycon dress not cooperating.
Accessories, heels, and my wig complete the look. I'll fuss over my hair and lingering thoughts from the day before when I brushed it out resurface,
Everything came together somehow... just like it did the last time I went out. Just like it will the next time I go out.
Finally, I am out the door. One last look in the mirror and I think that my makeup artist has their work cut out for them.
All of this is humbling. All of this is frustrating. Do I feel all of this every single time I get ready? No. Do I feel this with every step of the process? Also no. But do I let myself stop? Do I give up? Absolutely not. I've been doing all of *this* long enough to know that these thoughts are normal, even if they are horrible. I know that any dysphoria I feel will almost certainly vanish once my makeup is done. Everything came together somehow... just like it did the last time I went out. Just like it will the next time I go out.
What we feel during these steps are universal for almost all women. We are inundated by photos of beautiful women all the time and we are shown the impossible, the unachievable. I will NEVER, EVER look like Elizabeth Hurley or Selena Gomez or the barista at the coffee shop I go to. NEVER. They are gorgeous but they are not the standard. No one looks like them (except for themselves) and you can't expect to. You can't try to.
All I can do is look like ME. And looking like me took years or patience and time and practice. It took (and still does) a lot of mental and emotional work. Yes, going from HIM to HER is a very PRACTICAL process, but almost everything one does in life has an emotional aspect as well.
Be patient. Don't give up. Try again. You'll get there and my god it's worth it.
Love, Hannah
