Hannah McKnight: Coming Out, Part 3

 

This is a continuation of Coming Out.
Click here to read part 1.   |   Click here to read part 2.

I get a lot of emails about how to come out. My response to these inquiries tend to be long and rambling and possibly a little discouraging. I don’t really feel like I give advice because oh girl that can be a little dangerous, lol, but instead I try to offer my perspective and suggest a few things to keep in mind.

But today’s topic is essentially about what I feel are the wrong ways to do this. Keep in mind that what I write (and ramble on and on) about are based on my perspective and experiences and I certainly don’t consider myself to be an authority. Some of my perspectives are not based on situations I myself have been in, but rather they are influenced by listening to others, particularly the spouses and partners of those who have a different and more beautiful wardrobe than most masculine presenting men (as far as we know).

Some of my perspectives also come from others like myself. Sometimes people in our lives can be a cautionary example. They may live their lives in a certain way or make decisions that impact their relationships and sometimes we think to ourselves that we aren’t going to make that same choice after we saw how that decision played out.

I absolutely feel that people like us need to have friends with people like ourselves. In my last article I discussed coming out to my friends. As far as I know, the friends I was writing about are cisgender and in my experience most cisgender people can’t really relate or contextualize someone feeling that their gender identity/presentation just doesn’t feel right. I don’t think my cisgender male friends wake up and don’t really feel like a boy that day or they feel a longing when they see their wife’s little black dress in the wardrobe.

Because of their likely inability to relate to me feeling uncomfortable when thinking of myself as male, coming out to them would possibly require a very big talk about everything from gender identity to how gender is fluid and it’s not binary to how I feel and what I want or don’t want, and of course, the WHY of who I am.

It’s honestly like trying to get someone up to speed on the eighth season of a television show.

But friendships with other t-girls? We get it. We can relate to each other on a LOT of different levels. We don’t have to really explain anything. We can empathize with one another when we just don’t feel cute or can’t decide what to wear or find black patent heels or sparkly pink stilettos in our size.

Of course, conversations with my t-sisters aren’t always about presentation and clothes. Often we talk about how this side of us impacts our lives, our relationships. We talk about regrets, too. Regrets about not coming out earlier and regrets about how we came out to our partners.

One of the points I am trying to make with this little series about coming out is that there’s no one way to do so. Besides being honest, gentle, and empathetic, I can’t really tell someone how to have The Talk with their partner or with anyone else. They know their partner better than I do, after all. Although it’s challenging to predict how someone will react to this revelation, you probably know your partner better than most when it comes to how you interact and communicate.

Communication is… God, it’s everything in a relationship. It can be friendly banter between the two of you, how the two of you tackle a household chore, and how you have challenging conversations about finances and family and everything else. You and your partner may tease each other but you also likely know when to stop (and you likely learned this when you accidentally went too far in kidding them one time).

Life, relationships, crossdressing… none of these are things we know how to do until we do them. I wasn’t born with the ability to cinch a corset or had the latent talent to strut in stilettos. I learned by doing and falling and trying again. Relationships aren’t much different (at least conceptually).

When we come out to someone, we have one try. We can’t undo it, we likely can’t backtrack, or start over. One shot, that’s it.

So, that’s terrifying. Is it any wonder we agonize over this conversation? We know we should come out to our partners but we are also paralyzed by not only the potential outcome but by choosing how to do this.

In my life, I have come out to my wife, my siblings, my mom, two girlfriends, and three friends. I had The Talk differently each time. I had to. How I come out is based on the relationship I have with them. I came out to my mom very carefully, but I came out to my friend/roommate in a very offhand way because I wanted to wear whatever I wanted in my own apartment.

These conversations are also influenced by the information I had at the time. What I mean is that each of these conversations were held when I identified as a crossdresser. My gender identity (as I understood it at the time) had nothing to do with wearing panties and lingerie. Were I to come out to someone else today, I would have a very different conversation.

Each time I came out I realized that I could have done so differently or more effectively. I wish I had waited to come out to my mom. I did so as a crossdresser. She didn’t get it. But I think she would have had a different reaction if I shared the feelings about my gender identity and who I am today.

So, I learned from that. I’ve also learned that you can’t get someone to understand or accept you. That risk is another reason we are so hesitant to come out.

My point is that when you come out, you probably won’t do it perfectly. Again, introducing the conversation by being honest, empathetic, and gentle is probably the best advice I can give.

And in case you’ve forgotten (because I totally did), today’s topic is about what I feel are the wrong ways to come out. Let’s get started.

