I swear it was all about clothes back then. At least that was my understanding. I wanted to wear beautiful lingerie. I didn’t think about the presentation. What I mean is that I wasn’t trying to look feminine.
Which is kinda silly, in a way. What is traditionally more femme than a pink bra, a pink panty, and a matching garter belt holding up black seamed stockings?
Of course, femininity and masculinity are arbitrary and subjective. There are no rules or guidelines one must meet in order to be femme or masc. I didn’t think that this side of me had anything to do with gender identity. To me, there was no connection in what I wore to how I felt about myself.
We often ask ourselves what all of this means. Who am I? Why do I do this? Why does wearing a cute pair of panties make me so happy? Why does it just feel right to wear a nightgown to bed? Why do I think both the girl and her dress are both beautiful? What is this weird longing I feel when I see women in gorgeous bridesmaid gowns?
It’s impossible to not think about the deeper aspects of this. But I swore at the time it was just about panties. Then it was just about lingerie. Then it was just about beautiful little black dresses. Then it was just about… and so on.
Every new tentative step into this beautiful world was made with trembling hands holding a new dress but once the zipper was pulled up the trepidation was replaced with a feeling of peace. I was enveloped in shiny satin or soft cotton or spicy leather but also with a feeling that this was, well, right. But why?
As I approach the beginning of my fifth decade on this planet I can’t help but realize how impacted and influenced I have been by gender norms and what society has been telling us since time out of mind about what femininity and masculinity are. Living in a binary system when you don’t really belong in either can be strange. But to put a finer point on it, I did belong in both. I learned that people who feel this way often identify as bi-gender. I like that term. I still do.
Of course, I don’t feel that gender is binary. I think gender is a social construct and rather silly. On my more optimistic days I feel that we will eventually stop designing clothing stores into women’s and men’s departments. Cute panties will be displayed next to boxer shorts (gag). The perfect little black dress will hang next to a pair of khaki trousers (also gag).
lol, I am not a big fan of “men’s fashion” if you couldn’t tell.
Although I don’t feel that gender is binary, I often, well, present as either femme or masc. My mirror reflects either a girl who is doing her best with what God gave her or a man who looks, well, good enough by the relatively low bar that the world has for men.
I do straddle the line, though. Even in a suit I am wearing panties. I work from home and wear leggings and I am often wearing stilettos to break them in. I wake up in a nightgown or a cute matching cami and panty each morning.
Even in a suit I am wearing panties.
Even as my journey made the tentative steps from wearing panties to feeling like a princess in a floor-length ball gown, I felt that makeup, a wig, and a femme name weren’t right for me. In retrospect, I eventually realized I was terrified of taking that path. I had always insisted that transitioning wasn’t right for me. Yes, I loved every aspect of who I was, but I didn’t feel that being a boy didn’t feel wrong. I wasn’t unhappy or anxious when I was in male mode.
But a girl name? Femme presentation? These steps gave me pause. I wasn’t scared of who I was or who I might be. I started to wonder if I took these steps that I would realize that I had been wrong… that maybe transitioning was the appropriate step.
In the end, no, transitioning wasn’t and isn’t right for me. I came to this realization after intense discussions with my therapist and open conversations with my wife. Of course, deep personal introspective reflection also helped. I still liked my boy life. Washing off my foundation or wearing boy clothes still didn’t feel wrong. I happily bounce back between both of my gender identities.
I think one of the most exciting aspects about all of this is seeing our potential. Yes, my first attempts at doing my makeup were atrocious. My first wig was horrendous. But I could see through the cheap wig and see light shining through the cracks. I didn’t look as cute as I wanted to, but I could see that it was a start. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step, after all.
Although I felt that this was only about clothes, I wanted to look as amazing as possible in them. I would stare at my reflection and see the dress but I started to feel a little odd. I could wear a black bodycon dress, stockings, and black patent stilettos… and as my eyes pan up… bam! BOY. If gender was binary my reflection was very much a boy head on a girl body.
The gap between “this is just about clothes” and “femme presentation” eventually closed. One night my wife did my makeup and the next day we ordered my first quality wig. A week later my reflection looked very different. And everything still looked right. I was speechless looking into a mirror and seeing someone so different, but still me, preening back at me.
