Human beings are social creatures. We like and need community. We are one of the few species on earth to really benefit from cooperation. We need others for a variety of reasons which are unique to each other. Of course, we also have social batteries and we get to a point of the day when it’s just ENOUGH and the only thing I want is to go home, slip into lingerie, and continue the novel we’re reading in an effort to escape the world.
I think there’s a part of us that wants to share our joy and our accomplishments with others. We may not want a giant celebration when we finally achieve a goal, but a little acknowledgement might be nice. Things that bring us joy and happiness are not much different.
On the other hand, we need each other for survival purposes. Having people in our lives who support us, who encourage us, who listen to us, is crucial. This is particularly important when we are part of a marginalized group, such as you identify as someone who isn’t cisgender and/or someone who isn’t straight. I like identifying as ‘queer’ as it’s just vague enough to usually avoid getting into specifics. When it comes to gender identity I am transgender and nonbinary, depending on my gender presentation. It can be rather nuanced as we slip down the rabbit hole and the conversation about identification and labels (god I hate that word) can turn into something more complicated than it really needs to be. Hence, queer is usually enough for most people to understand that I am not as cisgender as I may seem when I present as masculine.
And in case it needs to be said, queer doesn’t only relate to sexual identity. It can, but when I say I am queer it has nothing to do with my sexuality. If I am being honest, I have no interest in my sexual identity. I am married to an amazing woman and I have only had romantic and intimate relationships with women so it would be understandable if someone assumed I was straight. That’s not to say that I am bisexual or a different sexual identity. No, it’s because I don’t think my sexuality matters. Is it fathomable that at one point in my life I found myself attracted, on some level, to someone who was masculine? Sure, whatever. In that case, would that invalidate me from identifying as straight?
Another example. I live part of my life en femme. When Hannah is strutting around I am still married to my amazing wife. Does this mean I am a lesbian when I am dolled up? Does this mean my wife is a lesbian when her spouse is wearing a pencil skirt and stilettos?
Again, going down the rabbit hole complicates sexual identity to the point where it becomes so nuanced that I feel that sexual identity and labels are almost impossible.
Queer people have always existed. Always.
One more thing: Sigmund Freud is/was probably wrong about a LOT of things, but he was of the belief that all forms of sexuality, as being caused by a combination of biological, social and psychological factors (Wikipedia). I think it would be fair to say that he was of the belief that no one is born with a set in stone and unchangeable sexual identity. Almost as if pansexuality was the default, perhaps.
Anyway, he said a LOT about sexuality and some of it is interesting and enlightening. Some of it, well, not so much.
But this post isn’t about psychoanalysis, it’s about community.
I suppose if you wanted you could trace the roots of community to the days when humans were at various points of evolution when we were cooperating to take down a wooly mammoth for food or whatever. At one point we learned that helping each other benefitted all of us. But let’s talk about the LGBTQ+ community.
Queer people have always existed. Always.
Since queer people have always existed, it’s not wrong to say that the queer community has always existed. We tend to think of the LGBTQ+ community as a somewhat new thing. I think it’s kinda funny (and infuriating) when people say things like “we didn’t have transgender or bisexual people when I was growing up”. Like, yes you did. It’ll probably never be completely safe to come out as queer but it was a lot scarier decades ago. So, people who were in the closet tended to stay there.
I don’t think it’s unrealistic to think of The Stonewall Riots of 1969 as the dam that broke open signalling a new turning point in social justice and a new effort for social equality. Things didn’t get easier necessarily for the queer community fifty six years ago, but that’s when things started to change in a very public way.
The queer community is a perfect example of a group of people that came together for survival and support and to share the joy of being who you are.
I know some of us aren’t super duper comfortable identifying as part of the LGBTQ+ community. Some of us just like to wear panties and don’t want to consider ourselves as part of the queer community. I would never tell someone that they are part of a community that they don’t want to be a member of, but whether or not you just wear a pink lacy thong under your business clothes or you were just prescribed estrogen or somewhere in-between, I really feel that they are part of the LGBTQ+ club.
And just in case you need to hear it, being a part of the queer community doesn’t have to mean anything if you don’t want it to. It’s not like you HAVE to go to your city’s annual Pride celebration or anything. You can still be a part of a community even if you don’t do anything, lol.
Keep your head up, and strut confidently… even if your knees shake.
Of all the emails I get, it’s people like me who are looking for others like me. Many of us want to make friends, or at the very least, talk to someone who understands something that really isn’t understandable. What I mean is that I don’t know WHY I am who I am. I don’t understand WHY I am who I am. But I know that this is who I am. I know that acknowledging who I am, and embracing who I am, is crucial for my happiness.
It’s honestly a relief to talk to others who get it. It’s not unlike finding someone who read the same obscure book and you *finally* get to talk to someone you have a kinship with. It’s kind of a funny thing. I have a lot of transgender and nonbinary friends but rarely do we talk about gender identity. Our conversations are not always therapy sessions, rather it’s just nice to go shopping or have a coffee with someone who you don’t have to have The Talk with. Sometimes a community can start with two people discussing where to find high heels that fit.
Some of us seek out others because we are told that being who we are or wearing what we wear is wrong. It’s not wrong. I promise. But in order for us to truly be accepting of ourselves, we need to tell ourselves that. We have likely at one point (or multiple points or it may even be ongoing) felt shame about who we are. Oftentimes shame is a feeling that means that we need support from others so we seek out others who are like us. We want support, we want community… without having The Talk.
The Talk is exhausting and I have no interest in it anymore. I need support, I need friends, I need to be a part of a community. I think all of us do.
Now more than ever.
I mean, it’s obvious, right?
Transgender people are currently a very hot topic in the United States. Again? Still? Regardless, there’s a lot of talk, a lot of “concern”, a lot of legislation, and debate about us. I mean, how can you have a debate about us? We exist, there’s nothing to debate. Of course, these “conversations” are not limited to the United States, but that’s where I live so I am more tuned into what’s happening here.
This post is not about pushing back, rather this about pulling together. Not only us, but any allies we have. When the news cycle is filled with stories about people who hate us, it’s easy to get discouraged (putting it lightly) about who you are. I am not controversial. I am not a headline. I am not a villain or a pervert or confused. I’m living my life and trying to get through the day and leave everyone alone. Seeing news stories about how people like me are corrupting others is not only wrong, but is depressing.
We need each other, we need our community so we can tell each other that we support one another. That we matter.
Keep your head up, and strut confidently… even if your knees shake.
Love, Hannah