I don't think there are standards or anything one must meet in order to present as the gender they identify as.

What I mean is that there's no such thing as a girl being too tall, too curvy, too short, too anything to be a girl.  Girls don't have to wear a cute skirt or stilettos to meet some arbitrary standards of femininity.

This is also true for transgender women.  Having been assigned male at birth and letting things like chromosomes and testosterone do their thing throughout my entire life has shaped my face and body into what is thought to be more traditionally male as opposed to female.  But this is a manufactured gender norm.  Humans decide which physical features are male and which ones are female, even if the mirror shows a reflection that is different from who we are inside.

I used to think I was too tall, too rectangular, too male to be feminine.  No matter how hard I wished I would never magically develop a facial structure that our world thinks of as feminine.  There wasn't a single thing I could do about my height.

Of course there are steps I could take to look more traditionally feminine.  Estrogen, facial feminization surgery, and HRT are, and have always been an option.   Buuuuuut those steps are in sync with transitioning which I don't feel is the right decision for me.  

Being too tall and having so many masculine features used to discourage me.  I knew there was little I could do about how I looked.  I mean, a cute dress and the best makeover in the world can only do so much.  I would never be able to pass as cisgender.  

This thinking held me back for years from presenting as femme.  I would think that maybe in the next life things would be different and I strangely took some comfort in that.  

But things changed as they always do and I grew impatient.  I loved getting dressed to kill at home but no matter how large one's house is, it begins to feel too small.  There's a giant world just outside your front door with endless adventure and experiences.  Over time my internal dialogue evolved from "I'm too tall to go out" to "I'm very tall and I don't care anymore".  Doubt and hesitation and invented gender norms were replaced with restlessness and feeling confined.  

So I strutted out the door and never looked back.

What I mean is that there's no such thing as a girl being too tall, too curvy, too short, too anything to be a girl.

Of course, that's not *quite* true.  It wasn't quite a strut, it was tentative baby steps with my legs shaking in fear.  There was plenty of looking back as I was making sure I wasn't being followed or seen by someone I knew.  I didn't overcome that fear, but when you're afraid you can either stay home and be scared at home OR you can do what you want WHILE being scared.  Being brave doesn't mean that you're not afraid.  Being brave is when you do something WHILE being scared.  It's doing something despite your fear.

What changed?  What was that final push I needed to go out into the world?  It wasn't suddenly and magically looking like someone who was assigned female at birth, it was realizing that I will never look the way the world thinks how a girl *should* look and I can either let that fabricated standard hold me back or do what I wanted.  And I don't like being told what to do, lol.

Am I too tall? Says who?  Who cares?  No one will ever think that I was born a girl and I know that everyone looks at me and knows I am transgender.  I mean, they're right.  I AM transgender.  I am clocked all the time and I don't care.  And yes, getting clocked is terrifying to many of us.  Not necessarily because someone will "figure it out" but because of the potential repercussions of it.  We are (and rightly so) terrified of ridicule, harassment, and violence.  No, I am not afraid of someone knowing I am transgender, I am afraid someone will kill me because I am.

Gender norms are beaten into our heads from birth and can take forever (if it ever happens at all) to undo how boys and girls are "supposed" to look.  I don't think I'll ever look into the mirror and not think, even if it's a tiny, fleeting thought, that I don't look femme enough.  I hate to admit this, but a lifetime of being taught what is masculine and what is feminine usually influences my thoughts when I see other non-binary people in the real world.  It's not that I think "oh, she has a jawline that is too square to be cute" or "there's no way she should be wearing THAT dress with THOSE shoulders".  

No, what pops into my head is assuming what gender they were assigned at birth.  I hate that I think that.   However, I don't let that influence HOW I think OF them.  If someone is wearing femme clothes and makeup, I will assume that they are a girl and I will interact with them under that assumption.  I mean, it doesn't really CHANGE things.  It's not like I talk with men differently from how I talk with women.  I work at a college (while presenting as masculine) and if a student (regardless of their gender presentation) asks me where the bathrooms are my response is "the restrooms are down the hall" as opposed to "the men's room is down the hall" or whatever.  

The wonderful thing about human language is that there aren't a lot of situations where you HAVE to discuss gender in a binary fashion.  Not sure what their gender is?  They/them pronouns have your back.  There's always a way to be inclusive.  If you're not, you're just going out of your way to be an asshole.  What I mean is that if a femme presenting student asked an asshole where the bathrooms were they would say "the MEN'S room is down the hall".  This response is not solely communicating where the restroom is, but it's also communicating to that person "I am an asshole and no matter what you're wearing you are a man".

It costs nothing to be kind.   It costs nothing to be inclusive.

I didn't overcome that fear, but when you're afraid you can either stay home and be scared at home OR you can do what you want WHILE being scared.

I got to thinking about allllll of this when I was (of course I was) at the mall.  I saw a very tall woman from her side and I thought "oh, she's a transwoman".  How did I know this?  I mean, I don't KNOW this, but my brain looked at her facial structure, her body frame, and other attributes and combined them with a lifetime of being taught what is masc and what is femme and "decided" that they were assigned male at birth.  Once my brain told me that it became trivial information, the same way whether or not someone is left-handed is trivial.  It doesn't MATTER what gender they were assigned all those years ago, all that matters is the gender they are NOW.

It is very possible she was indeed assigned female at birth and my thinking was driven by the arbitrary beauty standards and gender norms that we were raised with, but I am pretty sure she was transgender.  

She was, along with a friend, ahead of me and I couldn't help but notice how graceful they were, how beautiful, and how....  natural they were.  They radiated femininity.  I was impressed.  I mean, it's what I aspire to.  I want to give off feminine vibes, I don't WANT to walk in stilettos the same way I walk in boy shoes.  I want to have the energy that cancels out my masculine features, if that makes sense.  As someone who knows how hard ALL OF THIS is, I was stunned by how well she moved in the world.  Her confidence, her ease with her voice as she chatted with her friend.  

I was jealous of her and honestly proud of her.  If she was assigned male at birth she has obviously worked hard to radiate the femininity she glowed with.  Her body language, her energy, her movement, her everything.  

She reminded me that femininity can be learned.  We can learn how to wear makeup.  We can learn how to walk in high heels.  We can learn how to wear the right wig.  We can learn how to wear a dress.  We can learn how to create an outfit that is flattering.  We can learn how to shave our legs.  We can learn how to talk.  We can learn how to paint our nails.  We can learn how to live in a world that doesn't universally understand us.  We can learn how to quiet the negative thoughts we have.  We can learn to ignore the haters.  

I mean, if we WANT to.  Again, a lot of these things are what the world thinks of when it comes to femininity.  

Of course, all of this sounds naive and overly simplistic.  All of this sounds very practical.  I mean, yes, if you want to learn makeup then making an appointment for a lesson with a makeup artist sounds as straightforward as scheduling a dentist appointment but it's not taking into account how emotionally impossible it feels.  For some of us it's the hardest thing we'll ever do.  But if we want something strongly enough, we will get there.  It may not be easy, it may not be quick, it may not be without starts and stops, but we CAN get there.  We also learn at different paces.  You may master heels in minutes but liquid eyeliner might be a challenge.  We are learning to live as who we are.

Everything is impossible until you do it.   No one knows HOW to climb a mountain, but with the right training, the right equipment, and with patience and education, you CAN get to the top.  It won't be easy or perfect, but mistakes are teaching moments.  No one is born with the ability to walk in five inch stilettos, no matter what genitalia you have, we all have to learn how to strut.  

Love, Hannah