Lipstick, eyeliner, long black hair… all of this became an extension of my clothes. But I then finally realized and embraced the presentation. I was leagues past just wanting to wear “girl clothes”. I was now presenting as feminine (again, if gender was indeed binary but it’s totally not).
Hannah was born. I had a name for this side of me. Over time she had her own friends, her own section in my wardrobe, and her own world.
Although I loved and embraced how lipstick and a cute dress and stilettos made me feel complete and happy, I wanted to be as close to “me” as possible. I didn’t wear forms or wore padding. I didn’t think I needed to have a certain shape to be femme. I mean, I still don’t think that one needs to have a certain figure or curves to be femme, but at this point in my life I stopped caring about “passing”. I didn’t think anyone would look at me and think that I was a cisgender girl. I didn’t think I needed forms or padding in my presentation. My thought was everyone at the mall or Starbucks or wherever knew I was transgender. Why wear pads or invest in forms if I didn’t care about anyone knowing I was trans? Why go through the trouble?
Of course, one should dress for themselves. If butt pads make you happy and femme, then you should wear butt padding.
When I am en femme, I want to look as good as possible. If I am being honest I wanted to (and still want to) look as feminine as possible. Again, there are no standards to looking or presenting as any gender. Gender is a personal thing. But I wanted to look as good as possible in a dress.
Let’s be honest, a dress is usually designed for someone with a certain shape. I have a rectangular frame, from torso to hips to waist. In many dresses I look rather boxy. Sure, I had a floral print bodycon dress, but I knew the dress could look better on me. I knew it would look better with some va va voom curves.
I bit the bullet.
They arrived in a box, a box much bigger than I expected. They felt heavier than I anticipated. They were long strips of silicone that felt, well, real. They were the Jolie Thigh Pads from The Breast Form Store. This was the big time. This was the next level of my presentation. I was excited and nervous at the same time.
I admit I underestimated how they would enhance my appearance. Would an hourglass figure make that much of a difference?
OMG yes.
The impact was on two levels. One was about my physical shape. One does not need to have hips or a vagina or a certain shoe size to be femme. I don’t feel that your silhouette must have a specific form to be femme. I feel feminine in my boxy, rectangular frame and I feel feminine when I have a curvy shape.
So much about trying something new is about realizing your potential. As I mentioned earlier, your first attempt at makeup or your first wig may not look as cute as you had hoped but you might see the potential. This is not unlike a first draft of a novel. Yes, it needs some work but there’s something here to build off of.
The thigh pads were like this. Yes, I felt femme without them, but when I saw how I looked, and how a dress looked on me, that feeling of potential grew. Since some dresses and skirts are designed for a body that has curves, some dresses and skirts look better when they are worn by someone who has the shape they were designed for.
Almost every dress I wear looks better with thigh pads. Looking good and feeling good often go hand in hand. The pads give me curves, the curves make a pencil skirt look more attractive, and I just radiate confidence.
If there is a hill I will die on, it’s that there are no rules or standards one must meet to be femme (or to be able to identify however one feels is right for themselves). I think one of the things we chain ourselves to when we begin presenting as a different gender are the societal expectations that have been taught to us for our entire lives.
We are told that women must be of a certain height, wear certain clothes, wear makeup, have long hair… the list goes on and on. I sometimes feel like a hypocrite when I say things like thigh pads make me feel more feminine. Although it’s true, I don’t want anyone to think that one MUST have curves to feel femme. I feel feminine without them as well.
I suppose it’s a testament to how something, anything, can boost one’s confidence. It might be a shade of lipstick or a statement necklace or false eyelashes that could stab a man if they get too close.
To be clear, I don’t think it’s the thigh pads themselves that add to my gender euphoria. As I mentioned the pads enhance my shape and most dresses look better when they are worn by someone with the body share they were designed for. Cute clothes that fit as intended always look better and when I look good, I usually feel good. Is it shallow? Maybe, but that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, lol.
Want to learn more about Hannah’s experience with Jolie thigh pads? Click here to read her product review, Knocking You Out With My American Thighs.