There are countless ways to express yourself once you have embraced who you are. When you accept that you are more than which box is checked for gender on your birth certificate then there is unlimited potential to what you can wear. Suddenly everything is an adventure. You've been to the mall a million times presenting as a man but do you know what? You don't HAVE to. For years you've daydreamed about strutting across the mall in a flirty skirt and now that moment is here.
Yes, we will stumble (especially in these stilettos) and we will try different looks until we find one that suits us. We will likely get scared or feel many different emotions as we navigate this newly revealed aspect of ourselves, but the moment to remember is that this is who we are now and there's no going back (at least emotionally and mentally). Once we realize our potential, it's hard to ignore that. We don't have to achieve everything we want in life at the start, but we need to remind ourselves that progress, even baby steps, is moving forward towards something new and beautiful and authentic.
A significant part of all of this is letting go of what others might think. I would argue that this is infinitely more important than presentation. If you let some random idiot dull your sparkle, then you are vulnerable to your day being ruined, despite how AMAZING and femme you look.
Of course, this is not as easy as it sounds, but it gets easier as time passes and it gets easier with each time you go out. Not caring what others might think is the universal non-binary experience. What I mean is that anyone who wears clothes (or cosmetics or a hairstyle) that are typically associated with a gender that is different from the one you were assigned at birth is susceptible to criticism and ridicule. It's not fair, it's cruel, and it's heartbreaking.
This dynamic is not going to change anytime soon. Acknowledging that is frustrating, isn't it? I mean, we as humans should have evolved beyond the gender binary by now, right? However, I would also offer a different perspective. Knowing that this isn't going to change in our lifetime can be liberating. Many of us are waiting for the day when we are told that it's okay to wear what you want. Many of us are waiting for the day when people realize that your genitalia doesn't mean that you can't wear certain clothes. Once this theoretical day comes, it is only then when we will live our lives fully and true to ourselves.
On a side note, what would that day even look like? Would CNN have a breaking news report that tells their viewers that it is now okay for men to wear a skirt? Will everyone watching that just shrug and say okay and then open their arms to the non-binary community? Of course not. I mean, women (at least here in the United States) were at one point arrested for wearing pants (or trousers if you are in Europe). Did some politician one day announce that women are indeed allowed to wear pants and then that was that? No. Women being allowed to wear what they want happened over the course of decades and this happened through revolution, both small and quiet to large and loud. No one "let" women wear pants, women fought for this and over time it became socially accepted. It was not an easy victory. The battle for men to wear skirts is equally challenging.
If you let some random idiot dull your sparkle, then you are vulnerable to your day being ruined, despite how AMAZING and femme you look.
Anyway. Since anyone reading this will not live long enough for this announcement to happen, there's really no reason to wait to be who you are. We are waiting for something that will never happen and in doing so we will never allow ourselves to be who we are (outside of our own living room). We may as well wear what we want.
Gender presentation doesn't have to be a full-time commitment, though. Since we live in a world where THIS is for boys and THAT is for girls, most people likely fit into masculine or feminine presentation. I know I do. I identify as bi-gender. What I mean is that, for the most part, I am either in male mode or I am en femme. I have two distinct gender identities and therefore two different gender presentations. It's not unlike having two lives. I have different friends depending on what I am wearing. Which is a little funny but there you are. In my femme life, most of the people I know are aware that I am not always Hannah. I have my male life and there is very little crossover. In contrast, relatively very few people in "his" life know about "her".
This duality didn't happen easily, but over time the dust (and glitter) settled and I happily live in two different worlds. What allowed this was fully accepting and embracing who I am and working on letting go of what others think (or MIGHT think). This took work but one of the things that made this work easier was the fact that I just love girl clothes. I love to wear girl clothes. I knew I had to overcome antiquated perspectives on gender as a binary in order to live authentically. The less I cared about what others MIGHT think (I mean, I will never KNOW what others think), then the more I would be able to be who I am. If I wanted to wear high heels and a bodycon dress while getting coffee I knew I had to work for it. Doing something like that isn't necessarily easy, but when you have a tangible goal (and mine was being able to wear the aforementioned high heels and bodycon dress while getting coffee) it makes the work a little easier. I knew what accomplishing my goal would do for me, so it made the mental work (not caring what some random person MIGHT be thinking) easier.
The key word there is 'easier', not 'easy'.
As I mentioned, I love girl clothes. And as I also mentioned I present as either masculine or feminine. One aspect of being non-binary is not necessarily thinking that clothes are for a specific gender. I agree with this. And yes, it's kind of contradictory for me to refer to clothes as girl clothes when they are, in fact, just clothes. For the purpose of this article, I am going to refer to clothes in a binary sense.
