I travel for my job on a regular basis. Every time I get ready for my flight I daydream about "flying pretty". Since I live my life presenting as two different genders my life is evenly divided between things that HE does and things that SHE does. Flying is HIS thing and after almost ten years of going back and forth between a few cities for work it has gotten very routine. If Hannah were to fly it would be a fun way to make something so normal into something so much more fun. I also like having new adventures en femme because every new thing I do is confirmation that most of the world isn't bothered by girls like me as much as some factions of the media would like us to believe.
Going off track here (much earlier than normal) if you do normal things and interact with the world how it expects you to, then people tend to respond in the same way. If you stop thinking of yourself as a transgender girl and shift your mindset to just living your life, then things become a little easier. When I started going out en femme, my brain was filled with an inner dialogue of I AM A TRANSGENDER GIRL AT THE COFFEE SHOP and I AM A TRANSGENDER GIRL AT THE MALL and I AM A TRANSGENDER GIRL RIDING AN ESCALATOR. This caused an almost paranoid feeling as I was confident everyone was looking at me and thinking THERE IS A TRANSGENDER GIRL AT THE COFFEE SHOP.
It wasn't about being clocked. I knew I didn't pass and I know I never will. The feeling was more about being afraid that someone would react to me based on my gender identity and gender presentation. Namely they would berate me, mock me, or even attack me. You know, our worst (and justifiable) fears.
The word transgender can be a lot of things, and one thing it can be is an adjective. I am a transgender girl. I am a tall girl. I am a broke girl. These are three ways to describe me, which is, you know, what an adjective does. The more I go out the easier it is to drop that particular adjective and it becomes easier to stop fixating on that. These days my inner dialogue is I AM A GIRL AT THE COFFEE SHOP or wherever I am.
If you stop thinking of yourself in a certain way, you might stop thinking that OTHERS think of you that way as well. What I mean is that when I am out I forget that I am transgender. I am just a girl living her best life, at least for the day. Therefore when I am interacting with others I think of them as interacting with a girl, not necessarily a transgender girl..
What I mean is that when I am out I forget that I am transgender. I am just a girl living her best life, at least for the day.
And it works! I mean, it might work. I don't really know, I don't ask other people when I talk with them in the real world. I suppose a lot of this is faking it until you make it. What got me thinking about this was visiting a museum with my friend Sophie, another t-girl. We were wandering around an exhibit that displayed a lot of art and artifacts from Asia and she started talking about a tapestry that was at a museum in Europe. The tapestry told the story of a significant turning point tied to a specific battle. Sophie couldn't quite think of the city the battle was fought in but two people overheard us talking about it and gave her the city she was trying to remember. The four of us chatted briefly about it and Sophie was thankful for their help.
A little while later we passed a painting by James Ensor. Knowing Sophie is a They Might Be Giants fan I couldn't resist dropping a reference to their song "Meet James Ensor". An older gentleman was standing near us and walked over and asked if that was a reference to the band. He and Sophie chatted about their music for about five minutes as I wandered away.
These two moments were small conversations but I think they are rather significant. We tend to think of the rest of the world being skeptical and unsure and uncomfortable around girls like us but these guys had zero hesitation to strike up a conversation with us. Did they know we are transgender? I would be amazed if they didn't know I was. But they obviously didn't care enough to not chat with us.
These are the moments that give me hope that the world isn't as biased towards us as we might think it is.
Oh, and there was the girl who chatted with me about eyeliner when we admired the sarcophagus in the Egyptian part of the museum. She also liked my stilettos.
Anyway, back to flying.
To this day I still haven't flown pretty. Not that I am afraid, mind you. Plenty of transgender women fly everyday and TSA and airlines are trained and coached when it comes to girls like us. I am confident airport security sees more transgender women each day than a queer nightclub. The reason I haven't is that I stay at the same hotel whenever I travel and they have gotten to know me. I don't care if the desk clerk knows about all this, but many people that I work with stay at the same hotel. The last thing I want is being outed to someone I work with. So, for the time being I travel presenting as HIM. I suppose I will stay at a different hotel and make this happen but I haven't done so yet.
I knew someone years ago who worked for the TSA and we chatted about the security process. I asked how powerful the scanners were and if they could tell what someone was wearing under their clothes. She said no, but the machines look for things that they aren't expecting. For example, if you have a medical device the machines aren't "expecting" that so they will alert the staff, for example. Same thing with the x-ray machines.
Did they know we are transgender? I would be amazed if they didn't know I was. But they obviously didn't care enough to not chat with us.
These are the moments that give me hope that the world isn't as biased towards us as we might think it is.
When you fly as much as I do, you know that sometimes you may be picked for a random pat-down or something in your luggage piques their attention. This can be uncomfortable. Hotel stays are boring but I can make them a little more fun if I pack lingerie. If I have to work from my hotel at least I can do so in a negligee. A few years ago I packed a few pieces that I would call sissy lingerie. Bralettes, panties, nighties and the like. All pink, all trimmed with white lace and satin bows.
Now, I am not a sissy in the fetish sense. I find lingerie comforting and when I am very stressed and overwhelmed I find that stockings and a chemise tend to help me relax. When I am feeling particularly stressed I gravitate towards sissy lingerie. There's something relaxing about super feminine panties that help me balance out the stress of HIS life.
On this particular trip there was something in my luggage that caught the attention of the machines. I was pulled aside as the TSA guard opened my suitcase and saw EVERYTHING. White stockings with pink bows, sheer baby doll nightgowns, and lace trimmed thongs. I stood there as he looked through my things until he realized I wasn't a threat. I mean, I might have been a threat to his masculinity but that's his problem, lol.
On my most recent trip I wore sissy panties under my boy clothes. Life has been really, REALLY stressful lately so I slipped into a pair of satin pink panties with a lace trimmed waistband and two ribbon bows on each side of the panty. I got to the airport and the scanners must have "seen" something that it didn't expect. I don't know for sure but I am guessing the machine didn't expect to find bows and ribbons on my undies.
I stepped out, and got a very thorough pat-down from a TSA guy. Was I nervous? No. I knew it was important to be chill whenever you are interacting with any member of authority. I mean, if you are visibly nervous then that might trigger some suspicion. There's nothing illegal about wearing sissy panties and I knew that this pat-down would be more awkward for the TSA guy than myself.
I was cleared to go and I got on my flight and went about my day.
These two instances might be mortifying to some of us. Does the TSA know that I wear what I wear? Sure, I guess. Do they care? Probably not. Like everyone else on the planet, they are likely focusing on their job and their own lives. Again, the TSA probably sees a LOT more than a guy wearing and traveling with pink panties so it's very possible and likely I am just another traveler. TSA staff are just random people who have no bearing on my life, just as I am a random person who has no bearing on their own lives.
I can't tell you liberating it is to stop caring about what other people might think when it comes to your life. Whether I am wearing the pinkest panties that ever graced the planet or strutting out into the world in a latex dress I don't think about other people and their potential opinions. Moments like the museum visit remind me that most people are friendly and unbothered by girls like me. Moments at the airport are reminders that even when you are, well, exposed in a very public way most people don't bat an eyelash. I mean, the guy rooted through my suitcase and was buried in lace and pink right there in security and was (seemingly) unfazed by what he was seeing. Sometimes things are only as awkward as we make them.
Wear the sissy panties, wear the latex dress, live your life. Most people don't care as much as you are afraid they do.
LIVE pretty.
Love, Hannah