Don’t get caught. Even intentionally. What I mean is that someone asked me if it would be a good idea to leave a little, well I guess you could call them clues, lying about the house. Their idea was that they would leave panties in their drawer or gym bag so when their wife did laundry she would find a cute lacey pink thong among his other clothes. This is a bad idea. If I was doing my wife’s laundry and I found a pair of underwear that I wasn’t expecting, I wouldn’t assume she was a crossdresser. I would be afraid she was having an affair. I think the person who emailed this idea wanted their wife to start putting the pieces together and let them ease into figuring this out on her own and lessen the shock when they finally come out.

Of course, this is a little cowardly and could easily backfire. Again, it’s possible (and likely) their wife would assume an affair and why would you want your partner, even for a moment, to think that you are having an affair, even if that’s not what you intended?

Unintentionally getting caught is also bad. Some of us dress in secret for as long as we can and continue to push their luck. They have no plans to come out but if they get caught, then things change. Look, I understand how normal it is to keep this a secret. I promise I do. I did, and still do, but not from my wife.

Can you imagine the shock your wife would feel if they walked in on you trying on her bra? That moment will almost certainly trigger a talk, and it’s very possible it’s not the appropriate time to have such a significant and relationship-changing conversation. And yes, it is very likely going to be a relationship-changing conversation.

Again, try to shift your perspective. After the shock lessens, your partner may be upset or confused or any number of emotions to find out that you kept *this* a secret from them. When you commit to someone, I really feel you need to put all your cards on the table. Where you are financially, your political leanings, your thoughts on children, what you enjoy sexually, and yes, gender identity.

(And we can chat about this in a future post if you’d like but I believe that crossdressing is in the same realm as gender identity.)

We need to be empathetic when it comes to our significant others. We need to consider how our actions may make our partners feel. When it comes to gender identity/crossdressing, like it or not, this can be a deal-breaker for some people. Whether or not that is a justified reason for continuing or ending a relationship is one thing, but we have to understand and accept that.

And! Think about it this way. We are often afraid of coming out for the very reason it may end a relationship. If there’s an aspect to yourself that you feel is significant enough to fundamentally and forever alter a relationship, even end it, don’t you think you should address it before a commitment is made?

Essentially, being caught is the wrong way to pave the path to The Talk.

Tone and language are also crucial when it comes to any challenging conversation. Well, maybe “challenging” isn’t the right word but perhaps any conversation that is a little out of the ordinary.

What I mean is that throughout the day my wife and I will have a zillion conversations. Most of these interactions are topics like what we will do for dinner or what we need to add to the grocery list.

But a life together is more than that. It’s also conversations about home repairs, finances, and other unpleasant things. These are things that most couples will face, and they are usually stressful. However, you and your partner need to work through them and you need to talk about them. Whether the two of you are working together to fix a plumbing problem or redoing the family budget, how you two work together and communicate with each other during these moments is crucial.

Tone, language, and nonverbal communication are things that we need to keep in mind when it comes to our gender identity. When we come out, I really feel that honesty and being direct and being gentle are crucial.

Honesty is important because we need to earn our partner’s trust. Gentleness is important because this revelation may shake your partner to their core and we need to be empathetic.

So, that leaves being direct. And this is the tricky one. Being direct does not mean being uncaring. It does not mean a one-sided conversation. It means being clear, honest, and simple. It can also mean being firm. God, being firm and direct gives the wrong impression, I think.

I suppose what I mean is don’t come out with the goal of expecting that you will win over their support. You shouldn’t try to, um, convince someone that “this is how it’s going to be from now on. I am going to wear dresses and that is that.”

Essentially, don’t be an asshole.

Say what you must say, and listen. Tune into your partner’s body language, their nonverbal communication. Pause for a moment if they need time to process this or to react.

But don’t back down. And what I mean by that is don’t suddenly say “I’m just kidding!”, Don’t lie to your partner (or to yourself) that you won’t “do this” anymore. Don’t downplay that this is who you are. It’s not a phase, it never was. If it was something that someone can grow out of, they probably would have done so by the time they are old enough to get married.

Don’t joke about this as a way to test the waters, so to speak. You may be flipping through the channels and stumble upon ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race” and you might think that this is a perfect transition to discuss gender identity.

You might just try to play it cool as if the idea just suddenly popped into your head because RuPaul inspired it. Perhaps you’ll turn to your wife and jokingly ask what she would think if you did drag. This is not as subtle as you might think it is.