One of the benefits of getting older (and there are more and more as more birthdays pass) is really not caring what others think. If you add that perspective with how I already care little about the approval of others (thanks to my years of going out en femme), then I have really arrived to not caring what others might think when it comes to what I wear. Most of the time I forget that what I wear and how I present might be a little unexpected to some people. In a way I forget that the barista at the coffee shop is interacting with a transgender girl when I am out. That, I feel, is the true victory. What I mean is that not only do I not care about what others might think, I have (almost) completely forgotten that I am transgender when I am out in the world.
I don't do everything as Hannah, as I mentioned I have my male life too. There are things (such as my job) that I have to do in male mode. There are family members that are completely oblivious to my alter-ego (if you will). I mean, sure, Hannah could absolutely do my job and I could have The Talk with certain relatives, but, well, I don't want to do that. Of course, were I to transition then sure, those conversations would have to happen, but having them now would cause rifts within my extended family that would reverberate beyond just my relationship with them. Essentially it's not worth it. Besides, I have a very enriched and fulfilling life as Hannah that more than makes up for any suppression that I have in my masc life.
Over time I have realized that if I want to wear girl clothes I don't HAVE to be en femme. I can wear whatever I want. And I do (at home). The less time you live outside the gender binary the more you realize how utterly ridiculous it is. You also forget that some people still insist that BOYS WEAR THIS and GIRLS WEAR THAT. It's like, oh, some people still care about that??
When it comes to my femme presentation, I feel I am, well, GOOD at it, lol. What I mean is that I don't pass (and I don't care about that) but I feel confident in what I wear, how I move, how I accessorize, and how I live my life. I feel I can choose an outfit that flatters my body and that I dress for my age and the occasion (whether it's shopping or a night out). This accomplishment took a lot of money and patience and time. But it is and was very much a mental battle. I had to be kind to myself AND stop speculating what others MIGHT be thinking. Walking in five inch stilettos is easy compared to that.
Over time I have realized that if I want to wear girl clothes I don't HAVE to be en femme.
50/50 mode is not something I see discussed much these days. I saw this term a LOT when I first started to explore my femme identity and presentation beyond lingerie. There is some individual interpretation as to what 50/50 mean, but generally it comes down to wearing girl clothes in boy mode.
If I de-genderize (not sure if that's a word but let's roll with it) that definition it becomes 'wearing clothes'.
Anyway, someone assigned male at birth might wear a skirt but not wear makeup or other femme associated clothes.
This terrified me and still kind of does. When I am en femme, I am head to toe GIRL. People see me and have their various thoughts but they all (likely) know that I am a transgender woman. But in male mode wearing a skirt? Then I'm just a weird dude wearing girl clothes.
Makeup and femme presentation is also, well, protection. Unless someone from HIS life sees HER clearly and close up, then it's not likely they would think SHE is HE. As little as I care about what others think, I can't forget that some people in HIS life might have a problem with who I am, and that would likely cause more issues than I want to deal with. I don't NEED my conservative uncle to accept me. I am too tired and too disinterested to put in the work to undo decades of bias and queerphobia he has absorbed over the years. I know who he is and it's not my job to deprogram him (if you will). Coming out to him (even inadvertently) would be a nightmare. It would be his mission to humiliate me through social media and to my other family members. Dragging me down is one thing, attacking my mom because her child is trans? My mom doesn't deserve that. Protecting my gender identity keeps me safe, but it also means keeping others, especially my wife, safe.
If I were in male mode while wearing a skirt then I would be easier to identify. Of course, I could go somewhere where it's unlikely I would be seen by someone in HIS life, but in the age of everyone having a camera with the ability to upload a photo to the internet, I don't HAVE to be seen in-real life. As time passes we seem to forget that we shouldn't be taking photos of strangers in public and posting them online.
Is this likely? No, probably not. But it's still a risk that I am not willing to take, mainly because of how much I value shielding my wife from any sort of attention or slander. Yes, my uncle would attack her, too. He's not a good guy, lol. I may not care what people think of me, and I can handle criticism, but I won't do anything that would add stress to my wife.
Being terrified of wearing a skirt in male mode but feeling confident en femme sounds kind of contradictory, doesn't it? Would people in the world see me as a weird dude wearing girl clothes? Sure. Do I personally care? Not really? But I am not quite there yet. It took a long time for me to not care what others think of Hannah, but I'm still working on presenting 50/50.
50/50 doesn't HAVE to mean wearing something as obviously "for girls" as a skirt, though. 50/50 can be subtle, and quiet, if you will. In my next article I'll chat about small things I do, and things that I WANT to do when it comes to incorporating "girl clothes" into my masculine life.
Love, Hannah
