Let's face it, we don't have much when it comes to flattering or accurate representation in the media or in the real world. There are a few notable people in various careers, mostly entertainment, who are openly transgender and there are notable folks who publicly identify as non-binary, but today I want to chat about those who identify as crossdressers.
Gender identity and labels (God, I hate that word) are subjective and "definitions" are not universal and can easily mean different things to different people. This post is not meant to be any sort of definitive voice when it comes to who a crossdresser is who is non-binary (or anything else), so please understand that. We are all unique and very rarely does someone check all the boxes when it comes to ANYTHING, let alone gender identity.
What I mean is that I love Taylor Swift. Does that make me a Swiftie? Some people would call me that, but I wouldn't. I feel a Swifitie is a Taylor Swift SUPERFAN but I think SUPERFAN is a little too much for how I feel about her music.
I am going to talk about who I feel a crossdresser is. Will everyone agree with me? No. SHOULD everyone agree with me? Absolutely not. But I do want to talk about crossdressers and how I feel crossdressing is different from someone who is transgender.
To me, a crossdresser is someone who was assigned male at birth, and someone who identifies as male but wears girl clothes, particularly panties and other intimate items. Yes, some crossdressers will go beyond lingerie, buuuuuuut I feel that once someone goes beyond panties and nighties and they start tip-toeing into feminine presentation, such as wigs, makeup, and I suppose "real clothes", then the line starts to blur that separates a crossdresser from someone who is non-binary, gender non-conforming, and/or transgender.
Again, will everyone agree with me? No. No one should let others dictate someone else's gender identity. There are plenty of people reading this who dress head to toe, wig to stilettos, and everything in-between, who happily call themselves a crossdresser. I FEEL that once someone starts to present as a gender (gender in the binary sense but I don't think that gender is a binary but I think you know what I mean) that is different from the one they were assigned at birth, then that presentation is a reflection of how someone thinks and feels about of themselves.
I identified solely as a crossdresser years ago, but when I moved on from underdressing to presenting en femme, I felt that all of THIS was more than just about me wearing "girl clothes". I suppose on one level I am still crossdressing. I present as masculine depending on where I am (such as when I go to the office) but under my shirt and tie I am probably wearing a lacy cami and matching panties.
Okay, I hope I've clarified what I feel crossdressing is, even if you disagree. I just need to set the parameters before I jump into rambling on whatever I am going to ramble on about.
No one should let others dictate someone else's gender identity.
As I said, gender non-conforming people (crossdressers, non-binary folks, people who are transgender) have little, and usually unflattering, and misunderstood representation in the world, but I think crossdressing is particularly vilified and vastly misrepresented. If you watch any sort of television or movies that have a character that crossdresses, they are usually portrayed as someone who dresses as a kink or as someone who is a social misfit or written as comedic. We as a viewer are taught that crossdressers are one dimensional and are either meant to be perverts or laughed at.
I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge that there are crossdressers who are absolutely aroused when it comes to being a dude that wears a bra and panty, and there's nothing inherently wrong with that, just as there is nothing inherently wrong with most kinks and fetishes. As long as someone is ethical, safe, and has the consent of others (if the kink has and/or needs the participation of others), then there is likely nothing wrong with a fetish.
None of what I write is meant to demonize or criticize someone who is turned on by wearing lingerie. My point is that not everyone who crossdresses is doing so to be aroused. But the media sure thinks that's the case. Where does this stereotype come from? Well, like most stereotypes it comes from some truth. There are those who assume (or happily and willfully push the narrative) that ALL crossdressers are fetishists, even if they are a small percentage of crossdressers.
But whether or not that is true or fair, that is the hand that crossdressers have been played. Crossdressers will be largely thought of and portrayed as comedy and/or deviants. This portrayal ingrains itself into how non-crossdressers think of crossdressers. When I came out as a crossdresser to people in my life, I had to constantly talk about how I am not a fetishist, how I am not repressing my sexuality, and breaking down countless misconceptions. Once I clarified who I wasn't, then I could talk about who I was.
It was exhausting and it wasn't always easy and truth be told, it wasn't always worth it. Given how crossdressers are portrayed and thought of, is it any surprise many crossdressers are fiercely protective of what they wear? Is it any surprise that they usually feel shame and embarrassment? It's hard to have self-esteem when the world thinks of you as a pervert or as someone who is meant to be laughed at.
