With EVERYTHING happening in this world, it is no surprise that we look for a little escapism.  I find myself reading novels more than the newspaper these days and most days I would much rather live in a fictional world than the one we're living in.

But that comes with a risk.  We can't ignore the real world or our problems for tooooo long.  Ignoring problems won't make them go away (believe me, I've tried) and we must close the book, turn off the video game, stop looking at memes and live in the real world. I think there is a risk of letting unreal worlds distort our perspectives of reality and shape our expectations.

And yes, you guessed correctly, this post is about pornography.  

God, what a word, right?  It looks so...  formal?  

Anyway, let me state that there is nothing inherently wrong with porn as long as it is consensual and ethical.  If the actors are willing to be in that type of content and the material itself isn't harming anyone then there probably isn't anything morally wrong with it.   I hope it goes without saying that porn that portrays violence and rape is absolutely vile.

Porn is fantasy.  It's not real and that's okay.  Again, a little escapism can be a good thing. However, it's easy to want to stay in a fantasy, whether it is Middle-Earth, Narnia, Neverland, or somewhere else.  The longer we visit a fantasy world the more of a risk there is with letting that world shape our expectations and perspective.  If you watch or read too much porn you might start to think that the sex on display is, well, achievable lol?   

This post is not about porn shaping our perspective on sex.  Not really.  Rather I want to chat about how fantasy impacts how we might view our gender identity and what we expect (or hope) from our partners when we come out.  

We KNOW that we SHOULD come out to our significant others.  We KNOW that the risk of this revelation will likely forever alter the relationship on both a day-to-day aspect but also on the relationship as a whole.  We KNOW that things COULD go BAD.  We obviously don't want that.

I still stand by my belief that it's not always crossdressing itself that ends a relationship, but rather the components that are adjacent to crossdressing. What I mean is that wearing panties might not be a big deal for your partner, but lying about crossdressing? That's the problem because you're lying about SOMETHING.  Lying to your partner rarely leads to a happy relationship.  More about that here:

A Crossdressers Step by Step Guide to Destroying a Relationship Part 1
A Crossdressers Step by Step Guide to Destroying a Relationship Part 2

We can't ignore the real world or our problems for tooooo long.

Knowing that we should be honest with our partners opens the door to thinking about how to do it.  There's really no right way to do this, beyond being honest and empathetic and prepared.  More about having The Talk can be found here: 

Coming Out Part 1
Coming Out Part 2
Coming Out Part 3

If I were to add anything to preparing for this relationship-altering conversation (and it will very likely be relationship altering) it would be to temper your expectations.  While it is possible that your wife might suggest the two of you hop in your car and speed to the nearest lingerie boutique to celebrate your new wardrobe, it PROBABLY won't happen.  

I think this expectation is, well, normal.  Not necessarily the expectation of lingerie shopping per se, but the expectation or at least the hope that our partners are, well, INTO it.  

Why do we want that?  I think for a few reasons.

One reason is that we (hopefully and presumably) love our partners and we want to do more things with them.  Afterall, what would be more fun than going shoe shopping with the love of our lives?  Many of us want to be, well, our partner's girlfriend.  Not necessarily in an intimate way (though that desire is very probably there as well) but spending the day out shopping or hitting the town with both of you dolled up and dressed to kill sounds like a lot of fun.

Another reason is the absolution of guilt.  Crossdressing can be kind of a selfish thing. What I mean is that we probably LOVE wearing what we wear, but our partners might not feel the same elation that we do when we wear panties.  We know whether from our own experience or seeing the experience of others that this aspect of ourselves can likely cause a lot of stress and tension (to say the least) for our partners and ultimately for your relationship.  We likely don't want our partners to feel stress or worse about anything, specifically about what we are wearing.  However, if our partners LIKE this side of us, then we might look at our crossdressing as something that brings joy to both people in the relationship.  Suddenly crossdressing isn't selfish.  

If our partners like this side of us (not just accept it or tolerate it, but actually LIKE it) then the secret we've been carrying in our heart for most of our lives is out in the open.  We can live our life authentically and honestly.  For many of us lying is entwined with crossdressing and we know it's wrong but we kind of have to do it anyway, even though we hate not being truthful.  

Why do we think that will be a potential reaction?  Maybe it's optimism but optimism that is a little influenced by spicy content.  Rule 34 is an internet meme that says that no matter what something is, there is porn for it.  So yes, based on Rule 34 (and let's face it, likely by our own experiences), we know there is crossdresser porn out there.  Back when the internet was new, the very first thing I searched for was 'crossdressing' and was stunned by how much crossdressing porn was out there.  I mean, looking back it was naive to be surprised by that but it is what it is.

One reason is that we (hopefully and presumably) love our partners and we want to do more things with them.  Afterall, what would be more fun than going shoe shopping with the love of our lives?

I know a lot of people say this, but I don't watch porn.  I do see a lot of forced feminization content on social media so I am aware of the variety of crossdressing erotic content.  There are a lot of "you are going to wear this dress and then sleep with men and be a sissy slut" storylines out there so feminity=shame and/or promiscuous behavior is fairly well represented.  But I want to chat about the opposite of that, meaning content that shows a crossdresser's partner being, well, INTO this.

I don't think I need to elaborate on this but I think I will, lol.  A lot of these scenarios show a crossdresser's partner being really turned on and/or really excited about their partner's wardrobe preferences which leads to a variety of adventures such as lingerie shopping or sexual escapades.  

For some of us, this is the reaction that we want.  Again, optimism fueled by spicy content.  I think many of us would love it if our partner was into this aspect of ourselves, particularly if this revelation led to shopping for lingerie, but also because our partners being into this would absolve us of all the guilt we feel. I mean, if our partners are excited (or aroused) by who we are, then who we are is a benefit to our partner.  Win-win, right?

If we come out to our partners expecting this reaction, then we are likely going to be devastated.  Major life revelations rarely come with sexy results, which really sucks, lol.  We are (hopefully) with our partners because we love them and we want them to be happy AND we want to avoid adding stress to their lives.  We know that who we are isn't going to make the lives of our partners easier, so we desperately want all of this to be, well, a benefit.  We want our partners to like, and I mean REALLY LIKE this side of us.  

Porn is fantasy and fantasy is not real life.  That's why it's called fantasy, after all.  Your partner might not like that you wear panties or that you get dolled up from wig to heels. The joy that we feel isn't something that we should expect from others.  My wife is an amazing person and I don't think she is as excited as I am when I get a new dress. Buuuuut she is happy when I am happy, just as I am happy when she is happy.  That's how relationships work.  Knowing our partners, knowing what makes them happy, knowing what makes them feel fulfilled.  My wife doesn't need to participate when it comes to my gender identity, just as I don't need to participate when it comes to aspects of her life.  I don't feel the same excitement that she feels when a new episode of her favorite podcast drops, but I am happy when she is excited, even if that thing isn't something that I am not into.

Love, Hannah