This is a very high risk way to come out, I think. I think drag is super fun and drag artists are gorgeous and amazing, but I don’t look at myself as someone in drag. I don’t want to be a drag queen (I do want their wardrobes though). When I am en femme I don’t think of myself as being in drag. I believe that identifying as transgender can encompass a lot of different elements of gender identity and I think that girls like myself and drag artists are both happily under the transgender umbrella.

Keep in mind that the perception of drag is very intertwined with gay men. When we come out to someone, they may try to put who we are into context that they may already be familiar with. Keep in mind that “men who wear girl clothes” have been portrayed in the media as comedic, kinky, and/or gay.

Not that there’s anything wrong with being gay. I mention this because every time I have come out to someone I’ve always been asked if I am gay. For a lot of people, gender identity and sexuality are tangled up with each other. I think it’s fair to say that since most drag is done by gay men it’s not surprising that many people assume that all men who wear girl clothes are also gay.

I think the risk in this situation is two-fold:

• Your wife might think that you are repressing your sexuality. It’s not unheard of for someone to come out as gay after five years or marriage. You “all of a sudden” talking about wearing girl clothes after seeing a drag queen may cause your wife to wonder why seeing a gay man wearing a gown is inspiring you to bring up the hypothetical question of you doing the same thing
• If you use this situation as a springboard to discussing a potential new and cuter wardrobe, it’s possible your wife might assume you want to do drag. Which is fine if that’s what you want, but is it what you want? I think there is a world of difference between strutting across a stage wearing a two foot tall wig and wanting to wear panties.

Just keep in mind that although we (gender non-conforming people) are very aware of the many nuances of gender identity and how crossdressing is not the same thing as transitioning. However, many cis gender people don’t really see the differences between a man wearing panties, a drag queen, and someone who is transitioning. To some people, people born with a penis who wear girl clothes are all the same.

Another moment that some might see as an opportunity is during sex. More than one of us have gauged our partner’s reaction to our dressing under the guise of being silly and slipping their wife’s bra on during intimacy.

I mean, I get it. You are already both having fun (presumably and hopefully) and you may be feeling playful and you are hoping your partner is aroused because oftentimes we are open to different and surprising things when we are in that mindset. Maybe your wife will be surprisingly turned on by her husband wearing (and likely) stretching out her new $60 bra.

That’s not to say it hasn’t worked for some couples, but goodness that’s a risk. Not only could it kill the mood but your wife may respond in the exact opposite way that you intended. I think that reaction could have an impact coming out (for real) in the future. What I mean is that when we come out, it’s likely the word “crossdressing” will find its way into the conversation.

We need to keep in mind that this word has been fetishized and misunderstood and demonized. The way that “men who wear girl clothes” has been portrayed in movies and television shows over the decades have likely influenced how many people perceive, well, “men who wear girl clothes”.

Essentially it’s not a surprise if someone thinks that what we do is a kink or it’s because we are repressing something, be it gender or sexual identity.

If you take that gamble and wear your wife’s bra or anything else and it doesn’t go well, that image may live in her mind for a long time. She’ll probably remember it every time she wears that bra herself. If you try again to come out, but in a different way, it’s not unlikely your partner may recall that moment and forever associate your gender identity with a memory she isn’t too fond of recalling.

That’s not to say that coming out has to be as serious as a car accident, but when people get married they are probably not wondering if their partner is questioning their gender identity.

Let’s chat about timing. Please keep in mind that this revelation has the strong likelihood of impacting your partner and your relationship in a significant way. I don’t really believe that a moment of intimacy or Sexy Time is an ideal way to communicate to your partner that you enjoy wearing lingerie. I mean, from your perspective it might be perfect but whether or not you wear a cute negligee because crossdressing is a fetish or because you feel beautiful in lingerie or because wearing panties is interwoven with your gender identity, I don’t feel sex is a good time to bring this up.

As I mentioned earlier, when someone is aroused it’s possible someone may be more… open to something or behave in a certain way compared to when they are zoning out at work or doing mundane household chores.

For example! Your partner may curse like a sailor during sex, but rarely swear outside the bedroom. The best intimacy, in my opinion, is when you feel uninhibited.

And yes, it’s possible your partner may be open to your secret wardrobe when they are feeling aroused/uninhibited but there’s a strong chance they might be noy. It can kill a moment because it’s possible your secret might be the last thing they were expecting. They may, well, go along with it during the moment, but afterwards they may tell you otherwise.

