We are all looking for the perfect dress, the perfect stiletto, the perfect everything. Something that fits us in all the right places, something that says THIS IS ME.
While we continue our journeys of expression and style we try on different outfits not only to see if they fit us and flatter our body, but also to make sure that the outfit reflects who we are.
We contain multitudes, though. Many of us wear dresses that are seemingly in contrast with each other but still suit us. I feel that a leather mini dress is just as much me as a floor length ball gown. What I wear one evening isn't indicative of what I will wear on a different evening.
I suppose I don't have a style per se because of my ever unpredictable choices, but if what I wear has to be summarized it's that I will wear whatever I want and I will probably be the most overdressed wherever I go.
I feel it important to point out that I will dress for the occasion and the event. As much as I love my latex catsuit I am not going to wear that to get coffee with friends. I like to stand out but not for the wrong reasons.
Gender labels can be like this. I have a love/hate relationship with labels, and the hate begins with the very word 'labels'. As much as I like to classify and organize things, labeling people is not something I like to do, especially when it involves something so personal, and so unique, and so important to someone as gender.
The love of labels is one of comfort. It's reassuring to know that there are so many others like yourself that there is a word for those who feel the same as yourself, whether you are a Swiftie, Trekkie, or a crossdresser.
I am the Queen of Caveats, though. Whenever I say I am SOMETHING, I feel I need to qualify it. I love Taylor Swift but I am not a Swiftie, for example. I don't feel my adoration for her comes close to the passion and obsessiveness that seem to be common among her super fans. This clarification was also prevalent when I came out to people as a crossdresser. I KNEW that crossdressers were typically portrayed as fetishists so when I had The Talk with others (whether it was a roommate, someone I was dating, or a sibling) I needed to acknowledge this thinking but also distance myself from that. It has always been important that I am understood as much as possible, whether my gender identity or anything else I am or do.
As much as I like to classify and organize things, labeling people is not something I like to do.....
Of course, there's nothing inherently wrong with being a Swifite or a fetishist but people tend to think of other subcultures the same way that the media portrays them as. Many groups are painted with the same, broad brush.
The non-binary community has even more sub-labels than many people realize. Most people have heard the word 'transgender' but other terms, like gender queer, agender, and gender fluid are not as familiar. However, if you are like me you probably know these words.
What is becoming increasingly clear is that what these words mean are not the same to everyone. I identify as transgender and I know what I mean and what transgender means to me and why I identify as such, but that doesn't mean anyone else does. I think most cisgender people think of a transgender person as someone who has transitioned or is in the process of. Annnnd that is accurate for SOME transgender people. I don't think that being transgender requires transitioning.
A friend shared with me her perspective on The T Word and how it is very much an umbrella word and there's a lot of subcategories that can and do go under the transgender identity, such as the aforementioned gender queer and gender fluid. I am transgender and for the most part that is sufficient.
Buuuuuuut if someone else told me they were ALSO transgender I know that doesn't necessarily mean they have the same perspective of the term that I do. It's very likely that they started to feel comfortable identifying as such once they started HRT or presenting as femme full-time.
Furthermore, there are also generational and regional nuances when it comes to language, and they are not limited to gender identity. I have to remind myself that 'pants' in North America are not the same clothes as they are in England. When we have conversations about different cultures and different generations we need to acknowledge that what is normal to some people can potentially be offensive to others. And! I also want to acknowledge that I could be wrong and if I am, please let me know in the comments.
That being said, I feel that the word "tranny" is offensive. Buuuut it appears that this term is seemingly acceptable for some non-binary people in different parts of the world. I feel this is an antiquated term for people like myself and has/is predominately used as a slur. Again, this is my perspective based on my experiences but others will likely have a different opinion on this word than I do.
For decades, the only word I knew that even somewhat resembles who I am was 'crossdresser'. I learned that there was a kink aspect to crossdressing that I wasn't aware of at first. As the years went by the more often I saw Boys Wearing Girl Clothes in movies and the like portrayed as fetishists. Again, there's nothing inherently wrong with a kink or a fetish but as always I wanted to be, and still want to be, understood. Because of this, and because the only word I knew was 'crossdresser' when I came out to others I had to qualify The Talk as "I am a crossdresser but there's not a sexual element to this".
Knowing this is acknowledging that assigning labels to someone else is not helpful. It's a reminder to not assume who someone is based on your own definition of gender identity.
A little inelegant but that was the best I could come up with. I wanted the girls I was dating to know who I was in every aspect but not everyone is comfortable talking about what is arousing to someone else.
That being said, I see this same word being commonly used amongst people older than I am. Perhaps they also grew up in a world where 'crossdresser' was the only term they knew and they've stuck with it.
Just as 'transgender' very likely means something different to someone else than it does for me, I have the same perspective on crossdressing, To me, crossdressing doesn't necessarily have as much to do with gender identity as other terms do. Crossdressing, I feel, is typically limited to underdressing and lingerie as opposed to presenting en femme from wig to makeup to breast forms to stilettos.
Buuuut I know that's my definition. It's my definition based on my experience on my own journey. 'Crossdresser' (after realizing the kinky aspect that crossdressing was commonly associated with) never quite felt right once my wardrobe evolved from lingerie to, well, real clothes. Once I started to present en femme I felt that I outgrew the word crossdresser.
Again, this is my perspective. I have met others who identify as a crossdresser who live full time as a girl and are in the process of transitioning. For them, crossdressing is very much tied to their own gender identity.
It's the same language but different definitions. Knowing this is acknowledging that assigning labels to someone else is not helpful. It's a reminder to not assume who someone is based on your own definition of gender identity.
What's funny is that the more non-binary people I know and the more I interact with others like myself, the less often conversations happen about gender labels. They are not usually part of one's introduction. I mean, I am not telling others "Hi, I'm Hannah and I identify as transgender" or anything like that. On one hand that COULD be helpful if you needed to, oh, I don't know, group people together but like I said earlier, the reason I identify as transgender is very likely different from the reason someone else identifies the same way. Based on this, it's possible that someone who identifies as a crossdresser may have more in common with me when it comes to nuances and the like.
So after all this, where do we go from here? We've broken down the challenges that we face when it comes to labels and maybe it's time to move away from them. But even if we stop using words like 'transgender' and 'crossdresser' and the others, we as human beings will still have the need to quickly and understand others so we can form an opinion and choose how we will interact with someone.
For example! Someone knocked on my door a couple of weeks ago and they were canvassing for someone who was running for office. They introduced themselves and started to ask questions and started their whole spiel when I (gently) cut them off and asked which political party they were in. They told me, and I responded with that they could save their time and based on their political affiliation they would get my vote. I didn't need to know nuances, I needed to know who they were in the most binary, political way possible. Had they been with a different party I would have responded that they could still save their time but they would not be getting my support.
Getting back to gender identity, why do we ask each other how they identify? Why does it matter? And what are we REALLY asking?
Let's chat about that in our next article.
Love, Hannah
