Once I stopped worrying about passing, my life was immediately better.   I mean, I get it, most of us want to look as femme as possible, we want our presentation, our makeup, our outfit, our body language, our everything to be so flawless that everyone thinks we are cisgender.  But, let's be honest we may also aspire to pass to avoid being harrassed and looked at funny or worse.

Besides, passing implies that you look like a cisgender girl.  That further implies that there are physical requirements that one must meet in order to look like a cisgender girl.  That is a slippery slope to saying a girl has to be a certain height, a certain weight, have specific facial shapes, physical characteristics, a certain voice, mannerisms, body shape...  the list goes on.  That opens the door to saying things like "I don't pass because I am too tall" and then we have to have the conversation if a girl can be too tall to be a girl.  Which is ridiculous.  No one is too ANYTHING to be a girl.  

I will NEVER pass.  I doubt anyone would see me in real life and think that I am a cisgender girl.  There are too many aspects of myself that "give me away", especially as I get older.  I am glad I made peace with not passing a long time ago because I think I would have a harder time doing that at this point in my life.  My masculine features are more prominent than they were five years ago.  But as I get older, I care less that I don't look as cute as I did five years ago.  I mean, I wish I did but it doesn't bother me as much (or at least as often or for very long).  

Of course, HRT could change things, but that is not the right decision for me.  

Again, I don't expect anyone to think that I am cisgender.  People clock me as transgender which is fair and it's okay because I am transgender.  What I do hope is that people acknowledge that I am trying very hard to be me.  I hope that people know that my gender identity is femme because of how I present.  I mean, I am wearing heels, a dress, and makeup...  I would think it's fairly obvious that although I wasn't assigned female at birth, I am a girl.  

But I think most people DO acknowledge that, even if they don't understand or approve (but I am not after anyone's approval, lol).  It's what happens after that acknowledgement that matters.  That's when people show their character, I think.

What I do hope is that people acknowledge that I am trying very hard to be me.

I got to thinking this the other day when I popped into a coffee shop as I was out running errands.  I ordered my drink and waited with the other customers as they were keeping up with the normal Saturday morning rush.  Usually I am lost in thought but from time to time my mind drifts to realizing that I am a very tall and very overdressed transgender girl in a busy coffee shop.  I can't help but accept that other people notice me and see me as I am.  It's very likely I am, uh, inspiring some thoughts.  I mean, other people at a coffee shop are one thing, but I don't think many people were expecting to wait for their coffee alongside someone like myself.

You can't let yourself think tooooo much about other people and speculate what they may be thinking.  Sure, some people might be thinking how much they hate transgender people (or at least misunderstand people like me) but since I don't know what they're wondering, I like to imagine that they're thinking how FABULOUS I am lol.  Yes, it's not realistic and egotistical but it does give you a bit of a self-esteem boost.  

The baristas continued to call out drinks and thinking mine was ready, I approached the counter and took the cup.  The girl behind the giant espresso machine spoke up and said "wait, ma'am, that's not yours, yours is coming up."

I felt silly for the mistake but I quickly felt, well, SEEN.  I was MA'AMed.  And it was sincere.

This was a perfect example of interacting with someone who HAD to know I was transgender BUT she chose to use "ma'am" instead of, well, something else.  Not necessarily "sir" but she specifically chose to say 'ma'am'.  Perhaps I am overthinking this (as is my wont) but I feel that this was her way of SEEING me as I am and knowing how I wanted to be addressed.

This was a very affirming experience.

Buuut we all know that this isn't always going to happen and it hasn't always happened.  Not everyone will interact with us in a way that we would prefer, but it's not always in an intentionally malicious way.  I mean, some people legitimately get a little flustered and truly don't know what pronouns to use when they talk to someone who is trans.  Some people think of gender as binary and aren't as versed in the nuances of gender and identity.  They're still learning and we can help.  When someone misgenders me I will politely correct them and most of the time they will blush and apologize and correct themselves.
Of course, not everyone is so cordial.

We can only do so much.  We can spend so much time and so much money on our presentation, our clothes, our makeup, our EVERYTHING but we can't control how the people of the world (or even the people of the mall) will interact with us.  If we get a cruel comment in real life or online it doesn't MEAN anything.  I try not to take it personally.  I try not to get down on myself or my presentation or my femininity (or apparent lack of).  I mean, I see absolutely gorgeous transgirls on Twitter who may or may not have transitioned just get the worst comments from the worst people.  They're being attacked because of their gender identity, not necessarily because of how they look.  

No one will ever be universally liked.  Like passing, it's not realistic and it's not something we should expect or wait for.  There's a saying that, well, says that you might be the sweetest peach in the tree, but not everyone likes peaches.

Love, Hannah