Gender dysphoria: An open personal letter

This letter was provided to The Breast Form Store from a person with gender dysphoria, then known as Gender Identity Disorder, in the fall of 2002. Permission was given to share this letter so that it may help others.

In this letter I will attempt to clarify the changes you have witnessed in methese last few months. Those of you whom I haven’t seen in a while will undoubtedly be bewildered over what I mean, but I’ve changed more than you canbelieve. All of my life I have tried to be the best person I could be but often I seem to do things that undermined that goal. To some of you I seemed distant, detached or distracted but I never intended to be so. I have been burdened with a secret that I’ve kept, both from myself and all of you, never daring to analyse too deeply what has controlled my lift since birth. I can no longer ignore the reason for my self-destruction with excessive weight, alcoholism and other things. I have been both fearful and kept myself ignorant of the true reason until I discovered on September 27, 2002 the reason for all my distress.

I have been diagnosed by my GP and my psychiatrist with Gender Identity Disorder.I’m sure most of you have no idea what this is and it is not contagious, hereditary or communicable. In my mind and heart I perceive myself as being female instead of male. Since early childhood, I’ve fought with this feeling and it’s got me in trouble many, many times. In desperation and self-preservation, I promised my Mom and Dad I would control this and I did my best. Now that they’re gone, the promise has evaporated and I must now deal with this issue. I am now in psychiatric and gender counselling for treatment. I never, ever wanted to shock you this way but I know of no other means to tell you what you need to know. I’m still the same person in my heart but I’m packaged wrong. My body is that of a male but in my head and heart, I perceive myself as female. I have always known this but refused to recognize the conflicting feelings that were always at war inside myself. It has almost cost me my life directly or indirectly. The risks I took in the past were not totally realistic or necessary and with my new perspective, no longer acceptable.

It is my greatest hope that you find it in your heart to accept the new me as I evolve and please remember I admire and respect all of you, if nothing else, more than ever. I wish I had been brave enough years ago to look into my own heart and have dealt with this misperception when the consequences would not have been so great. I am not going to try and fool myself or anyone else in thinking that this metamorphosis will not be difficult, it is the most difficult challenge I’ve ever faced and I pray I’m strong enough.

In the next number of months I will promise not to be in your face and I will do everything I can to be discreet and considerate of your feelings and reputations.If you have any questions you would like answered, I will be open and honest with you.If you are interested in further investigation, there is a great web site regarding gender identity, http://ca.geocities.com/lorileeca/genderdysphoria.html

I have spent many hours deliberating on a an appropriate name, more suitable for my “new” gender. The name I’ve chosen is one I have admired for many years – Jennifer Rose. I’m presently in the process of performing a legal name change and all that is entailed. It will take time for both, all of you and myself to get used to the new name and pronouns but any effort in that regard will be greatly appreciated. Please do not feel I’ll be offended should you use my male name in error. It is my desire to maintain friendliness and a sense of humour over this transition as is my nature.

I must repeat, I treasure and respect the friendship all of you have shown me and I’m very, very appreciative of each and everyone of you. It is you who have made my past life most rewarding and I’ll treasure that for the rest of my remaining life no matter how you decide.

Very respectfully,
Jennifer Rose