Everyone is nuanced and everyone contains multitudes. It’s not uncommon for different aspects of our personality to seemingly contradict each other. This is true whether you are queer or straight or nonbinary or cisgender. When people talk about BEING A MAN I am tempted to ask for a specific list of things that men are SUPPOSED to be and things men are SUPPOSED to like. If such a list existed, I am sure it would things like MEN NEED TO DRINK COFFEE BLACK BECAUSE SUGAR IS FOR GIRLS or MEN NEED TO WATCH SPORTS WHERE OTHER MEN GET HURT or MEN NEED TO GO OUT INTO THE WOODS WITH OTHER MEN FOR THE WEEKEND AND LIVE WITH THEM IN A CABIN WHILE THEY DRINK BEER AND KILL ANIMALS.
Okay, fine. But what else? What kind of music are men supposed to listen to? Country? Heavy Metal? Sure, maybe, I don’t know. Buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut what if they KINDA like a Taylor Swift song that they hear their wife playing? I mean, would that violate The Bro Code? What about books? Are men allowed to read? If so, what is permissible? Books about the Civil War? Okay, sure, maybe. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut what if the author is queer? Is it gay to read about a book about war or something if the writer is gay?
All of this is stupid and all of this silly. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had men tell me that they will absolutely never buy tampons for their wives or daughters. Bro, you’re taking care of your partner or child. Man up and buy the Tampax, you stupid insecure twit.
Anyway, I got a little off topic.
I post on my own website, Twitter, and Bluesky. I write articles for The Breast Form Store and for Xdress and make videos for En Femme, three resources for the nonbinary community. Given this, I am fairly prolific but I am also fairly accessible. My DMs are open and my email address is easy to find on my website. If someone wants to contact me they probably don’t have to look too long to do so. Because of this, I have chatted with a LOT of people. People who identify as crossdressers, some who are transitioning, some who aren’t sure who they are, and partners of people who are nonbinary. These conversations have provided me with so much insight about how nuanced people are. I can’t tell you how many emails I’ve received that begin with “I am a typical guy and I stir my whiskey with a nail and I like to build forklifts and I can grow a beard by just thinking about it and I am ALL MAN. But I love to wear pink panties.”
lol, okay. Love this. And I’m serious. It’s another example of how nuanced we all are and how different aspects of someone can be seemingly contradictory. Pink panties and building heavy machinery don’t really go together if you are describing someone who is ALL MAN.
My point is that none of this surprises me anymore. I almost, ALMOST, roll my eyes and smile (not unkindly, mind you) when a message begins with how masculine someone is only for them to confess that they crossdress.
Man up and buy the Tampax, you stupid insecure twit.
I don’t believe in the binary when it comes to gender identity or sexuality (but that’s another topic for another time). I don’t believe people should be restrained by gender norms. I mean, they are not real. We invented them. I don’t think you should have to wear ugly plaid boxer shorts when you daydream about lacey thongs. Big tough guys who wear panties is just another example of how nuanced gender identity is and another example about how utterly stupid and useless enforcing gender norms is.
Given how multifaceted gender itself is, it’s not surprising how easy and common it is to misunderstand someone’s gender identity when you see how they present themselves. The nonbinary community itself doesn’t really have a definitive definition of the different ways we can identify. What does it mean to be gender fluid? And how different is that from gender queer? Does identifying as transgender necessarily mean transitioning? Is crossdressing always and only a kink? Is there a difference between nonbinary and being agender?
Nobody “owns” these words. There’s not a person or a committee that has the final say on what transgender means and doesn’t mean. When I present en femme, I identify as a transgender woman. I do not believe that being transgender means that someone must take legal steps and medical steps to change their gender. I like being transgender. I feel it is a very inclusive term. However, unsurprisingly, not everyone agrees with me.
Which is totally fine. Just as I have different perspectives on what many of these terms mean, it’s easy to acknowledge that others have a different opinion. I have received emails and had conversations with others who tell me I am not transgender, based solely on the decision to not transition. I would never intentionally insist on a term for someone just because I have a differing perspective on what that term means. It’s not for me to decide, after all.
Besides, it doesn’t matter. I am not interested in being right about everything, especially when it comes to someone else’s gender identity. For some, identifying as a term can be comforting, as in they have learned that there are so many others like themselves that there is an entire word for people like them. For some, they feel a label is too restrictive or their definition of a term doesn’t quite match up with how they themselves feel. I made a huge mistake last fall when I offhandedly told a friend who was presenting as femme that the makeup artist they were going to was very friendly towards transgender women.