As a society we have evolved our thinking and perspective when it comes to gender. We see that acceptance and understanding whenever we see an out transgender person get elected into office, or whenever a transgender person becomes the first out transgender person to achieve something, such as an award. I specifically said "out transgender person" because there certainly have been countless transgender people who have done noteworthy things without disclosing their gender identity to the general public.
Although we are making progress (slowly and sometimes kicking and screaming from certain segments of the population), it doesn't take much for us to realize how fragile this progress is. It's not unlike carefully and patiently building a house of cards but one false move and we have to start from the beginning. But progress with civil rights is easy to derail. All it takes in some cases is something being made public that flies in the face of what we are trying to move towards.
But progress with civil rights is easy to derail. All it takes in some cases is something being made public that flies in the face of what we are trying to move towards.
For example, transgender people are vilified when it comes to so-called "bathroom laws". These are meant to prevent someone from using the bathroom that is insync with one's gender identity. Of course, reasonable people don't spend too much thinking about where other people pee, but we live in a world where EVERYTHING is someone's business. Bathroom laws are meant to, well, make a transgender person's life worse. It singles us out. Of course, you can't really pass a law like this by simply saying "this law should be passed because we hate transgender people" so the case for this legislation becomes "transgender people are perverts and will attack your children in the ladies room". We are portrayed as sexual predators and the law is meant to keep children safe. The narrative of "a law that keeps children safe should be passed" is, well, easy to garner public support at face value. I think most people support keeping children safe, but the "threat" in question isn't a real threat.
When something happens in the world that involves someone who is transgender, then that instance gets blown out of proportion and becomes "proof" that we are criminals or perverts or whatever, and is used as justification to continue to pass laws that erode our rights and freedom.
It's going to be hard, if it ever happens, for a crossdresser to be viewed as anything but a fetishist or a clown. I know a lot of people who identify as a crossdresser and they are, well, normal people who do normal things. They go to work, have happy marriages, and are good parents. They just happen to wear panties. No one knows what they wear because, well, what underwear someone prefers is no one's business.
I would love, love, love to see a crossdresser positively and accurately portrayed in, well, ANYTHING. Again, gender nonconforming people have made progress but it's easily broken whenever someone in the public eye is outed. And yes, this is about Kristi Noem's husband. He was outed and every single negative perception of a crossdresser was on full display. Any positive perception of crossdressers (not that there was much) was shattered as soon as the media got hold of this story.
In my experience, and I would imagine the experience of others who have come out, I had to break down the stereotypes before I could accurately talk about my identity. When this story broke, crossdressers were left to do the same thing, but on a greater, global scale.
And my god, many of us want to change the world and smash a stereotype but it is such a daunting task that no one knows where to start and likely to give up before even trying. And I don't blame them.
If any underrepresented group wants to be positively and accurately portrayed and understood, then that work falls to that group. When women wanted the right to vote, then women had to do the work to get that right. Let's face it, men in power were not likely to give women that right on their own account. What I mean is that if crossdressers want to start eroding how the world thinks of crossdressers, then crossdressers need to do the work. Of course, they are already on the back foot because the first task is undoing the damage that has already been done.
It's not fair, of course, but the fight for fairness never is. It's depressing to realize that we have to do SO much to prove that we aren't horrible people.
Maybe I am being overly pessimistic, but I don't think we'll ever see a crossdresser accurately and consistently portrayed in the media. I don't know if the fight will ever even begin because it will need crossdressers to step up, step out, and be public. Most crossdressers, I feel, have no interest in outing themselves to the world. And can you blame them given how the world at large views them? If you come public as a crossdresser all of a sudden the world, the internet gangs up on you and you are fighting against memes and hate tweets. The fight, the dialogue, is over before it can properly begin. The heroes, the warriors, that crossdressers need to change things are hidden. And after what we've seen from this recent story, I don't fault them. If anything, the world's reaction is a reminder of the stereotypes that have plagued crossdressers before they even tried on their first pair of panties.
I have nothing but empathy for anyone who is non-binary and gender non-conforming. As someone who identified as a crossdresser (and in a way, still do) for decades I know the shame, the sting of ridicule, the frustration of the unfairness, the desire for positive and accurate representation. If you identify as a crossdresser, please don't let the stereotypes impact your self-esteem. You are valid, and you will always be more than a meme.
Love, Hannah