I feel that sex needs to be about mutual pleasure. Although some nights (or days) the attention may be more on you or on your partner, over time sex should be fairly balanced when it comes to mutual pleasure. If our partners begin to feel that Sexy Time has morphed into Husband Is Being Intimate With Me Only So He Can Wear Lingerie Time, well, that’s a very difficult thing to shift in someone’s heart and hard for our partners to bounce back from.

Some have entertained the idea of surprising their partners. And yes, when your partner learns of this side of you it will more than likely be a surprise. Some have considered letting their partner return from work or wherever to find their spouse dressed to the nines in a cute blouse, a pencil skirt, sling-back stilettos, and perfect makeup.

Like, ta-da!

Like, no.

I’m sorry, but I feel the last thing our partners want to experience after a long day at work is being shocked. So, yes, you did surprise them so mission accomplished I guess?

Walking in on your partner, whether they are dressed to kill or wearing a cute bra and panty set is almost certainly going to trigger The Talk and it’s very possible it’s a terrible time to have said conversation.

Your spouse may have had the worse day in their professional career and they are looking forward to going home and having a well earned glass or bottle of wine and zoning out in front of a reality show and then BAM! Unexpected relationship-changing conversation about their partner’s gender identity.

You can’t just spring something like this on someone. It’s hard to choose the right time to have The Talk but consider other ways you have had difficult conversations with your partner. What I mean is years ago I learned I would be laid off in a few months. Instead of calling my wife who was visiting her mom in the hospital that day, I waited until we were both home and had a little time to unwind from each of our days. I didn’t want my wife to worry about my employment situation and the things that can come from a loss of income while she is talking to her mom’s doctor.

I know my wife better than anyone and I assume that you know your significant other just as well. You likely know their nuances, their habits, their moods… you likely also know when, and how, to initiate different conversations. When it comes to gender identity/crossdressing, this is a conversation that will change things. It’s something that your partner likely isn’t expecting.

Even if The Talk turns out *amazing* and has the best outcome ever and before you know it you are both picking out the cutest lingerie for a girls night in (or sexy dresses for a girls night out), I feel introducing this into your relationship must be done gently, and honestly.

The importance of timing also extends to at what point in the relationship to when you should have The Talk.

It’s impossible to say when in a relationship you should bring this side of yourself up, but I think it should occur before any real commitment, any real milestone, is made. And listen, I am not suggesting that ANY of this is easy. I know it’s not. I’ve been there. But it probably needs to happen.

I feel you should have this conversation before any of these (but not limited to) potential life changes happen:

Getting engaged

Moving in with each other

Having children

Making a major life purchase together

Relocating

To clarify, if you are in a long-distance relationship and one of you moves to be closer to the other, I feel that you should disclose this side of you before that happens.

Any of these moments are significant and possibly expensive decisions and can’t be easily undone, if they can be undone at all. If this side of you is a deal-breaker (whether that is fair or not), then we need to let our partners decide that for themselves.

What I mean is that some people may be hesitant to fully commit to someone who is questioning their gender identity. Which is fair. I don’t think I would commit to someone who was unsure of their gender or sexual identity.

If crossdressing is a kink and you are confident that wearing lingerie is something you only do during intimacy, it’s possible your lover may not really like that. Sexual compatibility is important in a relationship.

And yes, I know that as life happens our perspective on ourselves and our gender identity and how we feel evolves. It did for me. When I came out to my wife I identified as a crossdresser and felt that this side of me was limited to panties and lingerie. Well, fast forward about twenty years…

But I feel that for most of us there’s been a moment or two or three thousand were we have thought about dressing or have done so or have had intense feelings about what we want to wear. If you have, I’m guessing your crossdressing (or at least your desire to) has likely been a constant or a recurring part of your life.

Essentially, this side of us is not a phase. We don’t grow out of our gender identity. We are, according to Lady Gaga, born this way and she’s absolutely correct.

(And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with us, this is a side of us to embrace.)

What I am getting at is that by the time you are old enough to consider a long term, serious relationship, you probably have crossdressed already (or have really wanted to). I feel that we need to be honest with ourselves and remember that no matter how we try to stop or how many times we have purged, we keep coming back. If this happened prior to meeting the love of your life, I feel it’s safe to say that it will continue to happen.

If anything, it will be stronger. I mean, if you live with someone who has the exact same wardrobe that you want to have for yourself, the temptation is likely going to be intense.

Relationships will not “cure” someone of their gender identity or crossdressing. The feeling may subside for a bit, but it will resurface. It may come back into your heart gently, like the sound of a distant rain, or you may wake with a raging hurricane inside your soul, no longer wanting to be ignored.

Love, Hannah