Hannah McKnight: Listen to Your Heart

I get emails and DMs from guys.  A lot of guys.  

And I am not bragging.  Getting a message from a guy who tells me that I am sexy is not affirming.  I don’t need a man to tell me that, lol.  Now, if another girl said that?  That would be a different story.  

I rarely enjoy getting a “u r hot” message from a dude.  Almost every time the conversation (if you can even call it that) progresses to very explicit sexual topics.  Because of this pattern, getting a message from a dude makes my eyes roll as I know pretty soon I will likely be blocking them once they ask to see my penis or if they can show me theirs.  And yes, this happens with almost every exchange.  Your perspective may very well be different but some dude showing me their junk doesn’t do anything for my self-esteem.

It’s not like I’m thinking “wow, this guy took a picture of his penis and sent it to ME?  I must be special.”  

Some guys will hit on anything and when a guy hits on every girl, it’s clear he’s looking for ANY girl and he’s not very particular.  He’s essentially throwing everything at the wall to see what sticks.  Maybe he’s thinking that every sexually explicit photo he sends is just one more sexually explicit photo to getting laid.  

I might be unfair, but I set my boundaries and maybe I’m expecting too much from men, but my Twitter bio specifically says “no pictures or sexually inappropriate content”.  Buuuuut I suppose “inappropriate” is subjective and it’s possible some dude sees that and thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to send a picture of their penis and there’s nothing inappropriate about it.

Anyway.

When I get a message I lurk around the sender’s profile a bit.  I’m not nosy.  Well, maybe I am.  Profiles are usually public and a bio can tell a little about the person.  The content they tweet can also be representative of who they are.  Same with who they follow on social media.

Why do I do this?  I need to know, if possible, who I am interacting with.  What they post and who they follow is usually an indicator for their motivation to message me.

Some guys will hit on anything and when a guy hits on every girl, it’s clear he’s looking for ANY girl and he’s not very particular

For example!

If the only content is pornography, It’s probably not a stretch to assume that they might very likely pivot this little exchange to a very sexual nature.  Of course, on a surface level, I don’t necessarily feel that there is something inherently wrong with pornography as long as it is consensual and ethical.  Too many horror stories about snuff films have made me very skeptical about the behind the scenes production of sexual material and I just hope everything going on in front of the cameras and behind the cameras is on the level.

When the content is all about their family, like pictures of their kids and how their wife is their whole world, I wonder why he’s messaging a girl.  Again, there’s nothing inherently wrong with saying hi to someone, but if you are messaging a girl who just posted a boudoir photo, I wonder why they decided to just hit me up.  It’s probably not to say hi.  Probably testing the waters just to see how it goes.  He may love his wife, but hey, if he can chat with a girl who tweets lingerie photos, then who needs to know?  

I hate hypocrites.  If your wife is your world and nothing is more important than family, then maybe, just maybe, you shouldn’t be sliding into a girl’s DMs.  Sure,you might tell yourself that you are innocently saying hi with no ulterior motives, but be real.  Besides, would you be comfortable if your wife was chatting up a handsome dude on Twitter behind your back?  I doubt it.  Besides, if it is indeed a friendly hello, why not tag your wife in the message.

I could go on, but I think I made my point.

I do not like being fetishized.  I don’t like that guys message me assuming that I am who I am for sexual reasons or that they assume I would be thrilled to hear their filthy thoughts.  And I know that there’s someone reading this and thinking “weLl MAybE yOu SHoulD NOt PoST thOSe SExy PICturES”.,  This is not unlike someone being asked what they were wearing when they were sexually assaulted or sexually harassed.  People are responsible for their actions.  People choose to take said actions.  Posting a photo is not an invitation to have a sexually explicit conversation without consent.

Okay, tiny rant over.  Where I am going with this is that although I don’t like it, I am fully aware that all of this is indeed a fetish for some.  Whether it’s the person wearing lingerie or the person aroused by the person wearing lingerie, there is a sexual kink element for “men who wear panties” for some..  Unless I turn off my messages I will probably continue to get sexually explicit material in my inbox.  

I have made peace that this will always happen, no matter what my Twitter bio says.

Posting a photo is not an invitation to have a sexually explicit conversation without consent.

Remember when I said I hated hypocrites?  Remember when I said I lurk through the message sender’s profile?  Remember when I said I hated being fetishized?  This is where it alllll comes together.

A common element in many of these messages is they love our president and they love girls like me.  Well, maybe love isn’t the right word.  They are…  aroused by girls like me.  

So, what does the president have to do with kink?  God, hopefully nothing, but try to follow along.  The president has a policy history that isn’t exactly kind, empathetic, or supportive of the queer community.  He also has a reputation for appointing and nominating people that would love nothing more than the LGBTQ+ tp be eradicated off the face of the planet.  When you vote for a candidate, you essentially approve the people they will put in their cabinet.  You own that.  If the people in the president’s inner circle want to harm my community and you voted for that president, then any laws that are passed you are, in a way, responsible for.  

You can’t put a rampaging bull in a museum and get mad when it destroys the exhibits.  YOU were the one who put the bull there.  You PROBABLY knew what the bull was going to do.

This time around voters KNEW what the president did, and what he was going to do because he talked about it before the election.  Eliminating the Department of Education?  He told everyone he was going to do that.  Tariffs?  He couldn’t shut up about it.  HE TOLD US what he was going to do and some of his voters are mad that he did it.  lol what did you think was going to happen?  

It drives me up the wall when a supporter of the president tells me they want to sleep with me.  I’m sorry, but you can’t support the person who demonizes girls like me AND ask to sleep with me.  If your president had his way, I’d be gone.  And then what, big guy?  That’s right, no pictures, no DMs to slide into, nothing.  

I feel that this behavior is very much a reflection on how some men think of girls like me.  They feel (and in some cases, expect) that I am here to arouse them, and anything else is irrelevant.  They don’t care about my rights, they don’t care about my feelings, I only exist to turn them on.  

It’s infuriating.  It’s demeaning.  It’s objectifying.  

And this is where I was going to end this article.  But upon rereading it I feel that it’s too negative.  It’s too much of a rant.  It’s not helpful.  So, let’s see what we can do about that.

If you allow others to impact your self-esteem, you are literally putting your life in their hands.  If you let a compliment from someone be the only way you feel positive about yourself, then you will become dependent on them.  Annnnd that can turn really bad really quickly.  If that person catches on, then they could manipulate you.  The same is also true with negativity.  It’s easy to listen to the loud opinions from others.  And the loud people know it, which is why they are loud.  Sometimes volume is all they have.  If you are a femme identifying person and you are listening (not just HEARING, but listening) to the loud people, the hateful people, the objectifying people, then you’ll start to think horrible things about yourself.

Life is about balance and decisions.  You need to be careful about who you listen to, whether it’s yourself, a family member, or a completely random person online.

There.  I think that’s better.

Love, Hannah