No one will guard your secrets as well as you do. 
No one will protect you as well as you protect yourself.

If your gender identity or what you have in your underwear drawer is a secret, then you might be guarding it with your life.  Humans tend to think of the worst-case scenario and we tend to make decisions based on that potential outcome, regardless of how unlikely it is.  Things in life tend to work out and when things don't, usually that result isn't nearly as catastrophic as we were afraid it would be.

I live my life in two different gender presentations and there is very little overlap between the two when it comes to the people on both sides.  My femme life is...  well, it's significant.  Between my website, my video projects, the transgender support/social group I run, and other adventures, HER life is very busy.  It's sometimes odd to realize how few people in HIS life are aware of what I am doing on the weekends.  

Again, very few people in HIS life know about HER.  I have come out to relatively few people over the last twenty plus years and I think if I had to I could list all of them.  Most reactions have been rather uneventful but have ranged from "omg that is SO cool" to "please never talk about this with me ever again".  Which is fine, I suppose.  Much better than someone writing me out of their life or sharing this secret with everyone THEY know.

It's not relevant or important why I am not out to everyone but one main reason is that I don't feel the NEED to.  Yes, sometimes it's a drag (no pun intended) to not live my life as full as I would like to but HER life is wonderfully enriching.  I have friends and support from both sides of my life.  I don't feel that the benefits of coming out outweigh the risks.

And yes, there are risks.  There is a risk of how that person will react but there is also the risk of what they themselves will do with your secret.

I use a lot of discretion when I come out to someone.  Well, I would if I were to come out to anyone new.  I haven't come out to anyone in a very long time.  Part of the discretion is a lot of vetting, I suppose, but I'll get to that in a minute.

One thing I would consider before coming out is WHY I wanted to come out to that person.  Besides coming out to the girls I dated (and eventually would marry) and my immediate family, I also came out to a very, very limited number of friends.  And they weren't even my BEST FRIENDS, mind you.  I came out to a roommate because I was tired of hiding what I had in my closet.  I let her know that she might see me in a nightgown or panties in the washing machine.  

Coming out requires being at peace with that person knowing your secret but also acknowledging that they probably aren't going to keep that secret as tightly as you do.  It's not even necessarily letting it slip in a nefarious or vindictive way.  They might also have people in their life that they feel they can trust with it.  Of course, it's also possible that they may accidentally let it slip after a glass of wine (or a bottle of wine).

Humans tend to think of the worst-case scenario and we tend to make decisions based on that potential outcome, regardless of how unlikely it is. 

Vetting is important when I am coming out to people.  Some people you may be obligated to come out (such as someone you are in a committed relationship with) but sometimes coming out is a choice.  Perhaps you are tired of keeping this aspect of yourself from someone close to you.  Perhaps you need the support of someone in your life.  But if I don't "need" to come out to someone then I can be more discretionary when I do.  

It's almost impossible to predict how someone will react, but you can at least get a feel for how they MIGHT.  I work with two women who through casual conversations have transgender daughters.  It probably would be a positive experience to come out to them (not that I would).  I also work with people (and am related to people) who are not shy about how they think queer people should be committed to a mental institute.  Probably wouldn't come out to them.

Of course, it's possible that they might surprise me and could be very supportive of who I am and I am being unfair, but given their opinions it's not worth the risk.

When you come out you are trusting them with your identity.  You are also asking them to respect what you shared with them.  You can ask them to not share this, but you can't expect them to.  Again, wine loosens lips and secrets tend to come out in some situations.  But it's not always alcohol.  Someone you trust likely has people in their own lives they trust, so what you tell them might be shared with others.

It's not unlike the Butterfly Effect.  One secret shared with one person can potentially evolve into that same secret shared with many people.  Something small becomes gradually bigger and potentially more catastrophic and significant.  

Maybe dominoes is a better metaphor.  

When you come out you are trusting them with your identity.  You are also asking them to respect what you shared with them. 

I knew when I came out to my sisters they would very likely share it with their husbands.  Could I ask them to not tell them?  Sure, of course.  Is it possible they would anyway?  Sure, of course.  Perhaps this is a significant violation of trust but if you tell me ANYTHING I am going to share with my wife.  Not because I am not respecting it, but I tell her EVERYTHING.  

Coming out to someone will probably trigger their own feelings.  I mean, if my brother came out to me as transgender I probably would have thoughts and feelings that I myself would need to process.  Talking through them with my wife would be the first thing I would do.

Time tends to lessen the importance of a secret.  I trusted my roommate with all of this but that was twenty five years ago.  I am sure she respected my secret then but I haven't spoken to her in decades.  Is it possible she shared this with someone in the years since?  Of course.  Is it possible more people know this about me than I think?  Also yes.  Ignorance is bliss, I suppose.  I can't worry too much about some random people MIGHT know about me.  

But vengeance is a real thing.  

Again, is it possible that others know more about who I am than I realize?  Undoubtedly.  Will everyone who knows keep this a secret?  Absolutely not.  Would someone use this knowledge to make things difficult (to say the least) for me or others in my life?  It's possible.  

We can't live our lives worrying about everything.  I mentioned that it's normal for us to think of the worst case scenario in EVERYTHING we do, and when you live outside of the gender norms that thinking takes on a new meaning.  I can think of a million things that MIGHT happen the next time I go out en femme.  These things range from running my stocking to having a heart attack.  Some are more likely and manageable than others.  I probably WILL run my stockings but I probably WON'T have a major medical incident.  

This line of thinking gets less intrusive the more I go out.  What helps is thinking about the last time I went out and recalling what actually happened.  Did I run a stocking?  Well, yes.  Did I have a heart attack?  No.  Did I have a wonderful time?   Why, yes I did.

In rereading this I am afraid I might be advocating against coming out.  I mean, it's frightening realizing that coming out to one person opens the possibility that they out you to someone else and that pattern continues.  It's also scary knowing that not everyone will protect you as much as you protect yourself.  

Coming out is almost a necessity.  And I would argue in some situations it is.  I DO think it's necessary to come out to someone you are in a committed relationship with.  But this side of us can be lonely.  We feel alone in how we feel.  We have all these thoughts and feelings and yearnings and to keep them inside can be exhausting.  Sharing who we are can be freeing.

If there's anything I want to impress upon you is to be realistic with who we are.  Whether it's having realistic expectations with learning makeup or learning how to walk in stilettos, we also need to be realistic with coming out and what might happen when we share this aspect of ourselves.  We can't control how someone will react, and we can't control what that person will do with this new information.  We can be careful with who we come out to.

Love, Hannah