The problem was that they didn’t consider themselves transgender annnnnd it threw them for a loop. I don’t think they were comfortable with that term, and it’s possibly because their definition of a trans person is different from my own. I was using the T Word loosely and I meant it to be inclusive. I define ‘transgender’ as anyone who presents or identifies as anything but cisgender. Admittingly, it’s a very broad definition but it’s possible my friend’s view was that a transgender person IS someone who WILL transition or has already done so.
If so, I don’t blame her for being a little spooked. For some of us, we are not sure where this is going, and it’s not uncommon for someone to be scared about the idea of transitioning and what that might bring. Afterall, we are likely aware that changing our gender could lead to relationships ending or being ridiculed or worse.
I don’t believe people should be restrained by gender norms. I mean, they are not real. We invented them.
So, I messed up. And I felt bad for a long time and when I do remember it, I feel terrible all over again. True, my perspective is that the T word is inclusive but essentially an umbrella term for other ways someone can identify, but I was very much in the wrong here. My definition fits my identity, but that’s the issue. My definition and my identity. Not hers. It was wrong for me to assume and impose my perspective on anyone else.
Looking back, it was an easy mistake to avoid, but it was also an easy mistake to make. As I mentioned, I was using my definition of transgender when discussing someone else’s gender identity. This happens to me as well. Knowing how it feels to be misunderstood allowed me to see things from my friend’s perspective. Knowing how our actions and words make someone else feel can sting (it’s not easy to learn how our behavior made someone feel) but it can also be a teaching moment (if we let it). I suppose I could have been a bitch and shrugged it off and justified my words by putting the blame on my friend. “It’s HER fault she misunderstood ME” or something like that, but I can’t do that.
Why not?
Because I know how it feels when someone does that to me.
In our little nonbinary community, we have a rich tapestry of gender identity, gender presentation, and gender expression. For some of us, this is very much a kink. Which is fine. I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with having a kink provided it does not do harm to anyone and is completely consensual to all people involved. Some of us like to be submissive or dominant when dressed. Some of us dream of pleasing men or being humiliated.
Again, as long as a fantasy or a kink does not harm anyone…
I get messages on a regular basis asking if I am a sissy or if I want to be a sex servant or if I want a sex servant. No, no, and no.
I am direct in my responses and sometimes my answer is acknowledged and the messenger backs off. Some are very insistentant, and some are genuinely confused. Not long ago a guy messaged me asking if I was a domme or a sissy. I responded that I am neither. They seemed genuinely confused that my identity had absolutely nothing to do with sex.. They were insistent I had to be SOMETHING kinky.
This annoyed me.
For one, I hate being pressed when I give an answer for anything. Asking me the same question two or three times expecting a different response is wasting your time. The other reason this annoyed me is that clearly this person could not fathom that there was a non-sexual component to my gender identity. This person, in my opinion, seemed to think that all femme presenting nonbinary people were fetishists. He likely fetishisized us and imposed this kink onto every t-girl he encountered.
Look, I know that we are a kink to some people. And I know that there is a sexual aspect for some of us.
I was using my definition of transgender when discussing someone else’s gender identity.
If you are nonbinary, and/or you engage with nonbinary people, please remember that we are very different in how we identify and we are, well, people. We have hearts and minds and souls. True, we also may have libidos and fantasies, but our gender identity and our sexuality do not necessarily have anything to do with each other. If you are aroused by a transgirl, okay, fine, I can’t stop you from being turned on (but your sexual desires are not my problem), but please be respectful. Don’t assume that there is a sexual component to my gender identity.
On a related thought, I will never understand why someone would message a complete stranger and ask them intimate and personal questions. I also wonder why so many men are so interested in the sexual lives of someone else. I don’t know if I am alone in this, but I think sex and intimacy is a very personal and sacred matter.
In some aspects (again, SOME), being nonbinary/transgender is a little easier each year. We are getting more positive representation in media (but we have a looooooooooong way to go). But we are still burdened with decades of being characterized as kinky and erotic. Whether it is transgender pornography or a guy wearing panties in a movie, we have been stigmatized as far back as I can remember. It’s not surprising some people associate our community with kink. The responsibility and obligation falls to the nonbinary community when it comes to reframing who we are.
I can’t ask everyone to understand us or accept us, but at the very least I hope that people are open minded enough to give us a chance to show them that we are not who we have been portrayed as. I hope that we can expand our perspective and understanding of gender beyond our own assumptions. My friend reminded me of this when I mislabeled her. I am not immune to these mistakes, regardless of my own gender identity. I will do better.
I hope we all do.
Love, Hannah